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busterite · Nov 23, 2008, 05:34 AM

Hello,
It has been a while since I last asked for advice on here and I feel much better than the last time I did but I feel I have know reached a point where I could use some guidance.

I have another two posts with my story (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-243232.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-263778.html)

But to save you some time and cut a long story short we broke up 5 months ago after going out for 3 years. She met someone during an internship and ended up making out with him before breaking up with me and leaving me for him. She kept on contacting me but I decided NC was the best for me and so I basically stopped answering any calls, emails, texts for a few months. She still found ways to get her messages through but I ignored it all. It did really work for me and it was an "out of sight, out of mind" case.

Two days ago I was organising a party for a friend, who had finished his degree, and whom she knows through me. I decided it would be selfish of me not to invite her since we were celebrating my friend so I did. At first she hesitated but she eventually agreed to come. Two days before that I had received an email from her which I hadn't seen because it had gone to my junk mail. She told me to read it. It was a full blown confession basically asking for forgiveness although she knows she doesn't deserve it. To be honest I was shocked as I wasn't expecting this. I told her I am not sure how to reply to this. She ended up coming along to the party and we actually had a good time. I didn't feel awkward at any point to be honest so that's good. She was one of the last people to leave with a couple of my friends. She sent me an email when she got home thanking me for everything Ive done and also went on to explain the previous email. She basically explained that it was a way for her to let me know of the guilt she felt all these months because of the way she treated me back then and also to let me know of the guilt in the thought that I might think she didn't regret in any way. She said it was her awkward way of saying how much she has missed me. Missed me as a friend because for the 3 yrs we went out I was her best friend in the whole world and always knew how to talk her through things so that she understands them better. She said the effects of losing that have taken their toll especially now that she has to make some serious decisions about her future. She also said she knows she doesn't deserve my friendship and that is something she will have to live with and that she is trying.

TO be honest I was not expecting any of this. My question is whether it is a wise idea to start establishing a friendship but most importantly how do you know you are ready to? Is 5 months enough time?

High Max · Nov 23, 2008, 05:37 AM

That depends, did seeing her bring up a lot of old emotions? Are you thinking about her a lot after seeing her?

busterite · Nov 23, 2008, 05:49 AM

I am definitely thinking about her a lot mainly after these emails and not so much because I saw her. The emotions it brought back is a sense of warmth being with someone that knows you inside out. The other thing is that the last few months I've had to make new friends because most of our friends were common (we come from the same background and grew up in the same circle of friends). And to be honest it felt nice talking to someone that you have known for more than a few months. Is this sense of warmth I felt a bad sign?

kctiger · Nov 23, 2008, 08:48 AM

You know you are over someone when you aren't concerned with being friends with them. I would not be friends with her, EVER. Ex's are just that, ex's. They are no longer a friend and sometimes never should be. If I were you, I would disregard her emails and continue on with your life. An apology doesn't change anything. Accept the apology, but there is no reason for you to develop a friendly relationship with her now. The past is the past, and nothing will change that.

High Max · Nov 23, 2008, 08:54 AM

Yeah, she cheated on you. To hell with her, I say. If that were me and they came back to me, I'd have to tell her that I hope that all the bad things in life happen to you and only you, and that your man cheats on you and leaves you for someone better looking.

kaitou · Nov 23, 2008, 09:08 AM

Well, I think you could be friends with her if you don't have lingering feelings for her, otherwise you'll just crash and burn in confusion and false hope.

DeleteAndBan · Nov 23, 2008, 09:31 AM

I am in a similar situation as you, trying to decide if I can be friends with my ex (she really wants to, says she is lonely etc.)

I am curious as to how you will handle this situation.

In my case I have decided that I can't. I still have some feelings, and I would be bothered if I would have to listen to her dating other guys. Friends I guess should support each other in every aspect of life. If I can't support her with her love life, I can't be a friend.

Another point is that I do not want to ruin the image I have of us being lovers...
The realisation that something so special has regressed into something "ordinary" is painful in itself.

talaniman · Nov 23, 2008, 10:21 AM

Take her apology as it is, simply an apology, and carry on with your life without her.

Why go back to a ex for friendship, when you have moved forward with your life??

Maybe in the future, but not now for sure. You may have forgiven, but not forgotten so warm and fuzzy as those feelings still are, why dredge up the ones that are not.

Live without her as a friend.

wolfgangqpublic · Nov 23, 2008, 10:40 AM

If you see her, accept her apology and forgive her. That's just good karma. Don't let it proceed beyond that for now, and remind yourself that the relationship ended for a reason.

Try and re-characterize your warm feelings as those of someone you miss as a person and not as a partner. A few months down the line you may be better equipped to be friends. At this stage, friendly is best - answer pleasantly and clearly her emails, etc (as long as they are infrequent) but keep moving forward.

She does not want you back.

She does not want you back.

Don't forget that.

busterite · Nov 23, 2008, 06:18 PM

I feel I have forgiven her a long time ago. From the first days I tried to not have any negative feelings as I felt it would have kept me moving ahead for the wrong reasons.

And I feel that I have made huge leaps over the past 5 months and that's why I'm scared of burning myself again. I know how hard this has been and I really do not want to harm myself. I am doing my best to protect myself here.

She says she knows she doesn't have the right and definitely does not deserve my friendship and that is something she will have to live with and something she is trying to do. But what I realise for once more here is that she is thinking of herself, she says she doesn't deserve the friendship whereas she should be thinking that I shouldn't deserve to suffer again. I guess she has struck my weak spot once more which is the fact that I like to help people out but you guys are right here. I cannot afford to do that on the expense of my own wellbeing.

One other point is that we have a lot of common friends and what this has done is it has taken me away from them and that is one of the toughest things I've had to deal with. I guess that is why reconciliation was something I was considering. I would love to be able to wake up tomorrow and have no feelings for her and be able to hang out in the same group of people we grew up with. But the truth is things are different now and I am just going to have to adapt the way I have done so far, and you never know what the future will bring.

I don't think I can afford to be her friend at this point in time. There is still too much of a load I'm carrying and which I will have to get rid of before thinking about being friends. One thing I am happy though is that we are now on speaking terms and if I ever have to be in the same place as her (e.g friend's bday) things won't be as awkward I guess.

thadevilsadvocate · Nov 23, 2008, 08:02 PM

Ask yourself this... If you had known, before you started dating her, that she would cheat on you and leave you after a three year relationship, would you have ever gotten together with her?

Would you have wanted to even be associated with someone that would do this? You don't surround yourself with backstabbing friends do you? Why start now?

This will give you the answers you need.