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    iluvedward's Avatar
    iluvedward Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 2, 2008, 07:20 AM
    Is it an affair?
    I really need some advice. I am going to keep this short and staight to the point. I am due to be married soon and have a baby with my fiancÚ, he is great and everything I want. The problem is that I have a guy mate who I have been in contact with for almost two years, and previously we were very close friends at school. By close I mean we went out once for very very short period and split up because of silly lilttle argument. Anyway, my guy friend has also got a partner who he doesn't live with yet, but he is planning to propose. She is great, I have met her before.
    Now, when me and my guy mate talk we sometimes flirt and its obvious that you have strong feelings for eachtother. Just after having my son I ended up kissing him and we both admitted that it felt right but it will never happen again. Of course it happned again last week, we can't fight our feelings for each other any longer. We don't want to split up with our partners but we don't want to lose eachtother either. He is justa s messed up as I am and we don't know what to do.

    I feel so selfish for wanting to be with someone else, and part of me wonders that may be the only reason I am still with my partner is because we have a son together and a house. I really need so opinions.

    Thank you
    jmw0713's Avatar
    jmw0713 Posts: 1,012, Reputation: 305
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    #2

    Dec 2, 2008, 07:54 AM

    If you really love your fiancÚ... you need to stop all contact with this other guy... PERIOD!!

    You are already venturing into dangerous territory by kissing him. This also mean that you are not able to control yourself and keep this relationship as "Just friends" with this other guy.

    You have 3 choices.

    1. Stop talking to this other guy and completely end that relationship.

    2. Talk with your fiancÚ and tell him what you feel is lacking in your current relationship that you may be finding in this other guy and work on correcting that deficiency with HIM.

    3. Call off the wedding. Break-up with your fiancÚ and starting seeing this other guy and screw everything you worked so hard for with your fiancÚ AND your kid!

    If your kissing him... it's just a matter of time before your screwing him. So look at those 3 options and ask yourself "Is it worth it??"

    Don't make a stupid mistake and blow years of commitment for 5 minutes of pleasure!
    iluvedward's Avatar
    iluvedward Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Dec 2, 2008, 08:08 AM

    Thank you jmw for your advice. I think No contact will be the best choice in this situation. When I read what I wrote I feel like that is a completely different person all together.
    How can I stop talking to someone whom I been friends with for almost 7 yrs now? May be if we don't speak everyday like we do now? Will that be a start?
    jmw0713's Avatar
    jmw0713 Posts: 1,012, Reputation: 305
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    #4

    Dec 2, 2008, 08:17 AM

    By Spending more time with your family and not talking to him. You have girlfriends right? Talk with them instead of that guy. Talk to your fiancÚ about things that are bothering you. You have plenty of other things or people to talk to instead of him.

    An no... if you even speak one or twice a month or once or twice a year, or whatever, I still think it is a dangerous situation because the physical line has already been crossed TWICE and you will keep thinking "Well, what if.....?" Don't do that.

    You have all you need with your fiancÚ and your child, otherwise why would you have gone as far to say "Yes" when he asked you to marry him??

    Communicate with your fiancÚ to make things right and be there for your child.
    learnintolikeme's Avatar
    learnintolikeme Posts: 34, Reputation: 5
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    #5

    Dec 2, 2008, 09:21 AM

    Remember, the grass is always greener on the other side! Your side is less green because it is getting less manure! Think about it. Why do you want to hurt so many people. Look after what you have it may turn out some beautiful surprises you didn't know you had. Your friend needs to be put aside for a while to see how you cope. Tell your fiancÚ at least be honest with him. You owe him that much respect.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
    Software Expert
     
    #6

    Dec 2, 2008, 10:28 AM

    Well of course it felt right when you kissed him. What's not to feel right? It's wet, and sticky and yummy and lips fit together perfectly and all your private parts get revved up at the same time.

    Who doesn't like THAT!!

    But you're a grownup now, right? Only little kids believe they should get what they want because they want it. Grownups live in a world of cause and effect. In a world of accountability and restraint.

    Grownups know the absolutely wonderful things in life that come as a result of choosing one thing over another. Grownups actually know how to look in the mirror and say "No, not gonna do that." To look in the eyes of yummy wet temptation and still say, "I'll pass."

    You can do that, right? Right!

