[echoplanar]

My wife and I have been married for 4.5 yrs and have an 18 month old son. On the whole, I would say that I am very happy. However, my wife likes to "vent" her anger to me about things at work. After these "venting" sessions my wife says she feels better. The problem is that I feel totally stressed out afterwards. I used to try to listen carefully and sometimes try to offer some creative solution to the "problem of the day." That strategy has not worked because she is just interested in "venting," not having a constructive conversation, so all my suggestions are immediately shot down and nothing at her work ever changes. (To me, the things she is upset about sound like the usual workplace frictions that everyone has to deal with. So far, however, I have not dared to tell her that directly.)

The last thing that I want when I walk in the door in the evening is to be the recipient of all the negativity she has been building up all day. I dread coming home everyday. Sometimes I go to Starbucks and sit and read for a while after work so that I can have some peace before going home to all the negativity.

I want to be a supportive spouse, but I feel that she is just offloading all her negativity to me. She feels better and I'm the one who is getting depressed...

By the way, I have stresses in my job as well which I mostly try to leave at the office.

Anyone have any advice/suggestions?

[andydall]

Lol, that's a common problem..
If your wife is so comfortable venting to u, it is a good thing, but tell her that you don't feel that you can help her... and although venting may help, solving the problems would help more. If she would go to a therapist, she could express her thoughts and get some relaxation stratagies, you could even go with her if it made her feel more comfortable. Its not fair for her to upt all her stress on u, but if you don't tell her how you feel its no ones fault but your own.

[xxariesxx]

Does it seem like she can't stop confessing these thoughts to you? Like she will be miserable or cannot help but keep telling you all of these issues, like she's compelled to do it? Are these things she can't stop thinking about or worrying or being stressed about, no matter what you tell her however many times?
I guess I'm asking because it sounds familiar to myself and the relationships I've had. I have OCD, which means that even if a small thing is bothering me I have to say something, I'm compelled to do it no matter how irrational it is. It doesn't matter how many times I'm told it's all right, I feel relieved temporarily, but then I start thinking about it again; it's like a broken record. It drives the people I get close to crazy, but I can't help it.

I know that's a pretty drastic scenario, I'm not saying it's that, just that it sounds familiar and could be a possibility. Like the above poster, it is really common to vent out on someone. I just don't know if she can't help that she's taking it too far.

Otherwise have you talked to her about how much it bothers you she always has something bothering her? That you feel really brought down by her issues, and that while you care about her, it's difficult to deal with all of the negativity? I think that just talking with her about this, really talking, perhaps seeing a marriage counselor, would be really beneficial.

I hope everything works out well for you both

[450donn]

Try and think of it this way. Men have everything placed in a box. When we come home from work all we want to do is go to our "nothing box". Women on the other hand are wired differently and need to interact, to play out and to talk about things. You have a classic case of mis-communication.

[echoplanar]

Cheers from Starbucks. What did we do before WiFi?

Thank you all for your time and interest in helping me work this problem out. I really appreciate your insights. I appreciate the comment on the differences between how men and women think and communicate. I think that in my situation the balance between her communication needs and mine is way off. I also think that you are right that the only solution is simply to explain my feelings directly to her and try to come to some compromise.

I also appreciate the comment on OCD. She is definitely a perfectionist, which , I imagine, would predispose her to some OCD-like behavior. I don't think that is what is going on here, but I hadn't considered this angle, and will be on the lookout for any other clues to suggest that this might be the problem.

[KBC]

You might also look at this site,it might just make the change your looking for happen for you.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

Sincerely,

KBC

[Fr_Chuck]

First I see a problem, whe she started venting, you believed at some point it was your job to "solve" the problem, it is not your job, she is merely wanting you to listen, not do anything.

But as a man, you feel you have to find a solution and "DO" something

She just wants you to listen, but you get upset since she is not wantnig to listen to your "help"

So you listen ( at least sorta) and let her vent, if not honestly, she will find some other shoulder to listen at some point.

[frangipanis]

Maybe you could suggest she keep a diary or put her thoughts on a tape recorder that you would be happy to pay close attention with her once or twice a week. Tell her you would prefer quality time for yourself and each other, rather than always talking about problems.

I don't agree that all women like to vent when they get home from work. I like to go to the gym and 'hit the treadmill' or go for a swim that normally puts things back into perspective.

[NowWhat]

My husband and I had this problem. We both go in to "fix it" mode and most of the time we just need to vent. So, we would drive each other crazy when we offered up a solution. All we both really wanted to do was to get it off our chest - talk to someone that was on OUR side.

You are actually pretty lucky. Your wife sees you as her soft place to land (as she should) . You are the person she wants to tell her secrets to.
She is not asking you to take on or shoulder her problems, she is asking you to listen. Maybe, just maybe - when she is done venting - you could tell her about your day.

When your wife stops talking to you - you should be worried. You NEVER want to shut down those lines of communication. She NEEDS to vent - for her once she has - she can move on and enjoy you and your family.
Instead of absorbing the negativity, try listening and then giving her a big kiss, hug and then tell her that she is home now and can enjoy the rest of her night. Then, you do the same thing.

Again, you are LUCKY! The person she wants to share her day with is YOU - no one else. And that is exactly the way it should be.

[donf]

My wife is from Scottish/Italian, comes from NY City area and she was in the Marines.

When my lady starts venting I pay serious attention up to the point where I can be sure it has nothing to do with me. Once I'm sure I'm the innocent listener, I just let it enter and exit my head while I contemplate the last Giant's football game and the next one coming.

Its harmless, let her vent and then hold her close.

