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skinny_me · Jun 2, 2006, 04:53 PM

Hi All,

My name is Iris. I am new to the forum but am at my wits end here. I have lived very happily with my husband and 2 daughters for the past 10 years. Fights were rare and quickly over when they did happen. All of our friends have commented on how we never fight and when we did they were "good" fights. Well that all ended when my mother in law moved a mile away from another state in December. Now my husband and I cannot talk about breakfast without a huge argument ensuing becoming quickly personal and hurtful. It is now starting to happen in front of the children.

Well, we are not very religious people but are very spiritual and believe in the basics of Christianity. It's the whole "holier than though judgemental church but give us all your money thing" that we don't agree with. So we teach our children about God and Jesus and the bible. I am vehemently against teaching my children this religion as it is fundamentally against everything I know and do not want to confuse them. In fact, my daughter, was saved through a medical procedure that this religion prohibits and my mil has made no secret to the fact that I have doomed my child by not letting her die instead of getting this procedure done.

My mother in law is a in religion which contradicts almost everything that we have taught our children. (my husband was not raised in this religion) Recently, my daughter has been referring to God in the same manner that my m-i-l does. Before December, my husband and I would have been able to talk about this and resolved it amicably. Now, I am not so sure. I'm not sure what to do without adding fuel to the fire or running away with my children.

I am not against religion, just against hypocrisy... this religion is also quite controversial and I do not want my children ostracized in school for it as well.

Is there anyone here who has dealt with this or have any words of wisdom?

Sorry for the long post, just don't know what else to do.

Thanks!
I -

CaptainForest · Jun 2, 2006, 05:43 PM

Talk with your m-i-l and tell her to stop this.

Tell her if she doesn't, she won't get to see the kids anymore.

You must put you foot down or you will lose control of the situation.

valinors_sorrow · Jun 2, 2006, 06:01 PM

Your husband is the key to this. He is the one in the middle, torn between a wife and a mother. It is his lack of decision that lets the mil's argument in the door of his house, your house, your kids house. But opposing a parent, even when you are an adult, can be a difficult thing to face.

Having said that, I walked those same coals of emotional fire long before I met my husband. And to a degree he did to in respect to his family too. So we both knew not to let either of our families have much "clout" when it came to our relationship. When we removed their ability to meddle, they removed themselves from our lives, starting with our wedding of all places!

Like the blessing in Fiddler On The Roof the rabbi offers for the tsar ("God bless and keep the tsar.... far away from us!") we have learned to love our respective families from a distance. And that's with mine living quite long distance and his less than fives minutes away. Your husband will need to travel a similar path and risk a similar outcome.

Offer him this sort of perspective, that you understand he may face a similar outcome and that you will be sad with him, should it come to that. Help him realise that there is only one side to be on, his own, with you and the kid along side of him. Help him gently. It may cost him a parent in the worst possible way.

Thanks for posting and I sincerely hopes this helps.

skinny_me · Jun 3, 2006, 06:53 AM

Thank you Captain Forest and Val for your insight. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one that has gone through this. I will have to be strong and stand my ground. It is a wonderful life that we have created together and it is up to us to defend our happy way. I think it is important for children to have loving relationships with their grandparents, but it is also important that our lives be respected.

Thank you for your help!

I -

Fr_Chuck · Jun 3, 2006, 09:55 AM

Please believe you are far from the only one, with my mother, my wife's mother inlaw, there are religious and race issues of all kinds, in our 8 years of marriage my wife and son has been to her house 3 times ( one time was when my father passed)

I call her on the phone every day but will just hang up nicely ( normally) when she starts her rant about race or religion.

fredg · Jun 4, 2006, 06:07 AM

Hi, Skinny,
You have some good answers.
At 64 yrs old, married 29 years to a wonderful woman, we went through some of the same, years ago, before my mom-in-law passed away.
There is also a very, very good comedy movie on TV now, called "Monster-in-law"!!
Have you and your husband considered going to a Marriage Counselor, together?
He is the one who will have to "contain" his Mother. The only thing you can do is to stand up against her, be truthful, and tell her to "butt out".
It's really between you and your husband; and if he is going to tell his Mother the same. It's unfortunate that she moved so close by; but you and he has to settle this; before it endangers your marriage.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

s_cianci · Jun 17, 2006, 06:30 AM

From the tone of your post it doesn't sound like this "religion" involves a mainstream denomination with solid, Biblical values. You haven't made it entirely clear just what your mother-in-law's role has been in creating this conflict which has evidently recently affected your marriage. You mention that in the past "your husband and you would have been able to talk about it and resolve it amicably. Now, you are not so sure." What brought that change about all of a sudden? It's hard to answer your question without knowing some of the more fundamental details of this conflict but it sounds as if you need to take a stand with both your mother-in-law and your husband and make it clear to both of them that this belief system is not acceptable to you and that you have no intention of subjecting your child to it. I have a feeling that your husband would probably back you up on this. Your mother-in-law, on the other hand, I'm not so sure about. If she doesn't like it, then that's her tough apples! Your child gets precedence over your mother-in-law. Hopefully your husband understands this as well.

aqua@home · Jun 17, 2006, 07:45 AM

I agree with most of what was said so far. S cianci brings up something I was thinking. What changed (I know your MIL moved) but what changed between you and your husband that things are so tense? I agree the children have precedence over your MIL. They should come first for both of you and if this is harmful to them them it has to stop. CaptainForest and Val said it best... tough love. Your MIL does not get to confuse and disturb your family and if she is she should not be allowed to see the children. That is your right as a parent. You are not punishing her or doing it to be mean but you cannot let your children be casualties. I think you are on the right track though, you (both of you) just have to stand up for yourself and your family. If you two don't, who will? I realize this may be hard because she is your MIL but that does not mean that she should be able to abuse (for lack of a better word) the situation.