[Empty Cans]

I'm a bit sad again today...

On Saturday my ex IM'd me, and said "I know we aren't supposed to be talking, but I just wanted to say hi" and we had a bit of a chat and she told me how she wanted to come and visit me before her staff airline travel privileges expire (her mum is a flight attendant and she gets cheap flights until she is 22)... I took this as a big sign that she is still into me... if she came down she would staying at my place, and probably in my bed with me as there are no other real alternatives. We talked about how we would hang out and do lots of fun things. She used to make these trips down every 6-8 weeks.

But then yesterday I started an IM chat with her... and she seemed so cold and distant... the opposite of how she had been the day before. I asked her how her day was and she just replied "umm ok and u" and was just generally being short with me. So I just said "k, well gotta go, cya". The guy who she had been seeing was online on Facebook too, so I imagine she had been talking to him and maybe upset about things.

I also found out it was him that ended things with her... rather than the other way around. Ironically apparently he was on the rebound too, and was rebounding with her.

This again makes me think the she has just been using me... when things fell apart with this guy, I was the fallback plan. From what she told me, I know she hasn't been truly happy when she was with this guy, that's why she was so upset about everything... although I also know that to some extent he made her feel happy in the moment.

Its all basically making me feel a bit crappy about everything. That empty feeling has returned. Just confusing how she can chop and change her attitude like that. I am going to see her in just over a week, and will try and sort things out then.

She told me that she was at her happiest when she was with me, and I told her the same. I don't really know if we both are wanting the same thing right now... in fact we probably don't, but I guess I need to find out either way. I just hate the feeling of being used.

[TrueFaith]

Dude OK..

What part of No contact don't you understand?

You only have yourself to blame now.

Stop being USED!

[ImTotallyLost]

Look, EC. I'll give my perspective about your stuff.

You should remove from your head every hope of getting back. Because it's gone. You guys had a great time together. Then she lost it. It might be that it was only the distance. There might be more. But it doesn't really matter. It's over.

It doesn't matter if she is trying to use you or if she is cheating you or if she still has feelings for you and wants to get back. Because things already happened. You already lost your trust on her - see how suspicious you are about her behaviour. And there's nothing you or her can do to get it back right now, no matter how much she might say that she loves you and wants to go back. Not without time and maturity on both of you.

So let it go. Get over it. Not over her. Over it. The relationship, it's over. Think of it as someone that died and that you really liked and was sweet, but died. You can mourn about it for a while, but you need to let go. Live your life again. There are 3 billion women in the world... there is a good chance you'll find another one that will make you a happy person.

Look, it's possible that you guys were meant to be and things will go back in the future or whatever. But you need to understand it won't be the same relationship, because that one died. You'll have to rebuild it and that will be really hard because of the memories. And the more you try to "fix it" right now, worse those memories will be, cause she'll feel like forcing herself and you will be hurt. See how you are already starting to hate her.

So you need to put yourself in the proper mindset. Stop trying to worry about her, what she's thinking, what she's going through. IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE. She gave up the right of having your support when she chose to break up. She did it. You need to care about yourself right now.

Keep your mind busy with different things. Get one addiction (a healthy one, please... I started running on the treadmill like crazy, it gives me a peace of mind and I sleep like a baby after getting crazy tired). If you have moods often, try to put it in perspective. Think about all the people that broke up. Think about couples with kids facing a divorce and think about how much harder they are having.

Also, from what I read, your ex isn't helping you with it so you should just go no contact. Not to punish her or whatever. But you need to get her out of your mind and the less you see her, the easier it is. It might seem childish, but for a week I had to block her from my IM, remove her from my Facebook, remove her name from every part of my computer (like, the label in her name on my gmail account, remove her pictures), wallet, life. And in my situation my ex wasn't even going all psycho on me. But I needed that time for myself.

