[Sha Peters]

I am 22 years old, my mum and I always seems to get into fights whenever I try to become independent of her, she gets angrier and angerier. Whenever I dedicate all my attention to her she's my best friend and there is nothing that can get in our way. However I recently found a new job and I have been a bit withdrawn, she's always trying to get my attention and then she spends more time buying my younger sister nicer clothes and stuff, and then neglects me, I feel bad but I wish she would be fair and stop being angry with me, I miss my mum, but I too get angry at her for being so much more closer to my sister and rejecting me, she always needs someone to depend on her and because I have found my independence she's being spiteful, we usually have blow ups and end up not talking to each other for days.

[Chery]

It is hard for any mother or daughter to deal with a big transition in life. First a mother knows she's needed by her children until a certain age. Then she notices that they are 'ready' to leave the nest and that she might not be needed any more. Not being needed and perhaps being alone (you did not mention a father - so she might be all alone) once the 'kids' leave the house can be scary for any mother until she finds something else with which to fill her time productively. This fear of future loneliness can be very painful and she might be fighting this fear in the wrong way.

Now, you are leaving the nest, but there is still another child there. It's only natural for your mother to pay as much attention as possible so that she won't have to deal with being alone altogether. How would you feel in your mother's shoes or even those of your younger sister? Find a way to regain harmony by communicating more with each other.

May I suggest that you talk to a therapist about this, or someone in the family that you both trust. How about a grandparent who went through this already and ask them how they coped. Maybe there are other older people in your neighborhood who went through this already and they just might be able to share stories and solutions with you too.

It was hard for me as well when my daughter left home.. and I did try many times to 'win' her back. But I also realized that we all grow up and go our own way.. It depends on how we cope with this fact and deal with the reality of another stage in our lives. Now I am a happy grandmother living alone who gets to see her family on the weekends - and that gives me something wonderful to look forward to. Sometimes this transition can be very hard and painful if we are not able to talk to each other about it.

So, try and take your mom out to dinner some time and tell her what you really feel, without the yelling. And it's OK to ask her if she fears a future of being alone. Try and come up with a solution, like a 'girl's night out, or an afternoon, once a week where it's quality time for just the two of you.

I hope that some of my suggestions helped you think of alternatives to yelling, envy and negative communication.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

[Alty]

I agree with Chery. It's very hard to give up the role of Mom. Thankfully I'm not there yet with my kids, but even when my youngest started school full time this year, I had a bit of separation anxiety.

Your mom isn't losing you, but she is losing a big part of you, the day to day stuff you only get when a child is younger and more dependent of you.

Of course I'm sure she's proud that you are finding your way, making your own path, but it's still hard to accept that you're not her little girl anymore.

It's hard on you too, but try to be patient with your mom. Remember, she's human too. :)