[questionaire]

I am 23 and my husband is 24. We dated off and on for 4 years before marrying. In the past my husband has been emotionally abusive and has caused me to sacrifice my dreams and beliefs to make him happy. He's put friends before me in the past and put me in the position where I've been publicly made the fool and he's looked like "the man."I married a man that cheated many times while we were dating. I can't forgive him. I resent him and the marriage. I feel trapped and unhappy. We have been married for a year and a half and have never had sex. I only married him because I thought it was the right thing to do. We had oral sex a few times before marriage and because of my personal beliefs I felt marriage would rectify that. Its hard for me to accept that my husband has been with other woman. I don't know how to get passed it. He's the first guy I have ever been with and my first real relationship. In the past he cheated because I wasn't willing to have sex before marriage. But now that we are married I can't be intimate with someone that's done what he's done. I just can't understand how he could do a person who just wanted to love and be there for him that way. Since getting married he's done a 180 he hasn't cheated is very devoted and constantly asks for my forgiveness. But its not enough. When ever he talks to friends or ex girlfriends from the past it immediately makes me sad and makes me feel like he doesn't care. I feel like his ex girl friends have gotten a part of him that I will never have. I even feel a little left out. But more sad than anything. We constantly have disagreements because I can't get pass the past. When I think about his past mistakes what he does presently just can't make up for me feeling like a fool. Sometimes the things he's done feel like they just happened yesterday. I don't know what to do. Help!! I feel lost.

[hollylovesbrandon]

Of course you feel lost honey. The man treated you like crap... just because he's better now doesn't make him a "changed man." But also, if you couldn't get past the past you two had then why did you marry him in the first place? And also, anyone trapped in a loveless (a.k.a. sexless marriage) is going to feel these feelings. You feel not wanted or needed. You feel taken for granted. You feel left out and walked over. May I ask why you aren't having sex? Do you initiate it and he turns you down or vice versa?

A year and a half of no sex will cause anyone to be a little testy. Maybe the man really does want to change. But even if he does change you won't be able to get past everything from before. I think you two need to enter counseling. Not only will it quell your fears about the past, but it may also help the intimacy issues. You two need to do something now in order to save this marriage. If you want to save it, that is.

[questionaire]

of course you feel lost honey. The man treated you like crap...just because he's better now doesn't make him a "changed man." But also, if you couldn't get past the past you two had then why did you marry him in the first place? And also, anyone trapped in a loveless (a.k.a. sexless marriage) is going to feel these feelings. You feel not wanted or needed. You feel taken for granted. You feel left out and walked over. May I ask why you aren't having sex? Do you initiate it and he turns you down or vice versa?

A year and a half of no sex will cause anyone to be a little testy. Maybe the man really does want to change. But even if he does change you won't be able to get past everything from before. I think you two need to enter counseling. Not only will it quell your fears about the past, but it may also help the intimacy issues. You two need to do something now in order to save this marriage. If you want to save it, that is.

Thank you so much for your response its greatly appreciated. He initiates and I turn him down.

[hollylovesbrandon]

I think that if you two were more intimate then he might respond more to you. And intimate doesn't necessarily mean having to have sex or "do the deed" as you may call it. It could mean snuggling by the fire place and having more conversation and going off for a weekend. Just getting away automatically puts the romance back in the marriage. Make that the special place where you have sex for the first time. And make it the loving kind of sex. Once you get closer physically then the emotional part should fall into place. If things can't seem to work themselves out on their own, you should seek a relationship counselor. Since you are married and have NEVER had sex, obviously something has been wrong from the start... and since he's the one initiating, I sense that the problem is with you and your all's past. Once you get past that, then the emotional things should fall into place. And honey, if you don't start taking him up on his offers of intimacy, then I'm afraid the past may repeat itself. He may start going out to find his pleasure. I think you need to do some serious work on this relationship.

[EbonieBarbie]

I can relate to you a little. My husband actually cheated the whole time and I found out on the day we got married abnout the other woman because she confronted both of us. We have been married just over a year and have not seen each other but have communicated. We have not had sex since we were married because I cannot get past the cheating. I think he continued to see her after I left the next day after we got msarried. He always wants to get together and be intimate and loving but I don't seem to be able to get over any of the lies and cheating. I am starting to resent him and it has caused Major problems in our marriage. The worst part is that because of my values and beliefs I cannot leave him or I would be an adultress to marry while he is alive. The Bible and God are the only things keeping me sane. I know it is hard and I never thought someone has been in a similar situation. It is going to be a daily struggle but keep God first and it will all work out in the end. Goodluck Sweetie. By the way I a 24 and my husband is 36.

[questionaire]

I can relate to you a little. My husband actually cheated the whole time and I found out on the day we got married abnout the other woman because she confronted both of us. We have been married just over a year and have not seen each other but have communicated. We have not had sex since we were married because I cannot get past the cheating. I think he continued to see her after I left the next day after we got msarried. He always wants to get together and be intimate and loving but I don't seem to be able to get over any of the lies and cheating. I am starting to resent him and it has caused Major problems in our marriage. The worst part is that because of my values and beliefs I cannot leave him or I would be an adultress to marry while he is alive. The Bible and God are the only things keeping me sane. I know it is hard and I never thought someone has been in a similiar situation. It is going to be a daily struggle but keep God first and it will all work out in the end. Goodluck Sweetie. By the way I a 24 and my husband is 36.

Thank you and God bless!

[talaniman]

You need some counseling, with or without your husband!!

You need guidance through the healing process.

[nsb]

I think you should give him ONE chance as he is asking it and start your married life with a open mind.At the same time let him know that once you have lost trust its difficult to make up but you wish to make an attempt so its going to take time.Tell him "Dont let me down again or I wouldn't be able to trust you ever"

[Denmol]

I have a similar problem and also need help. I cheated on my wife before we got married and she found out. I confessed and told her all the truth and stopped all that crap. I have completely changed now and feel very sorry for all I did and I know she did not deserve what I did to her. I'm doing the best for her out of love and to show that I care. She is still haunted by this cheating that I did and says that every time she sees me she's reminded of all those memories of cheating. We've been married for a year and half now, still going strong and loving but she claims to be struggling deep inside and cannot enjoy the marriage. Prior to our marriage we consulted a counsellor who did a good job and my wife felt confident that she can handle all the hurt and damage that my cheating did. But now she says she feels like her heart has been deeply pierced by huge sharp knife. I feel like I can reverse al what I did and start afresh.

[Terry14us]

I am 44 years old - married for 18 years - and still can not get over it. Leave now! The only thing keeping me in the relationship is my kids. When they get out of High School we will split up. I wish I would have followed by logical heart back when I was younger.