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cvam07 · Oct 27, 2008, 08:33 PM

I have been with a man that I love for 5 years so far. After about 2 years of dating, and living together I mentioned to him that I wanted direction of where our relationship was going and if he wanted to marry me. I explained the importance of my family values and that it was very important for me to be married before I had children and he said yes he understood. Years went by and I was waiting for a proposal and nothing happened. Although he said yes one day we'll get married. I wanted to start a family so badly and thought that everything would fall into place. After speaking to him numerous times about having a baby which he said yes to, we had a planned pregnancy and I got pregnant ,so on Christmas day he was ecstatic to my surprise, again when I asked him about marriage he said , we would do it later... I had a beautiful baby girl who is now 14 months old and the joy of my life. He will never talk about marriage to me , and I feel like he lied to me, and led me on. I also feel that just because I have a baby w/ him that he thinks there is no reason to get married. ( in my eyes that's very backwards) its not exactly the family setting I grew up in or used to and even my parents are wondering why we aren't married. I don't doubt he loves me , but I doubt how much now.I recently got laid off from my job and I am studying to finish school in one year. He is now helping to support me financially (70/30% split) But now that I have so much resentment even if he was going to propose to me, I feel that I was lied to and that its too late to fix things if my feelings were not thought of in the first place. So now I just feel like I want to leave him in the next 2 years after I am financially stable. He is not good at communicating, or else I don't think I would be on this forum. I want to have another child in 3-4 years, but again I do not want to throw oil in the fire, if I am already cofused about the present situation. He has a natural nature of thinking that if we don't talk about it, it won't exist. I am confused and my heart hurts hard... please advise...

talaniman · Oct 27, 2008, 09:23 PM

He didn't bring this situation along by himself, you went along with it, believing he would marry you. The backward part was not waiting for the actions behind the words. The backward part was not waiting to get married before starting your family.

I think your best course of action would be telling him marriage, or your out. Because you want more children. That would be fair, and honest, and may stop the confusion.

cvam07 · Oct 28, 2008, 08:29 AM

THank you for your response.. your right I did go along with it. Which I guess is part my fault, I am angry at myself for it. But I will try to talk to him when I am ready. Thank you for your advice.

Romefalls19 · Oct 28, 2008, 09:20 AM

I agree with Tal completely but would also like to add that your thinking about staying with him for 2 more years until you are finacially stable is childish and immature. You either end it now or work it out, you don't plan to leave at a time that you are okay with because you have the money then. That's the only problem I have with your thinking.

liz28 · Oct 28, 2008, 12:41 PM

He already show you're his actions on getting married. It shouldn't come as a surprise. Why not let him bring up the subject instead of you. Is him not marrying you a bother to you or only a bother to you because of what others think? You stating communication is lacking from your relationship so why not work on that. Then address everything else.

Side note: Don't ever put your values on hold for no one. If you saw he was dragging on about marriage and you value kids before marriage then you should have stuck to your guns. You probably thought having a child will make him marry you and you see that didn't go as planned. If after 5 years nothing changed then most likely it isn't. Now if you feel this relationship is worth staying without married than stay but know it hard to find a good guy so think about what you have. If you stay than work on your relationship.

cvam07 · Oct 28, 2008, 08:46 PM

Thank you again, for your response, I did not add that he is a good father ( he also has a 14 year old son , who I am close with and lives with us) He helps me with chores as much as he can. But I feel unappreciated and I do all of the wifely things: cook, clean help with homework as well as make my daughter a priority on a daily basis. I know he is a good man and they are hard to find, I know I am a good woman to him and hard to find also. I am just really afraid to talk to him about how I feel. And I know I shouldn't because it is my life that I am sharing with him. I don't feel valued. When 2 people are together, if one wants to get married and the other one loves them, usually the other person will just do it; no? I think I value marriage as a level of love . And as you said LIZ8, I think I do think about what other people think. It's a complex of mine.

cvam07 · Dec 27, 2008, 08:17 PM

It's been a while, But I have decided to let him know how I feel soon. I think that its important for my partner to know that I resent him for not sharing his REAL feelings with me. I feel that I always have to initiate convrsations on life when it comes to marriage and plaaning our daughter's birth. But I have given it some time and still realize that I think everyday about how he avoids these importnant conversations with me . If a man knows his woman loved him and wanted to make a commitment, they usually make the commitment or split. And I feel very confused staying in a relationship with a man that does not want to marry me and takes me for granted but yet still, says he can't sleep a wink when I go on a 2 week vacation. Does anybody not see my point? ANd the messy part is that we have a daughter together who we both love to death. :confused:

talaniman · Dec 28, 2008, 07:00 AM

But I have given it some time and still realize that I think everyday about how he avoids these importnant conversations with me

Ever ask why he doesn't talk to you??

Broken_Shadow · Dec 28, 2008, 03:31 PM

Some part of your relationship problem I can relate to and know what your going tru. I've always said.. "u truely don't know what someone is going tru unless you experience it yourself"... Sometimes you mind is telling you to leave that you deserve better and your heart tells you the opposite. I am not sure but having a baby with someone its so much attachment that's so hard to just ignore and pretending like everything is OK when its not. I posted my story - tell me what you think
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...im-296432.html