Not saying it's easy. It's hard. It's really hard. I am still having those rollercoaster moments. But at least they are a bit easier because I can get back to my senses fast. Now I just feel sad that's over, but I understand that there's nothing that can be done right now. Again, it's like someone died. If you try to hold on to, you will end up with a rotten corpse. So let go and understand that you'll have to live with yourself right now.

Go NC, because it seems like you are needing it right now. And if there's no way of avoiding her IMing, suck up all the feelings and act like you don't care, that you don't love her anymore.

[Grayfox]

Dude, we've been telling you all along that the relationship ended for a reason, and regardless of what is going on in your mind right now, that reason probably isn't going to just change over night. Work on the things you can control, right now this relationship is out of control, and as ImTotallyLost said, "its dead". You need to stop thinking about the happiness and the memories and realize THAT Isn't COMNG BACK, you can have a few good days and hell of a lot of bad ones or you can surrender and have some bad days but much much better ones than you could ever imagine in the future. If you continue to hang on to this dead end you'll only temporarily satisfy your "needs". You need to see it for what it is, and her for what she is. Be the bigger person, cash out with what you have left, take your self-respect and your pride and cut your losses! Its over, don't dig the ditch any deeper! I hope that you will not have to be forced into absolutely no other option before finally realizing this. Don't learn the hard way, that way sucks, and you still might not even learn as much as you would by just thinking with your head instead of your heart. Good luck.

[talaniman]

For sure going complete, and strict NO CONTACT, will stop all this, pull you in, by being nice and giving you hope, and pushing you away, and confusing you drama.

It's that simple, but hard to do. Get started, and clear your head of the confusing clutter.

[busterite]

I'm a bit sad again today...

You hold the power to get off this emotional rollercoaster you are on. You will only manage that if you completely erase her from your life. Everyone has been telling you but I feel the need to reiterate that NC is the only way forward FOR YOU!

YOU are letting her have her the cake and eat it too and she will continue to do this for as long as YOU let her. She is stringing you along because it makes her feel better not because she wants to get back with you. If she did she would not have gone out with someone else and would not be playing around with you the way she is. Would you ever cause so much pain to a person you care about? She is only thinking about herself otherwise she would have the dignity to let you get away from all this. Sorry if I come out as harsh but Ive been thorugh it and I know its really hard to see things for what they are when you are in it.

[Empty Cans]

Its been a while... but I'll fill you in on what has happened.

Well I went back to my home town for 3 weeks over Xmas and New Year. My ex offered to pick me up and even said I should stay at her place in the spare room... which I accepted, and although I expected nothing to happen, that false hope was definitely there.

Anyway... I didn't actually end up staying there that night... I stayed at another friends place... and I found out later that she ended up staying at that guys place who she has been seeing. Cool for me.

So anyway... on that Sunday we were at a bbq together, I asked her for a talk. I told her how I felt... and to no one on this threads surprise, she didn't feel the same way. I cried... not to her but to a good friend. World crashing down again etc etc.

But then the next day I saw her again... she texted me and invited me over. And I went... but this time without all that trying to woo her crap... I knew where I stood so it was better. It carried on this way for the next couple of weeks... I did my best to try and just be her friend for the sake of enjoying my holiday... and because I liked being able to hang out with her. We did some of the things that we used to do when we were together... it was like I was trying to pretend that I was still her boyfriend.

Then one night she invited me and some friends to her place for drinks, before going into a club in the city. It was fun... but then for some reason she thought it would be a good idea to invite one of the guys who she had been hooking up with after we broke up... she had also slept with him but she doesn't know I know that. So anyway... I ended up getting really drunking and unleashing on her... telling her in front of a few other people how much she had hurt me, how she had devastated me and hurt me more than I thought I could ever be hurt. It wasn't really fair on her... but I had to say it. We sorted it all out the next day.

During this time I realised what I had to do. I knew that the only way forward was to listen to all you guys and just go NC. But while I was still up there, and knew that she was going to be around, I figured I might as well just try and do my best and hanging out with her.

