[susy]

I'm 10 months married, and my marriage turned out completely different from what I expected. I always argue with my husband, and I feel that he doesn't care about me. I'm a college student of 20 years old, and I'm on vacations. These days were terrible for me because I am all day in home taking care of my 6 month old baby. My husband keeps sleeping until 2pm, and when he wakes up, he goes to work even tough he enters at 3:30pm, and his way to work takes 30 minutes. I feel that he doesn't care about me. This marriage thing is becoming a horrible experience. One thing I really worry about is that he always gets out of work at10 or 11 pm. However, he almost always is in home at 2 or 3 AM ( the latest he came was at 5 Am). I feel really bad, and I'm stressed and depressed. I don't spend time with him at all. I'm bored everyday, and it seems that he doesn't care about it. I don't know what to do. We are currently seeing a couple therapist, but it seems that it doesn't work. What should I do?

[fredg]

Hi,
At 20 yrs old, you have a lot to experience in life. Being married for 10 months isn't a long time at all. I am 64, married for the second time now for 29 yrs. (1st marriage ended in divorce after 7 yrs).
You said you are going to a counselor, but it isn't helping. I do think you probably made a mistake in getting married. Your husband isn't ready for it either. Marriage requires communication, respect, and wanting the other to be happy. It takes work a lot of work.
Have you talked with a Lawyer? Find out your options.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[valinors_sorrow]

Its hard not to wonder about a few things here before forming a full impression. Here are a few simple questions:

1. Does your husband explain why he leaves early for work?
2. Does he tell you where he has been after work?
3. Does the therapist know about this - his leaving early and staying out after?
4. How long have you been seeing the therapist?
5. Does the therapist know you are not getting relief, and if so what did the therapist say about that?

One thing you might want to look (it stuck out a bit to me) is you describe yourself as a college student (and this part is implied) who happens to be married with a baby.

It may shift your perspective to something more workable if you defined yourself as a wife and mother who also attends classes. Just a thought?

[talaniman]

When I was 20 I was rowdy immature hellion, player and party animal, Just like everyone else I knew. What makes you think that a 20 year old man is going to just sit around and change diapers just because you want him to. And like VAL says how come this therapist hasn't shed any light on this problem in your relationship and it would be interesting to see the other side of this story. From what you have posted maybe you need something to occupy your time when school is out. You both are young and inexperienced so be patient , talk nicely to each other and grow in love together.:cool: ;)

[Chery]

OK, here's the picture I get, and please correct me if I'm wrong..

** putting myself in your shoes for a minute..**

The "I" is you..

I'm 20 years old, was a student, met you, got pregnant, and 'probably' got married because of the pregnancy, not because I was head over heals in love with you. To top that off, I'm not really sure why you married me, but I think it was because you felt obligated to.

When we got married, it was not a real 'special' day for me, because it was stressful, probably not all the people there were people I was really interested in or ever expected to share this day with.

We didn't really have a honeymoon due to either financial reasons or other obligations that had to be taken care of, such as class, job, family, etc. So, it was just another busy week and we just wanted to get it over with.

Our so-called wedding and subsequent time was spent with you going though your days the way you usually do, and I went through stress of being pregnant, setting up a 'nest', going to the doctor, not really knowing what to expect, missing my classes and my friends.

During this time, I was a little envious of your days and felt that it was all on me to go through these major changes on my own.

Since we didn't really plan this baby, we did not talk about the changes we'd both have to look forward to, and I didn't see you making any effort to share the special moments when the baby was active in my tummy, and you practically ignored and sometimes even avoided being with me throughout the pregnancy. So, I felt that you were not interested in the progress, or interested in me anymore. It was just another 'thing' in life to bear and get over with, there was not much excitement about the pregancy or birth. At least, it's not what I thought, from seeing other couples all happy and excited..

We probably did not talk about the future much either, just taking each day as it comes, going though the motions, and not knowing, or caring how this will (or should) bond us. I felt you distancing yourself, but was too deep in self-pity to care to talk to you about it. I also expected you to notice this on your own, but knew you probably would not notice or care.

In other words, this was a new and unplanned state of life that we had to accept, no matter how frustrating, and neither one of us took steps to share our fears, doubts, or even joys of what this could mean for us.

