[Lareyl]

I currently live in Virginia. In 2002, I made some bad choices and decisions that resulted in becoming homeless, jobless and carless. Subsequently, my then estranged husband went to court and took the kids from me. It started as a temporary order in May of 2002. In November of 2002 we were to go back to court and determine if the children still needed to live with their father.

I had obtained housing and a vehicle and had just begun a new job. On my way to the courthouse, my car broke down. I called the court to inform them and ask for a continuance since I did not have a lawyer or anyone representing me there. Instead, they handled everything without notifying me of what happened. My now ex-husband had been awarded permanent physical custody of the kids.

It is now 3.5 years later. For the past 2 years, my kids have been expressing (sometimes more emphatically than others) that they want to come back and live with me. They are 10 and 9. I had a third child in 2004 and then married my second husband shortly afterwards. My second husband abandoned us for another woman in February 2005. We are still legally married, but he now lives with his girlfriend. I do receive child support from him, but of course that is minimal and he does not make an effort to come and see his son at all.

I have a good job and a nice home. My car is old, but paid for. I struggle to make ends meet everyday and sometimes have to trade or barter to get things done that we need. I am thankful everyday for freecycle and goodwill.

I never received any support papers for my older two children. I called the courts to see if anything had been done, and was informed that my ex-husbands lawyer would be furnishing them. After almost a year of trying to contact him, to no avail, I gave up. I know that they have always had my addresses, because I get my children every weekend and on Thursday nights. There have been a few times that my ex has had to come and get them, so he always knows where I am.

In retrospect, I should have just gone down to the courthouse and demanded a copy. Back then it just didn't occur to me.

I handle 95% of the transportation costs and unless illness or some unforseen circumstance occurs, I pick up my children EVERY weekend for visitation. I have had them on my insurance for over 2 years now. I did this to help take care of the cost for the kids since I never received anything from the courts. My ex's mother is a hypochondriac and insists on rushing the kids to the doctor for the slightest sniffle and putting them on anti-biotics. That gets expensive. Between his insurance and mine, he should never have to pay a dime for medical bills. I also help with school supplies, provide winter coats, and when he notifies me - I try to help with field trip costs and other such things. No, I have never given him a check, money order or cash. I provide a completely separate household for the kids, where they have their own rooms, (my oldest son shares with his half-brother) plenty of room to play and take care of all their needs as far as food, clothing, daycare and the like.

My ex lives with his mommy and daddy and they take care of most of his expenses. He has never lived on his own. Even when we were together, I ended up having to work third-shift in order to keep a roof over our heads.

Let me interject this... my ex isn't a horrible person. I know that he loves the kids and wants what is best for them. He visits them at school and has lunches with them, takes them to girl scouts, boy scouts and such. He isn't abusive towards them, that I know of. When he actually informs me of things going on for the kids, I make every effort to be there. Working and living where I do, I cannot make it to every function, and that bothers me. I feel like I am missing out.

We do not agree on anything in regards to raising the kids. For example, I want to raise the kids exposing them to various religious practices in order for them to learn tolerance and understanding for all faiths no matter what they personally believe. He wants to raise them in a bible-thumping, everyone else is going to burn in hell, (and yes, he has told the kids I would for not being christian) for not believing that way.

We currently live in two separate counties, so shared custody is not an option. I have filed for physical custody to be restored to me and am currently awaited a court date.

