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midori32 · Dec 6, 2008, 04:47 PM

A friend of mine is in a situation with a guy who says he loves her, compliments her, etc. He even wants to sleep with her unprotected. However, he wants to call her his "friend". But then acts like they are casually dating. I told her this was ridiculous and that she should at least be his "girlfriend" first. She told him and he replied that he cannot date her right now because he has a 6 month old baby and if his ex-girlfriend/ baby momma finds out they are dating she would try to take the child away. Apparently, the ex girlfriend/baby momma has a lot of control and power. He has admitted to being "scared" of her because she is "crazy". Additionally, he wants to spend time getting to know his baby putting his child first.

He further stated that he wants to be friends with her now, then she can eventually be his girlfriend. How long should she have to wait for him? And how should she proceed until he is ready to have a "girlfriend". Sex or no sex? She does not want him to go with another woman.

Naturally, I told her this was ridiculous and that he can get a court visitation order and still see his baby. And the man should know this because he is an attorney himself, who used to practice family law.

You opinion?

TrueFaith · Dec 6, 2008, 05:59 PM

She should not go with him

that just opens a huge mess!

tell her to stay away from him until he knows what he wants.

he is using the X girlfirend as a cheat. Just so he can have a fun easy relationship.

tell her to tell him. Until he wants a real relationship. Then leave her alone.

neverme · Dec 6, 2008, 09:00 PM

RUN!! :p no really though, stay away from this situation all together. It screams danger.

talaniman · Dec 6, 2008, 10:44 PM

She must love drama, and confusion. Can't she get someone with a lot less baggage?

midori32 · Dec 7, 2008, 10:56 PM

One of my other friends suggested that he is saying "friends" because some guys do not want to get into a relationship until they have sex. Me personally I would like to know I was in a relationship when having sex with someone. To me friends are friends and dating is a separate thing.

The other friend went on to say that he wants to sleep with her unprotected because he is trying to make her pregnant (he said he wanted to have kids with her) as an easy way out of his situation with his baby mama. Like she would lose control over him and he would have a way to break ties with her without telling her its over. He is scared of her reaction. So if he makes this friend pregnant, he has an excuse to marry her and move on from the baby's mother.

lisa45 · Dec 7, 2008, 11:04 PM

I don't think she should interfere with this guy and his child. Find someone else. She needs to find someone else

talaniman · Dec 8, 2008, 07:28 AM

Your friend is being fed BS, and hogwash. If she falls for it..! (Very harsh name calling here)

Tracy007 · Dec 8, 2008, 11:54 AM

You are a true friend. My opinion is to advise her to stay away from him, he will only bring her pain. And his ex sounds like a nut case, I hate women who uses their child as a weapon. Are you sure he is a man? I mean, look at the guy he is scared of his X. You are right if he wants to see his baby he can get a court visitation. I agree with TrueFaith about - he is using the X as a cheat just so he can have a fun easy relationship. He doesn't want commitment... Who can blame him probably his X drove him nutts.

midori32 · Dec 8, 2008, 04:51 PM

Originally Posted by lisa45

I don't think she should interfere with this guy and his child. Find someone else. She needs to find someone else

Well in all fairness, I do not think she is interfering with the guy and his child. He still sees and takes care of his child. And the man is not going back to his ex. So he can date. I just think that he should get a custody order and not date her in secret.

Just because he has a baby I do not think that should prevent him from dating. He did not want the child , it was not planned. As long as he takes care of his responsibilities, i.e. sees his child. He is going to date women. She is not encouraging him to leave his child.

She loves him and he claims to love her, so they should not hide. She knew him before he became a dad, a long time , like over one year. They liked each other before. He came to her and told her he wanted her in his life.

midori32 · Dec 8, 2008, 05:07 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your friend is being fed BS, and hogwash. If she falls for it.....................!!!!!! (Very harsh name calling here)

LOL, I forgot to mention a few things

1. My friend met the baby's mother before she got pregnant and she knows her as a colleague of her ex boyfriend. The ex boyfriend in part thinks that if she (the baby's mother) knows its my friend he likes, she will feel betrayed and think he left her for my friend.

2. The man never wanted the child he claims she stopped taking birth control and never told him.

3. The baby's mother and the man have been broken up for over one year.

4. The friend has a lot going for her and he is afraid that his ex will freak out.

5. The man has confided in my friend for over one year, even when he found out his ex was pregnant. He went to her for support.