On the Sunday that I left, we were supposed to be meeting up for brunch... but she ended up getting wasted the night before and bailed on my plans, leaving me in the lurch and having to make alternative plans to drop off my car and get to the airport. I was not impressed.

She called me three times and left me a message to email her or text her. I sent her a text saying that there was nothing much more to say. Then today I set it out in an email, saying that I could not put myself through this anymore... not that she was hurting me, but that I was hurting myself by letting myself be around her and in contact with her.

And today I took a big step and removed her as a friend from Facebook. It has taken me pretty much 4 months from the day we broke up to get this far. I feel quite liberated knowing I can go on to Facebook without having to have constant reminders of her.

So tomorrow will actually be the official first day of No Contact for me.

You were all right... and anyone who is in the early stages of their break up and is reading this... LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE. They know what they are talking about when they are telling you that it is over. The main thing I have learnt is that you have no control over what your ex is feeling... no matter what you do you cannot make them love you back... they will be the one who decides if they want to get back to you, and you have no say in what they decide. All you can do is give them more reasons NOT to come back.

[Grayfox]

I removed my ex from Facebook on the first day. I knew that would be a problem in the future, and I can't tell you how much it helps not to know what your ex is doing. You might think you need to know, you might desperately want to know... but the sad thing is... it will not in any way, shape or form, change what they want or what they'll do. Nor will it give you a better position. I think you are like me in some ways. A lot of people take some serious convincing to really get to a point where they realize it really just isn't happening. Others have to get hurt over and over, and some can control themselves the moment it happens. It has been a little over a month for me that I've had no contact. I can tell you right now, I still talk to my ex from time to time. You probably will too. I still think about her, she still bothers me, and I still have a ways to go before I'm fully over it. The only thing I can tell you to do or anyone else in the same position is STAY BUSY. Do not stop doing things, do as much as you can, have as much fun as you can, and for the love of god control your hand when its around that phone or that keyboard. You need to trick your mind into not realizing she was a part of your life. When you do remember, it will suck, but when you don't you won't realize it, but you'll be repairing yourself slowly. The truth is, there is no magical cure or easy way to kill the way you think of someone (which essentially is what a break up is) but time. Time time time. What matters is how much... and what determines how much is what you do in that time. Luckily two of my other friends are going through breakups so as soon as I got out of college we hung out like crazy and made pacts with each other. Sure enough my ex is trying to talk to me again, she's handling her situation in all the wrong ways, partying, hooking up, etc. Ill tell you right now... I couldn't be happier that I didn't give in, because now, I haven't had half as much trouble turning her down, I can actually see the greener grass on the other side, even if I haven't reached it yet. What you need is faith in a better tomorrow. No pain, no gain. You're going to have to suffer a bit man, it sucks, but when its through you'll have bought yourself quite a many more happy days.

[ThatGuy2]

YOU have NOTHING to gain from contact. That's pretty obvious from what you have typed out so far. Now that you know this, I really hope you will stick with no contact. Best of luck buddy, we're here for you.

[Grayfox]

And just to make another point. If it makes you any happier, which it probably will even though it probably shouldn't = ). I have a feeling she's like my ex in some ways. She's just making one mistake after another to fill that void temporarily rather than going through the pain of filling it fully. You're going to be a sore spot a lot longer for her than she will for you if you take the initiative now and cut her off. The happier she sees you, the more shell realize she's not, and the more that will scare her. Hell, she might even come running after you to see if she can get you to come back for various reasons... she might want to test your happiness, she might want to try and see if you'll bring it to her... etc. Sounds to me like regardless of either, you don't need her. You'll find someone else, just know that you don't NEED someone else. That will help you to find what you need in yourself and that's all you really need... after that you can want someone and they can want you, and you can both truly be happy together while your ex rolls around in her own foolishness. If you're the type of person to wish the best for her, then maybe shell learn one day, maybe shell clean up and stop messing up her life. Maybe one day you'll even find each other again, who knows... but I realllllllly doubt it, and if I were you id count that out completely. If you keep her cut off, you'll most likely move on to bigger and better things while she runs in circles. This is a journey I'm still on and I have yet to reach the grass, I'm just having faith right now, and believe me its hard... because the safety blanket is sitting right next to me and its callling MY name now. Its like the experiment with the child who has the option to take a cookie on the table sitting in front of them, or wait 5 minutes and be rewarded with 2 cookies. Willpower my friend.

