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Casey15 · Oct 21, 2008, 09:52 AM

Could someone please help me. My husband and I had a baby 3 months ago and he started acting really weird towards me. Every time I asked him what was wrong he would tell me nothing. So I decided to pull his cell phone records and look at them. Boy do I wish I hadn't done that. I found that he had been talking to his ex-wife a lot, and this is a women who left him and his kids for another man. And there has been a point where she went over 6 months and didn't have any contact with her kids. He claims that he does not love her and has no feelings for her what's ever. He claims that when we had our baby that he didn't think I wanted him any more, and I never paid him any attetition. I just can't understand why he would be talking to her like this, for example I leave the house at 6 in the morning and one of the txt messages was sent to her at like 6:05. But he claims he loves me and wants to be with me. I NEED HELP PLEASE...

talaniman · Oct 21, 2008, 10:45 AM

How long have you been married, and how long have you known each other??

Casey15 · Oct 21, 2008, 11:00 AM

We've been married for 4 years.

Bonnie46 · Oct 21, 2008, 11:13 AM

You really need to sit him down and talk to him alone without the baby around. He's confused and frustrated and wants attention. You're tired and overwhelmed and have to give 110% all the time to your child. You have no time to yourself either. He needs to hear from you how wonderful, but also stressful and draining your life has become, now that your are a mother and caretaker of a small infant. If he's withdrawing (sleeping A LOT, or unnaturally angry) - he could be depressed.

Did he want to have children? Is he used to always being the center-of-attention? Did you dote on him frequently, before your baby was born? Some new fathers become threatened, when a child enters the dynamic. Can you tell him, that you're trying your best, but that you need his help, because you are overwhelmed? Would you feel comfortable asking him to join in and help - so that he can feel as though he's part of this and contributing to your family unit? Once the baby is on some sort of routine (closer to a year old), you will have more time to spend with your husband again.

I'm sorry that this is happening. Sometimes life isn't fair and it just plain sucks.

What does your gut tell you? (i.e. is he cheating or just searching for some attention?)

Casey15 · Oct 21, 2008, 11:22 AM

Yes he wanted to have the baby. He's the one that was pushing me to get pregnant. But yes he is use to being the center of attetion. And I feel like I shouldn't have to ask him to help me I feel like he should want to help. But maybe I need to try asking.

He was only txting her, he says he never saw her and never had intetions on seeing her. But I just don't understand all of this. I feel like such a failure.

Bonnie46 · Oct 21, 2008, 11:25 AM

Hang in there. This is tough, and I'm sure your mind is racing with hurt, anger, sadness and confusion. Stop. Take a few deep breaths and regroup. Your baby needs you to be in top form mentally. Stay as calm and rational as you can.

Ask or tell your husband you need to schedule a good hour or two to sit down and TALK. Press him to communicate what he wants and needs. Don't yell or question at first, just listen. When it's your turn to talk - do so. If it's uncomfortable or he refuses to listen, you could write him a long letter instead. He needs to know how you interpret your own situation, and what feelings you are experiencing. i.e.. ) "I feel humiliated - as though you have betrayed my trust by texting your ex-wife. I feel alone and vulnerable. I am to the point of tears, I am so physically tired. I have no time for myself to think, and really need your help. I am depending on you to be proactive with the baby, and cover ground where I have missed something - like put on a load of laundry, while I change a diaper." (that sort of thing... )

Casey15 · Oct 21, 2008, 11:31 AM

Do you think he still loves her and has feelings for her?

Bonnie46 · Oct 21, 2008, 11:36 AM

I have no idea. I'm not in his head, and I've never met him.

You have to trust your gut. What did YOU think about HIS feelings towards his Ex-wife when you two were dating?

Casey15 · Oct 21, 2008, 11:39 AM

He didn't like her at all, I mean he pretty much hated her. But I guess now I'm questioning did he hate her so bad because she left him and the kids for someone else, and is he just trying to get her back or what. I really don't know what my gut tells me I'm just so confussed. How will I ever trust him again?

talaniman · Oct 21, 2008, 12:05 PM

Your adjusting to having a baby (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and he is adjusting to being around a child ,who takes all your attention, and YOU, who are healing, and need his support.

This can be a great time for you all, if you can draw him into the routine, and support each other. Patients and love will do more than assumptions and suspicions.