[imperial_love]

We have been married for almost four years now. It has been pretty rough for the past 2 years and I always thought it was "normal" to have these differences. As my husband started to be successful career wise, he turned to someone that I didn't know. He started not wanting me, his first reason was because I gained weight then now I lost all the weight that I gained and then some. It is still the same. I don't know his reason. He says he doesn't have anyone else and not even interested in anyone. Waking up this morning, I asked him if he's still happy? Or the only reason why he's with me because he feels obligated to. We don't have any children. He didn't respond and we went our separate ways to go to work. Then about an hour ago I received an email from him. An email that I never imagined receiving from him. He says he is not happy. He doesn't understand why he feels the way he does. He has everything that anyone could ask for. A great job, a loving wife, friends and family but for some reason he's not happy. He says he loves his work and success but it turned him selfish but not in a badway but simply too selfish to be married. He wants to do so many things but he says I'm not included. He wants to wake up happy, he wants to explore things, he doesn't want to worry about bills, anyone or anything. Just himself. He said he doesn't want to lose me but doesn't want to continue hurting me by all of his negativity and uncertainty in life. He said he is willing to put my feelings first than his but in turn he's suffering inside.

I honestly don't know what to do right now. I do want to help him but I don't think I can. It hurts to know that the person you love and chose to spend the rest of your life with is slowly slipping away and there's nothing you can do but let him.

[450donn]

Isn't it amazing how material things do not make a person happy. In my opinion you have fallen into the trap many are/have faced. Money and greed! You two need to sit down together and decide what is most important in your lives. Greed and money or family. If it is family, then while working toward that end get some professional help.

[donf]

Marriage should not end because you gained weight.

His not wanting you is symptomatic of other things. For example is the affair still continuing on even though he denies it.

Sitting and talking to him will help, but only if he is honest with you. If he says there is nothing wrong, challenge him. He might think you are dumber than a rock, but I seriously doubt that. Women see and sense so much more that us guys even know about.

[kp2171]

I think marriage can take a hell of a lot of work to make it work. I've been married 8 years, ten together...

The ONLY thing I know is this... you both are finally talking about what needs to be talked about. It happens. Its easy to get in a rut. Been there myself.

So... what's next? Well... he isn't happy. As a man who went through a rough spot of depression several years ago, I can tell you, sometimes it isn't about you.

And then again, sometimes it is about being in the "wrong" relationship.

Divorce? I think that's premature.

I think you need at least some further communication. Maybe counseling (ive had it... it SUCKS to admit you need help, but feels GREAT to get it) or at most, a separation.

You have done the right thing... and he has actually responded fairly "well" for the situation, even if it isn't what you wanted to hear.

You both want more than this.

That is OK.

You both don't know what that means... together? Apart? You don't know yet.

Counseling is a way to get to the "end" faster... whatever that end is... together? Apart? Separated? Divorced? It's a way to enable another to help you really face reality.

I would tell him "i want to be happy and fulfulled. i want you to be happy and fulfilled. i think we might benefit from talking to someone who can help us understand what that means, even if it means we arent together. i love you and i believe you love me. but we need to work together to find out what is next"...

I've loved a woman who I just couldn't be with. I loved her, but we were not right, no matter how much I loved her. I've also loved a woman dearly whom I needed to be with, but I got in my own way, made my own obstacles.

I can't tell you what's going on in his head. He might not be able to tell you.

I can say I am glad you confronted him, even if it means your world is turned upside down. Its time to address this.

If he isn't interested in seeking professional help, look at gary chapman's line of books... in some of his books he takes a hard christian slant that might not fit all, but I honestly admire his approach to relationships... he has helped me in mine.

I'm sorry you are in this place. I'm glad you came for help. And I'm very happy he addressed this issue immediately. Its good news, no matter the outcome. It means he is needing to talk to you, needing to work with you... and it is my experience that men don't easily ask for help.

He needs it. You need it. Time to take the next step.

[imperial_love]

Thank you for all of that insight and all the suggestions.

As I struggled with words to what to say in reply, I couldn't do it. I didn't know what to say. Tonight, we will surely talk about all of this and I honestly don't know what to say to him. I do appreciate him being honest with me but I am simply so scared to lose him. I know we need help. We did talk about counseling before. It has always been yea yea we'll make it work.. we'll do this but we always end up not doing anything and tend to forget until someone has the courage to say something is wrong again..

I will make sure that this time though and if he's willing- we will go through counseling and seek Him. You see I don't believe in divorce, I don't want to get a divorce. I made a commitment to him when we got married through think and thin. I just pray and hope that it doesn't end up that way.

[kp2171]

I'm lock in step with you.

I believe what you believe.

I also know what I believe isn't always the reality.

All you can do is all you can do.

This is the time to do the most you can.

If he doesn't respond in kind... if it doesn't work out... you KNOW yo did your part.

And that's the only thing that ever keeps me up at night... did I do my share?