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DarkWorld · Dec 9, 2008, 04:14 PM

I think I want to have an affair.

That statement has never been said aloud by me.. EVER. I am not the cheating kind.. I never have been.. I have always ended relationships before moving on to someone else.. but this is different.. I feel trapped sometimes. My husband is military and cheated on me with a multitude of women... and before anyone says it.. I do not want to cheat out of spite... to cheat out of spite I would have done it by now. I met this friend of my husbands who drives me crazy. We get along perfectly.. we have known each other for awhile.. we flirt openly but more out of fun than anything.. but it seems to be taking a new direction.. and as much as I hate that I want it to go in that direction - I also love that it is a real possibility.

I feel good about myself as a person when I am around this friend. He makes me feel beautiful inside and out. I can be myself. I can say things that my husband doesn't "get" around this friend, and feel like I have known him my whole life. I look forward to seeing him daily. And lately I have been trying to think of ways to get him to kiss me... I want him to kiss me so bad.. its not like I think about sleeping with him.. but just to kiss him and hold each other.. sigh..

I know its wrong.. I don't need anyone telling me this.. I keep my distance from him and never allow myself to be alone with him. I just needed to vent I suppose, and find out if it is normal when married to look at other people like this..

By the way my husband is currently deployed - and so is his apparently "ex-mistress" although part of me thinks they are still involved...

Any re-assuring words would be welcomed

Thanks
DW

N0help4u · Dec 9, 2008, 04:18 PM

If you are not feeling this out of spite then it is more than likely the loneliness and hurt.
Instead of cheating it would be better to make a clean break and divorce him first before moving on.
If he has another woman whose to say he will not up and leave you for her when he comes back?

DarkWorld · Dec 9, 2008, 04:27 PM

He tells me all the time that he loves me and wants to work things out.. I know I am lonely and probably just attention starved. The good thing about the situation is that this friend is also married (he and I are the same age, and his wife and my husband are the same age - so naturally he and I have a good connection) BUT back to the good thing - I know what its like to find out your husband/partner is cheating... and thus would never want to put anyone else through it.. so in that regard I do feel that it is harmless - I just feel my husband doesn't understand me he doesn't see eye to eye with me - we used to.. but being separated right now isn't good.. and I told him that before he left that it was a bad idea and could very well undo our marriage. He insisted on going. We talk daily and he almost pesters me with messages throughout the day.. he doesn't even get the basics sometimes.. almost as though he lost the art of seduction.. I mean no woman likes to walk in a room and just get grabbed by the crotch as though someone is shaking your hand... At least turn the oven on first! Lol..

I talked to this friend about the situation - and I love that he and I can talk so openly - we both feel that as long as it goes no further than this we are both OK with it and it is nothing more than some ego stroking.. (and that is the only stroking going on may I say!)

I really want my husband to understand me.. but he starts trying - it gets too difficult for him then he finds an excuse to stop. His advances have become a huge turn off for me because he doesn't try to make me feel special.. it seems all seedy and mostly like its to get him off..

This other friend just likes hanging around with me.. no expectations.. perhaps that is the biggest turn on of all.. being accepted and liked for exactly who you are.

DarkWorld · Dec 9, 2008, 04:29 PM

I should also say that being a military spouse - leaving someone who is deployed is just not done unless you are scum. In fact it is frowned upon more than cheating.. because it is viewed as "your husband is at war and as if he didn't have enough to think about you left him, left him in a war zone and left him with an empty house..."

N0help4u · Dec 9, 2008, 04:35 PM

Maybe the best thing to do is try and find interests, hobbies and groups to join to take your mind off things for now.

DarkWorld · Dec 9, 2008, 04:49 PM

Probably a good plan. Thanks for your ear - and kind words :)

WorkingOnIt2 · Dec 11, 2008, 08:58 AM

For all intents and purposes, your marriage is over. Your husband seems unwilling to address the problems you two have and (assuming you're correct) he's had multiple affairs. Two options:
1) Divorce him when he returns from his deployment: You can start with a clean slate and with your dignity and honor intact. You'll also have the experience to know how important it its to communicate your expectations about marriage/trust/fidelity with any potential partner. (I regret not doing this myself.)
2) If you still Love him: Write him letters and explain all that you're feeling. Try to use wording of "I feel" rather than "you did" . If he responds with letters that express genuine emotion and feeling, then there's a chance that marital counseling may work for me. A slim chance. Don't expect too much from a serial cheater. Their moral compass usually can't be corrected.