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angcast82 · Nov 20, 2008, 04:04 PM

Hello, My ex-boyfriend and I have a 2yr old boy. He usually takes my son to his girlfriends place 4 nights a week since my job requires me to work extremely early hours. I work from 4a.m. to 2p.m. and pick up my son right after from daycare. His father then picks him up around 7p.m. We then split the weekends according to our schedule.

This has worked out pretty good, till recently. He just decided he wants full custody of my son. Can he take my boy away from me? Do I need to hire a lawyer? He has decided to take me to court. He is a very unstable man and has anger management issues. He has had 3 jobs in the last two years (will that help me in court?) He lives with his GF now, does not have his own apt. Has bad habits as well. I consider myself to be the better parent. I don't smoke or drink, have my own place. I have also been employed for the same company for over 6 years. He has him medically insured, but I help pay half of everything (daycare, clothing, food, medicine, doc visits etc.) Should I be concerned?

ScottGem · Nov 20, 2008, 04:49 PM

First lets get some terms defined. Custody comes in two flavors, legal and physical. Legal custody means being considered the child's legal parent and having a say in how the child has been raised. Physical custody means having the child living with you. Visitation refers to the right of the non-custodial parent to spend time with the child.

From your description it sounds like you have pretty close to equal physical custody. So much so, that its hard to determine who is the custodial parent and is the NCP. You also don't indicate whether the current arrangement is by court order or just mutual agreement. Or whether there is any support paid or ordered.

So we need more info to be accurate in our advice.

But from what you are saying, I can't see a court changing the current arrangement. They might change or specify who the custodial and non-custodial parents are. Generally the mother will be the custodial parent unless proven unfit.

Frankly, I wouldn't bring up the anger mgmt issues. If it's that bad, then why do you allow him to take the child 4 days a week and weekends? You can't have it both ways.

You might score points on the stability issues. If he has an attorney then you need one. Otherwise you stand a good chance of losing.

Is there a reason he is giving for wanting to change the arrangement?

angcast82 · Nov 20, 2008, 05:17 PM

Tahnk you for your response. Nothing has been court ordered. We have verbally agreed to the arrangements. A year ago I was going to take him to court but I changed my mind. I thought we as the adults that we are, would reach an agreement. He doesn't pay any child support since I figured I can't collect it since we equally divide the expenses or can I?

He changed his mind due to his girlfriend, who is tutoring him in taking full visitation/custody so that they don't have to deal with me. They basically want me out of the picture. He is a fantastic dad, but he sort of loses his temper when I don't agree to his change of plans. I by no means want to take his son away from him. I believe my boy needs his father in his life, but I will not allow him to take him away from me either. That's why I wanted to know if there is any way he is able to winn full custody over me, his mother.

asking · Nov 20, 2008, 05:30 PM

angcast82,
I highly recommend that you consult a lawyer.

I agree with most of what Scott said, but I don't agree with his remark about the anger problems. Anger is most likely your ex's way of getting his way. He may be a great dad now, but as his son gets older, he may begin to treat him the way he treats you. (That's what my ex did with our kids.)

Don't assume this latest move is all the current girlfriend's fault. He is likely playing you off against one another and she may be playing a role that he wants in an effort to stay on his good side. I also feel that it's understandable that you have agreed to this 50:50 agreement despite the anger problems, given that your son has seemed safe and you have unusual hours. It would be difficult to get child care for those hours.

It is unlikely that the dad could take your son away, but it is not totally impossible, depending on your circumstances and whether your ex or others are willing to lie about you or exaggerate any defects you have. I have met two perfectly nice women who have lost a son to a wealthy and determined father.

So please consult an attorney. Many will talk to you for free for a few minutes, so shop around until you find a good one. At the least, pay for an hour of the attorney's time so you know your rights.

Alternatively, many counties offer free family legal services. Look into what is available. Even if you keep the same arrangement, it would be better to have a clear agreement between you.

Justwantfair · Nov 20, 2008, 05:34 PM

The court like status quo, they don't like too many changes where young children are involved. I am still fighting for my daughter I had custody, we were fighting for custody, I was working third shift and I almost lost custody because a majority of her overnights were at her dad's even though there were concerns with his environment. While I understood at 3 it was OK to have her there I was cutting myself sort for stating there were issues at that house. I would start looking for another job and contact an attorney.

stinawords · Nov 20, 2008, 05:46 PM

If you want to win you will have to look for another job and get a lawyer. The way it appears to me is that if a judge had to rule who was the cp and who was the ncp the father in this case has a good chance of being deemed the cp. This is because he has more time from 7pm to when he drops him off at daycare and everyother weekend. That means you only have him for five hours a day! I don't see a judge rulling in your favor even if you do bring up the anger issues that you see because you have agreed to it for a year now and have been happy with it. You will be hard pressed to win custody unless you have a different job or at least a change in shift that you can show the child will be cared for during all of your work hours.

ScottGem · Nov 20, 2008, 06:12 PM

If the girlfriend thinks she will get you "out of picture" she hasn't a clue. It is, however, possible that he may be designated the custodial parent for the reasons stinawords stated.

At this point he is talking. To get what he wants means going to court and that means spending money. So I would let him know you will fight him if he tries to change the current arrangement. Then wait until he actually files. At that point you need to consult an attorney.

asking · Nov 20, 2008, 06:59 PM

I agree with all the above.

Also, bringing up the anger issues can hurt you in some courts, as the judge may believe you are just making it up to hurt the father's case. This is unfortunate, but a consideration. Local family law attorneys would likely know which judges are likely to think that. So if you do end up in court, think twice about raising the issue unless you can document his behavior.