Since neither one of us really communicated, and we just let this situation keep on as is, even if I did think I love you - it's now gone and I feel that you've let me down. I don't even remember what I saw in you in the first place. Since you really did not sweep me off my feet, as was my dream of marriage, you've burst my 'bubble' and it leaves me disappointed. It sorrows me to no end to think that I'm stuck with this life, with no great outlook for the future, being stuck with the baby - you not helping.

When we go to the therapist, we don't express much because both of us believe this is not going to change, no matter what we say. And if I express my frustration, I'm scared that you'll get upset and leave me and the baby - making it even harder on me. So, our fear of conflict and rejection is preventing us from really working at this relationship.

** Wow, that was an experience - you can have your shoes back now..**
.... and remember, please correct me if I'm wrong....

You are not alone in this, you just have to communicate and trust that your husband is also an adult, has doubts, feels helpless, and that you both need some help in sorting things out.

So, when you next see the therapist, start making him/her earn their pay and be upfront. You've not much more to loose other than a rocky relationship. Think, what do you want - a family, or a life as single parents that grew apart before they even had a chance.

Good luck, dear.. and please keep us posted.


The initial dream you had is gone... it should not, however, prevent you from having new dreams and new goals to reach!

[Fr_Chuck]

Being married is never what people think it is, it is boring, it is angry, it is happy all in the same 10 minute period, You can't say anything right half the time,

There is all to often this idea that some level of romance, the knight on the horse level will last every day.

But real life hits in about 1 month, each of you have to work out all sorts of problems.

First he is most likely not used to having to answer where or what he does.
Now he has to, you have to call him on the carpet and demand to know where he is going, and tell him to come home. That staying out late is why he is sleeping so late.

Next it is hard for you to be on a day schedule and him a evening schedule, you are not seeing each other a lot either.

Does he watch the baby during the day while you are at school, if no, why not, his baby also,

[shunned]

I see the "not what I expected" as a flag. People often go into a marriage with expectations and they are mostly not realised, so you are not alone here.What we expect from marriage and what occurs are very different and it's this point that makes people unhappy.
Other posters have made good comments on this, so nothing I can add except this observation.

[valinors_sorrow]

If Chery got an 80% (good call, Chery!! ) then it sounds like you both have done some damage to the relationship with silent assumptions/expectations, lack of communication and playing the blame game. If he doesn't want to talk to you right now, let him be. More focus on you. If he were here I would say the same thing to him... more focus on you. That way you stay off his case and he stays off your case. Work honestly and diligently with your therapist.

[talaniman]

Thanks Susy, for responding see if this makes sense

susy agrees: very nice ilustration, you are %80 accurate. He says he loves me, but I think he loves me less than before. He is like a zomby ( he doesn't communicate with me. I have to start the talk, and he just replies yes or no. He was not like that before. )

When he says he loves you what is it that makes you think he loves you less? Do you think he's changed? When my first child was about to come into the world not only was I terrified, but didn't have a clue as to dealing with my new world. I suspect this is what's going on. As I see it he has a lot on his mind and let me tell you don't take his silence as condemnation of you ,but he just needs time to get it all together and he never will without your help. I can tell you after 32 years with the same mate you will go through many reality checks and the key is to communicate in an honest way and don't point blame. I still wonder what those therapy sessions have revealed.:cool:

[Chery]

"He was not like that before" - well, dear, neither were you. You didn't have the responsibility for another little person in your life before. You both did not have the responsibility of sharing your time, thoughts, and every-day life with another for 24/7. There is no 'space' that you can go to, to escape this new situation and it can be very hard at times. But, cheer up, we parents have all gone through times like this - and reeped the rewards for our hard work.

The key here, as we all suggest, is communication, support, and time. If he's not much of a talker right now, and you need to vent things, write them down in a journal and talk about them during your therapy sessions - together, with your hubby. Suggest he try and do the same so that you can understand him better. I think the most pressing issue is how he spends his time away from home. He should be able to justify his schedule, and make some suggestions as to how he thinks the time you have together should be spent. Remember, that it's not always what we say, but how we say it. So, try not to 'tell' him but 'suggest' other alternatives and ask him his opinion.

Good luck dear, stay with us, and we'll try our best to help you through the rough bumps that we all have been through.

[Chery]

I'm not allowed to rate any more today, but just have to give Fr_Chuck and Talaniman here a great big thumbs-up!

Chin up, Susy, your husband will grow to understand that he's going though changes too. That's what partners in life do, learn to grow together.

[Krs]

And how long has it been since you 2 spent quality time alone together?

[Krs]

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