[Empty Cans]

So I am two days into NC now... and although its early days I can already feel a change in my mindset. It feels good to be able to log on to Facebook and not have to check to see if she is online, or all the posts and comments she is making... ignorance truly is bliss.

She is still in my Facebook network... so if I click on her name I will still be able to see her profile. I changed my options so she can't do that... I might just remove myself from that network so I won't even be able to click on her profile. Although, to be honest I don't really have that much desire to see it anyway, no good will come of it. For me, removing her as a friend from Facebook is a really big step... both actually and symbolically.

I have had some moments of sadness over the past couple of days... I know it is early days yet and all, but I do still think about her a lot... and I guess I do wonder what she is doing. But the good thing is that I don't have a way of finding out what she is doing.

I'm sure there are some troubling times up ahead as I go on this NC journey, but I am committed to sticking to it for as long as it takes. I'm still learning to be on my own again... but my new motto has become "Onwards and upwards"... it is something one of my friends has been saying to me for a while now.

Is there any pattern to how this NC situation pans out? Like are there highs and lows, like for the first couple of weeks its hard, and then it just gets easier and then eventually just becomes normal?

[talaniman]

Feelings come and go, and just like life, you have good days and bad.

Check out "The No Contact Calendar" 1,2, and 3 for some very good insights into No Contact, and how others have dealt with it. That's a great place to vent with the ones going through the same things you are.

[zeeniee]

There is no rule in how the NC will pan out- but you will def have good and bad days and will feel like a yo yo for a bit. I think the most sensible thing to do- is to take small steps and make realistic plans that you can keep to and so you don't fall and get low with yourself.

I think you did well in removing her from facebook- I recently removed mutual friends and the ex's family- now when I look in facebook- it is all about me and my friends- I was surprise to find how much positiveness it created and how it feels good that they can't see what I am doing and I don't care what they are doing! Good as they don't deserve to know how happy I will be in time ;-)

[jmw0713]

I don't even have a Facebook or MySpace page so that part has been pretty easy for me.

Removing any reminders of them from your life is a crucial step toward healing. Good job Empty and zeeniee.

[Empty Cans]

Thanks for all your advice... it definitely is a bit of a yo-yo. She pops into my dreams at night now and again, but I'm not waking up in the middle of the night and just staring at the ceiling thinking about her.

I have a bit of an empty feeling in my stomach... like now that I have given up chasing her, a part of me has died... the part of me that clung on to the flicker of hope that she might change her mind and come back to me. I guess I miss thinking of the possibility that I might be able to make her come back... now that I know that it is completely out of my hands.

But it's a good thing that she didn't come back because in its current state the relationship was unsalvagable anyway. If we were ever to get back together (I am not pinning any hopes on this) it would need to be with a fresh and clear head for the both of us. Its just hard to even imagine myself with a clear head at this time... I suppose I also find it hard to imagine having another relationship as good as the one we had. When we were going out I remember us feeling so lucky that we had such an incredible relationship... it seemed like we had the type of relationship people could only dream of. Funny thing is I think a lot of couples probably think that too...

[vivia12]

Thats the thing...its a mostly mutual break up, although its her doing overall. I can't just not reply to her emails...we were meant to go thru this amicably and just ignoring her is not the right way to go. I can now see that there is a 95% chance we won't get back together...but I can't ignore that 5% and just cease contact altogehter...