    We really do get to choose the hell we live in. If you aren't able to be faithful because you have no real control of your physical body in terms of temptation, you should not get married. If you do, and you can't control yourself, you can picture NOW what your hell will be like, can't you? You can name the evil that will rule your life now, right?

    You don't have to do that, not to yourself, not to your fiancÚ, not at all. You can just stay single. You can. Engagements are easy to end when you picture the evil you're going to cause by not ending them.

    So take some deep breaths, look in the mirror and decide. You're a grownup, you get to pick. But you DON'T get to choose both and get anything but misery, and give misery as well.

    You're not going to let that happen are you?
    ZoeMarie's Avatar
    ZoeMarie Posts: 2,049, Reputation: 468
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    #7

    Dec 2, 2008, 11:05 AM

    I can understand wanting to stay together for your child's sake, although sometimes it's best for a child when both parents are happy. I can't understand staying together because of the house. If you're going to get married, get married for the right reasons. Get married because you love your fiancÚ and you want to spend the rest of your life with him. If that's not why you're getting married maybe it's time to re-evaluate your situation. If you decide to go through with the wedding stop talking to the other guy. Seriously. He's with someone and you're with someone, both of you should know better to control your urges.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,322, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Dec 2, 2008, 12:31 PM

    Where the hell are your boundaries?? If you can't control your own feelings now, how do you propose to after your married??

    Don't get married, until you have grown, and matured enough to cope with your feelings, in a more positive way, and remain within the boundaries of good behavior.
    iluvedward's Avatar
    iluvedward Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Dec 3, 2008, 02:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Where the hell are your boundaries??? If you can't control your own feelings now, how do you propose to after your married???

    Don't get married, until you have grown, and matured enough to cope with your feelings, in a more positive way, and remain within the boundaries of good behavior.
    Sometimes I wonder where my boundaries are, because I would never do anything like that but somehow I've still done it. Me and my faince are happy family, we never argue and he is abolutely besotted with me! So what the hell is the matter with me? I've been with my fiancÚ since high school and he was my first and I was his first.

    But my guy friend is the first person I spoke to when I started school he is been there for me (as a friend through all those years) and it's only now that we both realised that all these years with been in love, but we didn't want to admit it because we didn't wan to ruin what we had.
    I am not leaving my family, and part of me thinks that the only reason I am staying with his is because of our son. But may be I am just getting cold feet. I am going to stop talking to the guy, because we oth deserve better for eachtoher and so does everyone else around us.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #10

    Dec 3, 2008, 03:16 AM

    My dear you must follow your heart as to do otherwise is to live a life of deceit.I would not want to be with someone who was only with me because of some loyalty he felt. You are still being unfaithful ,if only in your heart.What is going to happen down the road when your fiancÚ is not so *besotted* with you and things are a little rough?
    Who will you turn to then?
    If you cannot get this friend out of your life than do your fiancÚ a favor and give him the honesty he deserves.
    To be with someone for the sake of a child is foolish.A child needs happy or at least moderately comfortable parents.
    Starting a marriage with such a heavy cloud of deceit overhead is a recipe for disaster.
    It is better to be up front now than to destroy him in the future.
    Maybe you just want the friend because he is forbidden?
    Look deep inside and do the honest thing .
    Blessings.. Michele
    mustshop75's Avatar
    mustshop75 Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Dec 3, 2008, 03:42 AM

    My pennies worth - if you act or say something to another fella that you wouldn't do if your partner was present then it's wrong. Be true to the person you are with in order to be true to yourself and your own happiness.
    Good luck with your decision. :)
    iluvedward's Avatar
    iluvedward Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Dec 3, 2008, 03:57 AM

    I think people that have said I am not mature enough to get married are right, may be I am too young. I dug myself a hole here but its still not deep enough, so I can get out for it. This affair coud be so much worse then it is, and I am so glad I realised that in time and people woke me up and told me straight on at what I am doing and what I am becoming.
    My family comes first, and me and my fiancÚ have been through worse.
    I often get chated up when I go out with friends but I always shuff my ring in their faces and say I am taken. This shouldn't be any different I need to sort my priorities right. Where do I begin??
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,322, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #13

    Dec 3, 2008, 06:16 AM

    Where do I begin??
    "My family comes first, and me and my fiancÚ"

    Thats a very good place to start.

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