[ug951]

Hi. I'm 4 months pregnant with my ex-boyfriends baby. He has been separated from his wife for 8 months and he broke it off with me because he couldn't handle me being pregnant and wanted me to terminate and I wouldn't. Should the wife know that I am pregnant if they are separated? And should he tell her or should she get a random email. His family doesn't know at all that I'm pregnant. They have one child together and my child would be the half sibling of his daughter with his separated wife. I have no plans on putting his name on the birth certificate or having the baby take his name since he wanted termination of the pregnancy.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

I believe that if him and his wife decide to reconcile, than she deserves to know. Having your husband have a baby by another woman could be a deal breaker. If they don't get back together and end up in divorce than I really don't see the point in telling her, because then she will be moving on from that relationship and hearing that news could do nothing more than hurt her unnecessarily. Chances are she will probably find out one day...

[baho]

She deserves to know, just because they are separated does not mean she has no desire to work it out. Knowing that he has fathered a child with another woman and wanted you to terminate it may just be the last straw for her. Besides your baby has a sister, and they deserve to know each other. I would talk to her on the phone, and ask if she wants to meet in person. It might be uncomfortable but it could be the beginning of a great life for your child.

[JBeaucaire]

You guys, sheesh people. First you do this to yourselves, and now you're debating how best to punish each other through the bad results of bad decisions. I know I'm harsh, but this is just angry following crazy, and it needs to stop.

You're going to have the baby? Yes? OK. Then the decisions that follow are not about you anymore, they are about that child.

Whether the man wants it or not, he made a baby with you. He can break up with you, he cannot break up with your child. Your child has two adult parents, who just happen to be in the middle of a soap opera of their own making, but he/she still has two parents.

Keep that in mind. No anger, no more drama about you and him being together or not, that man is the baby's father. That means certain requirements of fatherhood will fall to him whether he wants to "play dad" or not... he'll still have to PAY dad.

So:

• Yes - his name will be on the birth certificate.
• Yes -His family will need to be informed. Again, no threats, just ask him if he wants to tell his family together or break the news without you ahead of time, because you're going to talk to them on Saturday....etc. No anger.
• Yes -his wife will have to know, but leave that to him, it's not your soap opera.
• Yes - you will get legal counsel with the assistance of your family and his family to arrange a legal anD beneficial arrangement for child support. This is not a gravy train, nor a way to punish him. Just get some reasonable monthly assistance and make it bearable for him. Chasing him away punishes your child, not him. Don't mess this up.
• Yes - you're in for some fun step-drama over the years, so you will learn to get along with his real wife. You two did this, he didn't do it to you, so don't play the victim. Your child WINS in the long run when mom doesn't spend the next 20 years mad at something she is responsible for. Accept it, deep breaths, happy face...all of you....learn to get along.

This is going to be tough, but being a mom means you're done thinking selfishly. Protect that child from crazy stuff, especially your own over this situation, and do not be the reason the baby doesn't know its dad.

If dad chooses to be absent, which may happen, don't get in the middle of it. Be honest, calm, and do not let the man free from his legal responsibility even if he abandons the emotional ones.

And when you start dating again, remember how this happened. Making babies is a known science... we know what causes it. It is 100% avoidable in the future, yes?