Gosh I know just how you feel,you keep hping for that 5%, and not letting go, its not easy but it you focus on movingon and be positive (reading that Abraham Hicks Law of Attraction,you should try it too, very uplifting)
Who knows what may come your way,
Good luck and keep the faith!

[ImTotallyLost]

Hey EC... I'm glad you got that into your head. Now that you understand that you must move on, you won't be doing any of those things that will make you go back to square one.

However, I'll warn you to brace for the worst part of the rollercoaster: trying to align your heart with your head. Now you know what you must do. But your heart will keep giving you those impulses that make us want to fight for her. Do not give in. Keep NC no matter how much you feel that she's missing you or how much you think it was your mistake. If she calls - she probably won't - but if she does, pretend like you moved on, and keep conversations short. You crossed the mental milestone of the healing process. Now give a chance for your heart to heal too.

What's working for me is to try not even to think about it - it's particularly important cases like ours where distance was the culprit... still when I think about it I feel like "crap, it doesn't make sense, I should call her and sort it out". Ha. Like that would help.

Work out. Go out to clubs/bars. Hang out with friends. Focus on work. And do not avoid doing anything because you're thinking of your ex. It should actually be an incentive for you to do more things. You shouldn't get into another relationship so soon (or it'll be a rebound). But it feels great to be back in the market! Enjoy your newfound freedom.

[Empty Cans]

Well that is one week of NC successfully behind me. I actually feel really good right now... like I have cut off this thing that was chaining me down.

I have even caught myself going a few minutes without her even popping into my head. Its still hard sometimes... which is only to be expected... but the constant sadness and longing is fading somewhat.

I was emailing some photos to one of my old host families from a student exchange I did a few years back, and I came across some photos of her on some of the great holidays we had. There was even a short video too... I couldn't help myself but to have a little look... and I didn't feel the pain that might have brought up earlier... I felt a bit of happiness... seeing how happy we were together and knowing that eventually I will have that feel back again with someone else. It really is her loss for giving up on that.

I've had a few weak moments this week... I have clicked on her Facebook profile a couple of times (she is in my "Network" but not a "friend")... I guess it is just a bit of curiosity creeping in... but its not the desperate seeking of information that I used to be going for.

And also, strangely, I have no real desire to talk to her right now. If I called her up on the phone, I don't think the conversation would last more than a few minutes... there really isn't much to say right now... which is a strange feeling given that not all that long ago we could be on the phone for hours.

I've been doing a few things for myself lately too and trying to have a good time more. I went out with some buddies on Saturday night and ended up making out with a girl at a bar. It was only a kiss (definitely all I am ready for anyway), but it felt good... good to be back in the game. I live in the tourism capital of New Zealand so there are beuatiful girls passing through the whole time... so being single here will definitely have its set of benefits.

Today I also went to the gym for the first time in ages... which also felt really good to get those muscles going again. And I also booked myself some flights to Sydney, Australia for the Grand Final of my favourite sport and a bunch of my buddies from home will be going over too.

So right now, I am in a good place. I know this whole NC thing is a rollercoaster, but I can feel its benefits working already.

[kctiger]

That is awesome man. You sound like you are making solid progress towards recovery. I will caution you though, not to look at her Facebook again. That website alone can totally ruin every bit of progress you make... I would block her profile somehow, as it really can be the devil in your situation.

[Grayfox]

Seriously, it takes a lot longer than you may think to get completely over someone. I broke up with my ex October 12th, and I still have to control where I allow my mind to wander. If you're not careful you can fall right back into that old mindset and have to work from the ground up all over again. That sucks. So, make sure you remove things that remind you of her. Its really like temporarily removing someone from existence in your mind until you've gone long enough that the emotion has faded and the attachment is broken, that is usually when its OK to think back to old times etc without it hurting or having an effect on how hard you've worked.