[achampio21]

WOW! I think I do the same thing to my husband!! Only I complain about all the work HE does and how he is never home. He works 40 to 60 hours a week and we just recently acquired a rental and a "new" used vehicle that needs like ALL of his attention. I, as the dutiful wife, gripe and complain about ALL of it. Then he gets mad and we end up arguing. He recently told me "I think sometimes you think I can fix everything and do it all in about 20 minutes and still have all kinds of energy to spend with you and the kids and do it all with a smile on my face." When I get home I am spent and just want to rest, then I have to go check on the house and fix any problems at our house or on our cars. When I sit down I just want some veg time (I think it was referred previously as in the box :p)

Him telling me that made me realize how much he has on his mind. And that I have been EXTREMELY selfish. So I have quit hounding him aout me me me and have tried to make things easier on him. And you know what I get all my anger, aggression, whatever out by the time he gets home by doing extra work around the house.

Hope that helps some. Maybe you could try a similar speech.

[frangipanis]

WOW! I think I do the same thing to my husband!!! Only I complain about all the work HE does and how he is never home. He works 40 to 60 hours a week and we just recently acquired a rental and a "new" used vehicle that needs like ALL of his attention. I, as the dutiful wife, gripe and complain about ALL of it. Then he gets mad and we end up arguing. He recently told me "I think sometimes you think I can fix everything and do it all in about 20 minutes and still have all kinds of energy to spend with you and the kids and do it all with a smile on my face." When I get home I am spent and just want to rest, then I have to go check on the house and fix any problems at our house or on our cars. When I sit down I just want some veg time (I think it was reffered previously as in the box :p)

Him telling me that made me realize how much he has on his mind. And that I have been EXTREMELY selfish. So I have quit hounding him aout me me me and have tried to make things easier on him. And you know what I get all my anger, aggression, whatever out by the time he gets home by doing extra work around the house.

Hope that helps some. Maybe you could try a similar speech.

That's the same speech I got from my boyfriend only we don't live together. Sometimes he feels as if everyone thinks he's Mr FixIt lol! I try to limit how much actual complaining I do... sometimes you can't help it, but I hate it when someone is negative all the time. We don't have a toddler though, which I guess would make a huge difference.

[spitvenom]

My fiancée vents to me about work and I just listen. I wait for her to say what do you think about that and I usually just say yeah it sucks but it happens at every office.

If she is getting to negative I will stop her and say you need a cup of chamomile tea. So I get up and make her the tea which usually buys me some time for her to calm down. Once the tea is ready I give it to her and say you left off at so and so surfing the internet all day. Then she says oh yeah continues to vent but Once she is done drinking the chamomile she doesn't care anymore. Then it's my turn to bore her with useless sports facts.

[echoplanar]

Thanks for your responses, especially the one about setting boundaries and protecting oneself. I found that very helpful.

I tried to keep my initial post brief. I left some details out because I was not sure if they are relevant or not. I am still not sure, but thought maybe they'd add to the picture.

My wife and I are both physicians. She works about 30 hrs/wk and I work about 60 hrs/wk on average. We have arranged our work schedule such that one of us is home with our son about 85% of the time. For the times that neither one of us can be there, a lady from our church comes to our home and takes care of him. The result of this arrangement is that we have about three evenings together each week and one weekend together as a family each month. Obviously, there are times when we will go 3-5 days in a row without having an evening with all three of us together at home. To me, this is not enough time together as a family, but we do it because it allows us each to spend more time with our son than we would be able to otherwise. In some ways I find it amazing that the son of two full time physicians has never had a nanny or been to daycare. I love spending this much time with him, but of course, it comes at a price. Again, I don't know if this information is relevant or not to this discussion. Maybe it demonstrates the fact that our time together as a family is really at a premium.

When I was young, my friend's mom had a poster on their wall at home that said something like “give me the will to change the things I can, the patience to withstand the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference” (or something along those lines). I thought it was corny then, and I still do, but looking back I think that did have some impact on my thinking. I try to solve the problems I can, to seek help to solve the problems I cannot solve myself and try to forget about the things that cannot be solved. I guess what most of you are writing is that this is a “problem” (some say a blessing) with no “solution”, so I should consider myself lucky and not worry about it anymore (or even be grateful for it). That reasoning is attractive and I am going to try to apply it to my own life. I only wish that my wife could also learn to forget about the problems at work that she cannot solve as well.

[KBC]

The poster probably said the Serenity prayer.

God,grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

KBC

[frangipanis]

My father always kept that prayer in his home.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

[echoplanar]

Yes, the Serenity Prayer, exactly. Thanks.

[frangipanis]

Hi echoplanar, seeing each other two or three times a week wouldn't be so bad, but are you and your wife content only being together once a month as a family? I'm just wondering, as it seems so little time together as a couple and as a family, and would put pressure on both of you to make those moments precious as well as getting to share how you're both doing.

If when you manage to have time with your wife and you're feeling overwhelmed by her negativity, that really can't be much fun.

[achampio21]

Ok, I know I may not be much help on this topic but I wanted to add that my husband and I do the same schedule thing. He works days mon-sat 10 hour shifts and I work nights mon-fri 8 hour shifts. I go to work right after he gets home and we see each other on Saturday nights (which is spent doing errands) and sundays. I agree it sucks, and you have to get your venting, your list of to-do's and did do's and love-making and child caring and family time to fit in those few wee hours and manage to sleep at some point. But I can offer this one little bit of advice, when I get crabby my husband will come up to me grab me and start kissing me all over. At first I am irritated because he isn't listening but then I give in and we either end up laughing and kissing or making love and let me tell you, orgasms are the BEST stress reliever. So is laughing. So try to tickle her or make love to her. She will resist at first but keep trying and hopefully you will both end up laughing or (hope this isn't too much) screaming "don't stop"!!

At any rate GOOD LUCK> true love will always prevail!!

[talaniman]

Let her vent, it makes her feel better.