* I still think that if he can date her in public with a court child custody order. That would solve everything.

midori32 · Dec 8, 2008, 05:13 PM

Originally Posted by Tracy007

You are a true friend. My opinion is to advise her to stay away from him, he will only bring her pain. And his ex sounds like a nut case, I hate women who uses their child as a weapon. Are you sure he is a man? I mean, look at the guy he is scared of his X. You are right if he wants to see his baby he can get a court visitation. I agree with TrueFaith about - he is using the X as a cheat just so he can have a fun easy relationship. He dosent want commitment... Who can blame him probably his X drove him nutts.

His ex has mentally abused him in the past. And promised to do crazy things. For example he would have to run home if he stayed out too long with the guys and if he wanted to buy anything she disaproved of he would have to sneak it in the house. He is literally scared of what she will do to his son, if it were not for his son he could leave her. He really actually loves his son. I have to give him that one.

The baby's ex is older than him by several years. She was getting to the point where she needed a child fast, close to 40. They are from different backgrounds, he is very educated, wealthy etc. And she is a slightly ecentric hippie type.

talaniman · Dec 8, 2008, 05:33 PM

He is a grown man and that's his business, and hers, not your friend's. She needs to not get involved. The way I see it, if he is so scared of her, then why is he willing to cheat, and not leave. He is full of it.

Tracy007 · Dec 8, 2008, 05:40 PM

Originally Posted by midori32

His ex has mentally abused him in the past. And promised to do crazy things. For example he would have to run home if he stayed out too long with the guys and if he wanted to buy anything she disaproved of he would have to sneak it in the house. He is literally scared of what she will do to his son, if it were not for his son he could leave her. He really actually loves his son. I have to give him that one.

The babys ex is older than him by several years. She was getting to the point where she needed a child fast, close to 40. They are from different backgrounds, he is very educated, wealthy etc. And she is a slightly ecentric hippie type.

She's (the X) a sicko then. I hear you, he cares a lot for his son and your friend, for the baby he could do something about it by as earlier you mentioned a court visitation, I presume he visits the child on a regular basis with the baby mama terms and conditions. If he wants to be with your friend and no longer has to hide her in secret he should apply for a child custudy order. You say he is a good dad, then there shouldn't be any problems him seeing his baby under the court terms and conditions + it would empower him if he succeeds this, as long he is not lying to your friend about his X girlfriend situation. Nothing is stoping him.

midori32 · Dec 8, 2008, 09:56 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

He is a grown man and thats his business, and hers, not your friend's. She needs to not get involved. The way I see it, if he is so scared of her, then why is he willing to cheat, and not leave. He is full of it.

I am not taking his side. Just telling the story as I know it. He did leave her and that is when she called him back, after they broke up and said that she was pregnant.

midori32 · Dec 8, 2008, 10:10 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

He is a grown man and thats his business, and hers, not your friend's. She needs to not get involved. The way I see it, if he is so scared of her, then why is he willing to cheat, and not leave. He is full of it.

Yeah
Well that's why I think the only true way to tell his intentions for sure is for him to get a court order of visitation/custody. Then she would know he is serious about moving on and would not have to guess. With court visitations scheduled the parents do not even have to speak. They just can give the child to a nuetral party (trusted person) to give to the other parent.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2008, 06:17 AM

That's between him and his baby mama. Tell your friend to stay out of his drama.

Natalie_David · Oct 10, 2011, 10:39 AM

Honestly, I would run!
Guys like these are not willing to do what it takes to make a 'real' relationship work with a 'real' person (and yes, I am speaking from experience).

Where there is a will: there is a way. This guy needs to put things in place for his baby; figure out who he wants to be with; and move on with a healthy relationship.

More often than not, a lot of these guys say it's 'baby momma drama', but really the situation is that they ALWAYS have sex available (with the baby momma) whenever they want it (since they are never getting married to the baby momma: wake up and smell the coffee ladies: if he wasn't interested when you told him you were pregnant: giving him everything now won't make him change his mind - you are just selling yourself short). Then these guys pretend they want a 'real' relationship with a 'decent' woman - but really what they want is to have their cake and eat it too! This new girl also has to make sure this isn't what he is doing to her - don't sell yourself short either!

At the end of the day, think about how much of yourself you are compromising for this man: your principles, your dignity - is this guy really worth all that drama? (Look for a single guy: who won't make you compromise who you are - a relationship should not be this difficult, especially this early in the game).

Plus if you are so busy with him, you actually may not see a guy truly worthy of you.
Move on...