[Middlechild]

For the last 10 years I have dealth with and overcome depression which stemed from my relationship with my dad who mentally abused me over the years. Recently my older sister told me that he hit both her and my other sister and I witnessed it constantly from when I was aged 5 to 10 years old. I cannot remember any of this and can recall few childhood memories when I was that age. I think I have blocked all of it from my memory. How do I unblock the memories so that I can heal and continue with my life and leave my dad and his anger behind?

[Fr_Chuck]

First I am not sure you have to remember it to heal, and even if you don't forgive him, you still learn to live your life and move on.

But if you just want to "try" since not all memories can be brought back since they are too painful, you may wish to find a professional mental health professional who will work with various methods to help you get your life back in order.

It is not forgiving your father, it is not remembering more bad things that is important it is moving on with your life and having a full life.

[J_9]

I agree with the answer you have been given already. My sister has a "blocked" memory from childhood, (she is a middle child also) although nothing bad happened to her. Best thing you can do, in her opinion, is move on from here and make every new day count. Make the best of the good things you can remember.

If you feel it necessary to remember bad "blocked" memories, you will need to seek professional help, but be prepared to find things in the past that you may not want to know.

Sometimes it is best to just go on and live the life you have now to the fullest.

[31pumpkin]

I do think you should seek professional counseling for your problem.

I am an R.N. for 20+ yrs. So it is my obligation to state that, especially for you, in the 1st place.
Now, in layman's terms I'll tell you why I feel you should have counseling. You mentioned you want to leave "your fathers" anger behind. That is important because for some reason I think abusive treatment from a parent produces an unhealthy anger in the children. You need to know what is not your fault and what in your life is in your control.
I had an experience (actually my brother also did) when I was 18 that put me in shock for years. I had the best professional counseling but the "pros" did not ask "how I felt about my father's murder suicide with my mother". They gave me "reality therapy". In other words, they helped me to function (or helped me deal with the present & plan for the future) There was no dealing with such devastating feelings at the time. Which worked for me. Some feelings have filtered through throughout the years when I was emotionally stronger to handle them.
However, there was not any abuse & there was not any anger at all!
In your case, I have seen other families where the children had had direct negative effects & relationships because of anger from their childhood.
So I say, it is always helpful to get therapy.

[valinors_sorrow]

Middlechild, I have had many hours of professional help to overcome some stuff from my past (see my thread under "Introductions" for details if you like). I too have holes in my memory and the therapist I trust the most said that forgetting is a way we self-protect psychologically, so its not so wise to go digging, especially alone. Having said that, I can also tell you that while in therapy, I have experienced a spontaneous resurfacing of some of them too.

The issues I had were dealt with regardless of my ability to remember everything. Some issues healed quickly, some slowly, some I am still dealing with today - someone here once made the analogy of the onion which is exactly what this is like.

I have now forgiven everyone who did me harm and I can't say emphatically enough how very very liberating that was. And it took work, with and without a professional. Also I have learned how to work with sick people effectively so that I don't harm them and I don't let them harm me, another very freeing experience.

If you feel a need to pursue this, then by all means do. I am a big advocate of professional help. They put the quality back in my life so that I am able to live, laugh and love rather than just survive.

[orange]

I agree with what everyone has said. I would like to add however, that you should make sure the professional you go to see for counselling / therapy really is a professional, has experience dealing with trauma patients and blocked memories, and behaves appropriately. A friend of mine had a very bad experience with a therapist who was unethical. Here's a good article about choosing a therapist, what to expect at the first meeting, etc:

http://www.metanoia.org/choose/gethelp11.htm

If you feel uncomfortable or simply don't like the person who is to be your therapist, move on if at all possible! Trust your instincts. When I was in therapy, I saw 3 different people before finding the counselor that was right for me. Good luck!

[CinnamonBrownie]

Hi,

You said you're interested in unblocking memories.

Of course the first thing you might want to consider is counseling, if there's a way you can get access to that. I realize it can be expensive if you're paying cash out of pocket, though.

Here's one way to help, and I'm taking a risk here by posting something different than a normal type of reply, is with Bach Flower Remedies.

The one I have in mind for you is Star of Bethlehem. Star of Bethlehem is *the* remedy for "shock" experiences, whether physical or emotional, regardless of how long ago the shock(s) occurred.

I have personal experience with this remedy, and I just can't recommend it highly enough. There's a great book called "New Bach Flower Therapies" by Dietmar Kramer that I hope you check out (sometimes your local library will have it). That's the absolute best book on this sort of thing (and Star of Bethlehem use) I've ever read.

I hope that helps. :cool: