[mcrunner]

Hi... I have a lot of things on my mind. I'd just like some people to talk to to maybe clear some stuff up or just be there for emotional support. Things haven't been the best for me lately and some not so great things have happened to me. I'm really confused about a lot of things and think talking to other people might help. Most of it has to do with sexual abuse, if you can even call it that. I just don't know. Maybe if I knew what it was classified as, I might be able to accept it and get over it. Whoever is willing to listen to my stories, you're help is greatly welcome.

[BlackVY]

We are all here to listen, and will help if we can, so go ahead if you are up for it. No pressure

[Ash123]

Yes, we're here to talk. This is 100% confidential and anonymous.

[mcrunner]

Ok, so... here's one of my stories, the one I'm most confused about.
Over the summer I was on vacation and started hanging out with some people I met by the pool. Most of them were around my age, both girls and guys. The uncle of some of them was also there. We hung out all day and into the night. The uncle offered me a beer at around 3 or so in the afternoon, and I continued drinking throughout the day and night. Every time I finished I was handed another. After about 3 am everything gets really blurry and there is one period that is totally blank... which may have been the most important point of the night. One minute I was in the bathroom, the next I was alone with the uncle (age 49) in his bedroom and we were kissing. My memory is in and out from here on out, but we ended up having sex. I left around 6 am when everyone was sleeping and went back to my room. I never actually said no, but I don't remember much of the night either. I don't really know what to think about it. I'm 20 by the way. So any insight would be helpful. I'm so confused :-\

[spyderglass]

Yes, if he took advantage of you.

[BlackVY]

I'd say it was, because it was done without consent and you were under the influence, so you had no idea what was going on, but you said you didn't say no, which does raise a point the uncle could argue

[asking]

What a creep that man was. I don't know much about rape law, and I suspect he would argue it was consensual, especially as you are over 18. But I think he planned to get you drunk and do that to you. It is not your fault, but you would have been in a better position to fend him off if you had refused the drinks. I would call it a rape, but don't know what a lawyer would call it.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. How have you been feeling?

[mcrunner]

I've just been feeling really confuesed ever since this happened. I know I definitely would not have agreed to this if I had been sobor. My ex-boyfriend keeps saying that it's not entirely my fault, but I am partially to blame because I drank too much around people I didn't know. I do understand that this was not a smart thing to do, and put me in a vulnerable state, but he still had no right to do what he did, though I still can't help but blame myself sometimes. Then when I start to think it was my fault I feel like a complete whore. I mean, I slept with someone older than my dad, and that just makes me feel awful.

Another thing is, after the uncle was done, and said he could no longer continue, I guess I still wanted to go on. (I talked to the uncle the next morning to try to fill in some of the blank parts of my memory.) One of his nephews was passed out on the couch right next to the bed, so he woke him up and said that he needed to get up and have sex with me right now because he could no longer do it. Reluctantly the nephew got up, but he was really confused as to what was going on. The uncle just kept yelling at him, telling him he needed to sleep with me because he couldn't anymore. So the nephew, I think he was 18, and I ended up having sex too. This just added to my feelings of worthlessness and confusion. I felt so used...

[asking]

I hope you are not assuming they are telling you the truth. Don't accept anything they tell you as an accurate account of what happened. They know what rape is and have every reason to give you a self serving account of what happened, especially knowing that you yourself can't remember most of it.

That's WHY the 49 year old gave you that first drink--and all the others. The purpose of the drinks was to incapacitate you so he could take advantage, leave you unable to remember what happened, and leave you feeling that it was partly your fault.

This was a premeditated rape. What happened between the uncle and his nephew is interesting. If what they say is even accurate, it sounds like the uncle was trying to incriminate the nephew so he wouldn't talk to his parents or others. Or else, they both just took advantage. This is really bad stuff either way.

This uncle--the adult--sounds abusive. He did not respect your boundaries, did not respect his nephew's (if their account is accurate). And the more you say, the creepier the man sounds. Please don't use words like whore anymore to describe yourself. They did not pay you, so you are not a prostitute. He/they just treated you like dirt. But that is on them, not on you.

I think you should go to a rape crisis center to find someone to talk this over with. They will be able to help you. Do you think you can find one in your area?

It's good to keep talking here too if it helps.

I'm so sorry this happened to you!

[mcrunner]

I think the nephew was more of a victim in this situation than a perpetrator. He was really upset at his uncle afterward. It's not like he knew what was going on before he was woken up, so I don't think it was to prevent him from telling people. It was a really inconsiderate of the uncle to put his own nephew in that situation. He basically forced him to have sex with me against his will. He not only took advantage of me, but of his nephew as well I think.

My memory is a bit blurry, and non-existent at some points. The only parts the uncle really needed to fill in were how I got in the bedroom in the first place (he said he just asked me if I wanted to go to bed... he said he meant to go to sleep though I highly doubt that), how we started kissing (he said I started kissing him... again I doubt that), whether we ended up having sex (he said yes... I believe this part because I have a vague memory of doing so and he really has no motive to lie about that part). Pretty much other than that I know what happened, but the details are really blurry.

One thing I remember that sticks out a lot was after everything was over, the nephew had left (his uncle left us alone for a bit after forcing his nephew on me) and the uncle came back in... and he just looked at me and started yelling at me. He told me to get out and that I was a little whore. I immediately began to cry my eyes out and curled into a ball on the bed. Then realizing he had upset me he came over and tried consoling me, saying he didn't mean it and he doesn't know why he said it. At the time I guess I believed him, but I was still upset, because I already felt bad enough for what had just happened. I only recently began to realize that this could have been rape. I was so out of it and it all just seemed to be my fault.

[asking]

It is not your fault. :( You showed bad judgement in accepting the drinks and not trying to get home earlier. But otherwise, you were used. It is common for women your age to be uncertain about situations like this. Too many of us learn the hard way not to trust ordinary men. Most rapists are just regular guys, not obvious villains.

The uncle probably shouted at you because he realized what he'd done, got scared and immediately blamed you. He hated you for what he'd done to you. That's how men like that operate. But what was in his mind is not your problem.

You seriously need to get support for this. My heart goes out to you. I am leaving for the weekend myself, but I hope you will search for a nearby crisis center, so you can talk to someone in person about this. Hopefully, some more people will come on this thread and give you support as well. There are many kind people here.

Take care.

[mcrunner]

Any thoughts or opinions are highly welcome. I'm still trying to get things straight in my head, and hearing what others think is really beneficial to me. I'm still emotionally hurting from what's happened. Talking about it helps a little though.

Thanks to those of you who have told me you're opinions about it. You have helped more than you probably even know.

[Nicote22]

Call the cops and have him locked up forever and a day! This is totally wrong... im sorry... get counseling

[EbonieBarbie]

This is definately unconsentuial sex because you were not in a proper conscious state of mind. Shame on him for being such a sleeze ball. I hope you overcome this because people like him are scum and are just disgusting.

[mcrunner]

I know in a way this wasn't my fault, but for some reason it still bothers me. It has changed how I think about myself. After this happened, I began to think of myself as a sexually promiscuous person and acted accordingly. This is not who I used to be at all, nor who I want to be today. I have difficulties saying no in sexual situations because I feel that it's just what is expected of me. I don't want people to look at me like I'm a whore, because I'm not. I'm ashamed about some of the things I've done, and it's eating at me inside. I've calmed down some, and am doing my best to act like the person I want to be, but I feel like I've changed as a person, and I don't like who I've become.

[Motley008]

You don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to. Who cares what people think.

Drinking is hard to control, especially at your age, and I know because I was in the same situation as you, where a guy I knew took advantage me when I was blacked out and didn't remember the night. I felt like it was my fault for drinking so much and that I couldn't do anything to him because it would just bring up the fact in public that I was a whore and any questions that could be asked of me I'd have to respond with 'i don't know' because I didn't have a clue what happened.

It made me feel wretched, guilty, and ashamed and that something was wrong with me and not the guy, because you keep thinking over and over that it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't had that last drink or two or three. But it is his fault because no MAN would ever attempt to have sex with a girl when she is hammered drunk if he had any sort of respect for himself.

It really does help to talk about it and I hope you can understand that it isn't your fault. Of course it's going to bother you, it probably will make you cringe or feel sick to your stomach every time you think about it, but you can get over that and look forward.

You shouldn't ever feel like you can't say NO in a sexual situation. Like I said before, it doesn't matter what people think or 'expect', no one should ever expect anything.

My advice is to try to reduce drinking or drink only around close friends who will look out for you, and surround yourself with these people who will keep your mind off it. Keep busy and focus on other things so you're not getting that 'eaten up inside' feeling all the time when you think about it. If you need to talk to a counselor, it would probably help because they are there to listen, or just talk to your friends about your feelings and concerns. And feel free to keep talking here about any feelings, concerns or questions, because it does help knowing other people have been in a similar situation and it can make you feel better.

[asking]

It is easy to understand that a rape would change how you think about yourself. Your boundaries have been violated, as if you don't own yourself.

You are still coping with a life changing experience. But you have the strength within yourself to change back again to the person you really are, hopefully stronger. I definitely agree that you CAN and must say no to things you don't want, whatever they are. That's key to getting yourself back, establishing your boundaries.

When someone presses you and you feel like you can't say no, what feelings do you have? Why do you feel like you can't say no?

[kraussnumber2]

HI! Im so sorry to hear about your situation. And as others have said it is NOT your fault. First of all you are a minor (if in the us) when it comes to alcohol. That will be a big part in prosecuting them. When they say consentual sex you have to be in an appropriate physical and mental state to give consent to sex. Therefore if you are drunk and blacking out it can't be considered consentual.
I would definitely go after the uncle and include providing alcohol to a minor in the case. As far as the nephew you have to decide how you feel about it... you said that you feel he is more of a victim. I would say that he could have said no to the sex... or asked you if you wanted him to have sex with you but that enters into the mental and physical state you were in. I would say that you should go after him too. And if he feels that he was forced into having sex with you he can prosecute the uncle for his personnal gain as well as any settlement that was awarded to you from the nephew if the court feels he was forced into it and make the uncle pay it all.

as far as you and how you are doing right now... I would say to either seek out a rape crisis center as others have posted OR if you are uncomfortable facing someone like that then call a rape hotline. They will help you emotionally and help you clarify any concerns you have over whether or not it was rape and can probably tell you what legal actions can be taken. But make sure you talk to someone! Either on here or a friend, parent, pastor, youth pastor, teacher, counselor or whoever else. Preferably someone around your age or older... like don't expose your little sister/brother to this yet till things calm down and you figure things out.

just so you know I was sexually abused as a young kid and I still struggle with it years later mostly because I never told an adult and I feel like he got away with it and could be hurting his new little niece. I have recently been thinking that all of my depression and anxiety, self mutilation and panic attacks, as well as a low self confidence and esteem may all be attributed to what I experienced years ago and if I would have just told someone back then I might not have suffered so much throughout my life.

If you want to talk on the phone to a random person who doesn't know you I would be more then willing to listen and talk with you. Im only 21 so Im about your age so we could probably relate.
Good luck with everything and I hope things start getting better... which they will after you start talking to someone!

[asking]

mcrunner, I really hope you take kraussnumber2's advice and contact a rape crisis center. KN makes several really important points. You need to work through this one way or another. That doesn't mean obsessing about it every minute, but a rape crisis center would know how to help you sort this out.

When someone makes you feel helpless, it makes you feel depressed. The antidote to depression is acting on your own behalf. So I hope you will do that and reach out to people who can really help.

[cyberoh]

Hi, ^^
First, I am sorry to hear your story... and hope you can get over this as soon as possible.
There is no point of thinking over spilled water.

Yes, and I can understand the guilt you may feel right now.

OK, let's start with hard part. First, you are 20 years old. You are no longer underaged kid who needs the protection from your parents or indulge in underaged protection law. (Well, it depends on where you live and what kind of protection law they apply to a certain age)

You are a proud adult who has the rights to hang out freely with no time restriction, who has the rights to drink beers and other alcohols and who has the rights to get into intimate relationship providing you are responsible for your action.

You CAN call this event as intolerable rape but he can call this just a mere fun. It's up to you. It's your words Against his (that nincomput UNCLE guy). You CAN ignore this incident, you CAN sue him OR you can screw that bastard's life (Don't tell me how because I would turn into evil when it comes to avenging someone for their ill manner).

The most important thing is would any of these methods will actually HELP YOU? Ask yourself this question. Also, if it's not about helping you but it's all about giving that UNCLE guy a lesson to remember for the rest his life, THEN GO FOR IT. Again, would that avenge help you?

People make mistakes in their life because we are NEVER perfect. Whatever that mistake is, CAN YOU OVERCOME this? Some will just ignore because they think that's not a big deal BUT some will take it seriously and will go for certain means of measurement.

And you? What about you? What would you do? Don't just sit there and worry this & that, trying to figure out whether that was a rape or not. This incident is over and it is a part of your life history. If only there was a 'delete' button, life would be so easy. But you CAN do something to ease your pain.

Over all, I think that UNCLE guy knew what he was doing. He gave you drinks, got you drunk, with no resistance function when you were drunk except for 'Yes master', he got what he planned for. Without your conscious agreement. That is a silent RAPE. Like you said, if you were in clear mind, you would never allow this thing to happen. But he knew that, so he had no choice to use this method to make you drunk.

Do something. At least make yourself proud & respected. Do NOT let anyone like that two-tongued, smake-like sly UNCLE to look down on you. ^^