Now, to the problem. I just received paperwork last night from child support enforcement that I owe $6895 in back child support and they were going to be posting it on my credit! I don't begrudge child support, it has definitely helped me to get those little things I need for my baby. What I am shocked by is that after all this time, why am I just now hearing about this? I cannot afford to pay that. :eek:

I filed for custody because I am concerned about several things. One, my ex works third shift. That in and of itself isn't a bad thing, been there done that. But he never knows what his hours are going to be or when he might get called in. He might go in at 8:00pm or might not go in until 1:00am. And the hours that he gets off vary depending on his start time. He only gets one guaranteed weekend off per month, his other days are scattered throughout the week. Because he works nights, he has to sleep during the day. During the school year, not a problem. But during the summer, he ships them off to camps so that he won't have to worry about taking care of them. There have been several instances, and by several I mean almost weekly, where when I have gone to pick up the kids, he has had to go and find them. Literally. They would be off down the street somewhere, and sometimes, he has had to knock on doors to find them.
:confused:

A year and a half ago, this happened; and something I find abhorrent happened. My daughter went into one of the neighbors houses with her little friend and they were going to sit down and watch a movie. Remember, her dad doesn't know where she is. Instead of a kid movie, a porn pops up on the screen and the kids are stunned. I still do not know how much she actually saw, but her dad took her to see a counselor. :mad:

My son has gotten into several fights with the bullies down the street, they are allowed to tear up his toys with no recriminations. My ex's response, just don't go down there anymore.

My children's grades have been systematically slipping over the course of this last semester. My son went from getting one 'N' in homework effort for math to only getting one or two 'S' in the whole report card. He has been using foul language in school and even threatened some little girl. My son claimed that he and some of his friends were playing army and he thought she was playing too. :rolleyes:

My kids hate their school, don't like how cloying their grandmother is, and don't like where they are living.

My daughter's 'room' is the spare room. Her grandmother goes in there to watch TV because she doesn't have one in her room. The family computer station is in there, so people traipse in and out all the time.

My son's 'room' is shared with his father. They sleep in bunk beds. When my son throws his stuff on the top bunk, his dad sleeps on the couch.

There isn't any real discipline either.

He books up their weeks with scouts, flag corp, baseball, church stuff and whatever else he can come up with so that when I get them for visitation, I spend the entire weekend running them from one function to another that he has signed them up for. I do not get to plan anything for us due to this. And he will usually tell me the night I pick them up. I haven't said anything before because the kids seemed to want to do these things, and I didn't want to deny them the opportunities.

My ex, when he started his job 5 years ago, started making more than I do now. He claims that he can't make it on his own. He has a new girlfriend, who has two kids of her own, that I believe he is trying to move out with. The girlfriend, from what I understand, is nice and treats the kids well. I do not have any issues with her so far except how she tends to act like their mother in front of me.

I was taking care of myself, my second husband, and my three kids making quite a bit less than I do now. I am not sure why my ex thinks he can't take care of himself and the two kids on quite a bit more. He doesn't have to buy diapers! :p

I am not perfect, and many days, I am lucky if I can get to work and home again. Money is tight, as it is for everyone, and I am afraid that a judge will tell me that I am not good enough.

Essentially, I am looking for advice. Do I stand a real chance of getting custody back? Am I really going to have to get another job in order to pay back that money? What should I avoid bringing up and what should I make a point of exposing? I cannot afford a lawyer (still paying the one I hired to help with my youngest son's custody in a different county) so I have to do this on my own. I love my children and feel like I can give them a more well-rounded environment where they can expand their horizons and figure out who they are as people. I am afraid that if they remain where they are, they will either become selfish self-serving brats, or become so stifled from the grandmother that they will be unable to face the real world. Much like their father. I have lived in that house before and remember well what it felt like.

Any advice that can be offered would be appreciated.

[Lareyl]

Update****

We were ordered into mediation that we attended July 20th. It was a waste of time. After belittling me and my concerns; he proceeded to just write down whatever 'dirt' I had on him and then said he was keeping custody and there was nothing to discuss.

So now, we go to court.

I could really use some thoughts here. Suggestions? Encouragement? Please?

Lareyl

[SherronAtkinson]

Hello. I am in the same situation. I gave up coustdy of my children to my ex. This was years ago. Now they are 15 and 13. They are being mentally abused by him and his girlfriend. I am getting a lawer to try to get them back. I know what you mean about the lying. My ex does the same. I hope the courts does you children right. Wish you for you the best outcome. Thanks