[SKLM10]

Hi. I'm a 17-year-old who lives in New York. I have a depression problem. There's this girl that I really like, that I love even, named Melanie. We had class together a few years ago in school, but I have since dropped out of school for personal reasons, and haven't seen her in about 2½ years. I haven't seen any of my friends in that amount of time, in fact.

I've recently signed up for MySpace, mainly to find my friends and see how they've been doing, since I know many of them have profiles there. And I've found quite a few of them, including Melanie. I posted a comment on her profile, asking if she remembered who I am, and although she added me as a friend, she's signed on over 10 times in the last 2 months, but has yet to even answer. It's killing me. I don't know how or why I have developed such strong feelings for her (nor do I care), but I just feel a passion for her.

I also found out my biggest fear is true, and that she does, in fact, have a boyfriend and is currently in a relationship, and it's driving me crazy. I cry every night over her, I think about her night and day, and even have bad mood swings, like I'll be happy-go-lucky one day, then I'll be depressed again the next. I know I shouldn't get but probably seem obsessed over her, as this isn't healthy for a youngster like me, but it's too late for me to turn away. She means everything to me, even if I barely know her.

I've ruled out the option of "moving on", too. I know someone is going to tell me to move on and find someone else, but I've thought of that long and hard, and it only led me to cut myself over 30 times. I just can't get this girl out of my mind. I've lost all interest in the activities I once enjoyed, and I have a lot of symptoms from my depression. The biggest ones are insomnia and contemplating suicide. I stay up through the whole night, sometimes going a whole day without sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see her and hear her voice faintly in my head. And I can't get rid of the fact that she has a boyfriend. If she didn't, it wouldn't be so painful, but I always think of what she might be doing with her boyfriend, at any given moment, and I just burst out into tears. It hurts badly, so bad that I've even written a suicide letter to her, and have been contemplating suicide for months.

It's pretty evident in my rant here that I have a major problem, but I don't know how to deal with it. I've told my parents about all my feelings for Melanie, but even they don't know what to do, and I am quickly approaching the breaking point. I know I'm going to snap any day now, and actually commit suicide. I probably come off as an obsessed freak, but I don't care. I know who I am, and that I would never hurt Melanie, in any way, nor would I ever stalk her. I just need help. Some serious help. Please, if anyone knows how I can get better, seek help, learn to control my feelings, or even how to get Melanie to love me back, I'd really appreciate it.

[ashey23ole]

You really concern me, I want you to seek help.

Please call this confidential hotline, its associated with the University at Albany. They are open from 12-12 M-TH and 24 hours on the weekend. However we close for the holidays the 17th. Please call.
(518) 442-5777



No girl is EVER worth ending your life... please realize that... you will get better

[ashey23ole]

That is if you live in the US. If not, please seek counseling or search the internet for a hotline you could call. I know you feel pretty helpless but there are those who can help you deal with your feelings and work through it. Never give up..

[kwwinny59]

You are right you are to young, not for your feelings for someone else, but for the depression and anger. You should seek counseling. I am severely bipolar and I have been helped with anger and depression. Please check into this. You deserve happiness. Before you can love someone else you need to be happy with yourself.

[amzster08]

Okay, I do not want to give you my sob story. That will not help you. I just want to let you know you ARE NOT ALONE.

I'm 18 years old, going on 19. I've dated the same guy for the four years we were in high school and the one year he was in college (he's a year older). He was my world, and I know from his laugh and smile he loved me back. We went through rough times with his crackhead mom and alcoholic boyfriend kicking him out of the house and being violent and I would come get him and give him somewhere to sleep at night and food to eat when he had none. My parents understood. I wanted to stay with him forever, and we planned on going to the same college and getting an apartment after a few years and getting jobs and getting married one day. When the problems were at an all time high he always whispered to me "Just wait till we're in college. We can be together and answer to no one." Well, he lied. Three months away from me graduating high school, he dumped me saying "School is too hard. I don't wanna deal with you anymore." I felt like dying. Crawling under a rock and silently dwindling away... Now, 10 months later, I'm in college but unhappy. My dad forced me here. I have family in Texas but no money to move there and start over. But why start over? My ex gets everything he wants, perfect friends, loads of money, free stuff, hot girls being all over him at parties, his friends all acting like he's the best thing that's ever happened to him. He was even on the news the other night for God Sakes. I can't get a break. I'm making bad grades because I simply don't care. About anything. At all. No friends because they've all backstabbed me to the point my wounds can't close, my ex walking away at the time I needed him most... It all boils down to...

You're not alone, SKLM10. People say move on. People say get on with your life. People say you need to stop chasing fantasies and come back to reality. Go to Counseling. Get help. You need to get out there and meet people. You need to go on dates. You need to join community clubs and try new things and start over and find yourself and love yourself and express your emotions in a positive fashion. I've heard it all. And I haven't done a one of them because those people DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE. If they did they wouldn't offer such bull advice. Everyone deals with problems and pain in different ways. Everyone has to do things in their own way and time or they wouldn't be themselves, they'd be some perfect clone society has created. I wish I could be all peppy and offer you advice on how to deal with this, SKLM10, but all I can say is that has to come from inside you. I used to cry going to sleep. I used to cry getting up. I used cry when those Damn Hallmark Commercials come on TV or a sad song played on radio. But now I've got a shell around me nothing and nobody can penetrate, and that's the worst thing you could possibly ever do. I feel as if I'm in a dark hole, alone, naked, and dying. I put myself here, and that's basically where I'm going to stay if something doesn't bring me out. I'm too tired to help myself anymore. I'm too tired of being hurt and disapointed and alone. I'm just done.

I hope you make it out of your own personal hole, SKLM10. I'm rooting for you. Until then maybe we can keep each other company...

[JudyKayTee]

that is if you live in the US. if not, please seek counseling or search the internet for a hotline you could call. I know you feel pretty helpless but there are those who can help you deal with your feelings and work through it. never give up..

Yes, he said he lives in NY. There would be a suicide hotline, probably in his City. There are also school guidance counsellors who can help.

I am concerned about writing a suicide letter to the girlfriend and if OP does something drastic, forcing her to live with this scenario for the rest of her life. I'm not sure that he isn't contemplating suicide as revenge.

If parents won't listen you go elsewhere - to school, to a clergyman, to an adult friend, to a family member, to a Physician. To a certain extent, with a fixation over a girl OP hasn't seen for 2-1/2 years it's obsessive behavior, able to be treated by drugs.

There's help out there - I don't know how you motivate someone to find and accept it.

[amzster08]

Thanks ashey. I'm not suicidal though. Just lonely, and a writer.

[ashey23ole]

Its not a suicide hotline... they are trained college students willing to talk about anything...

[amzster08]

Oh okay... that sounds really interesting then. Definitely something I'd be willing to check out. Thanks

[AManWithNoName]

Listen to this song, it helped me, it'll help you
YouTube - Warren Zevon - My 's ed Up

[KBC]

Well,that is a different approach to the dealings with depression,AManWithNoName.I am glad it works for you.:)