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parkplace236 · Oct 16, 2008, 08:17 PM

Its getting hard to breath anymore I can barely live with the memories they eat me up inside, I'm 28 an I was part of gang in my teen years. I drink everyday and its not getting any better. I've seen my own friends gunned down over stupid things. Your life changes the first time you see someone you know get hit right in front of your eyes, have your own friends blood on you. I can't sleep anymore because of the nightmares I relive that day constantly in my head. Old scars are starting to itch. I don't know how much longer I can't take being the only one on the outside everyone else is either locked up or dead. I don't know why I'm writing to this website but I need someone

mishelly3 · Oct 16, 2008, 09:07 PM

Iam so sorry for the pain you must feel, but why don't you turn your negative in to a positive why don't you work with the people talking about gangs to schools or talk to the police dept and see if you can help them since you hsve all that knowledge of gangs. I can only imagine the horrific memories you must have but the time is now to change time to talk about it with some one and get this monkey off your back, you can only live wiith this so long.. Go do something for a children so we can make sure they don't get involved in gangs like you. You are a living testament of what gang life can do for you...

Best of luck to you...

Fr_Chuck · Oct 16, 2008, 09:12 PM

You should be proud that you got out of that life style, ( assuming you have) but to be honest the drinking every day is not going to ever make anything better, that is another demon you need to address.

But it does not matter if it is in war, as a police officer seeing his partner shot down, there is a pain and suffering and a memory that we have to learn to deal with.

Many in this situation do turn their life to working with youth to keep them out of trouble, and more

spyderglass · Oct 16, 2008, 09:49 PM

You need some counseling. It sounds as if you are still grieving for your lost friend. I can't say that I've expierienced the same losses at you. Honestly, I don't know many who can. Taking that first step in leaving that life is a very brave thing to do. You just need some time to get adjusted to your new life. Maybe you should find something to do with your time to try to keep from thinking about it. I just want you to know I really respect your decision for leaving that life- and I hope you can eventually find your niche, where you really belong.

mishelly3 · Oct 17, 2008, 11:08 PM

I can only imagine th epain you must feel but you have to let it go... Please find some one to talk to I couldn't begin to understand the grief you must feel,but please let someone in your life to talk to please take a long breath and breath.. Ive thought about you a lot and I wish the best and my prayers are with you, you can overcome this..

parkplace236 · Oct 20, 2008, 07:13 PM

Originally Posted by mishelly3

I can only imagine th epain you must feel but you have to let it go... Please find some one to talk to i couldnt begin to understand the grief you must feel,but please let someone in your life to talk to please take a long breath and breath .. Ive thought about you alot and i wish the best and my prayers are with you, you can overcome this..

Thanks for the advice but I'm not one to talk to kids like I have something to teach people, I've made too many mistakes in my life, seen and done too much. The world has little room for people like me ill never get a descent job, have a beautiful family and even be able to raise them like I would want. The nightmares are worse now and so is the street. Another of us was picked up 2 days ago an is looking at life, and another was hit in a driveby this mornin, I don't know how much time I have left in this world and every day is like walking on glass constantly looking behind me. I've fallen and I can't turn back.

KBC · Oct 21, 2008, 05:14 AM

A book series I have been reading has stated a real good solution to many of the problems faced by quite a few people I know,including myself.

Don't concentrate on the problem, look for the solution.

If its raining do we need to concentrate on the fact of rain, or wear a raincoat?

By your posts, it sounds like you are still living in the same spot you are trying to forget.Is this something you want to do? And try to forgive yourself for the lifestyle you were leading?

At some point in our lives we need to make decisions that are extremely hard,making a change for the better,even it takes us from the comfort of the familiar to the new.

My suggestion, get the heck out of there,you can't stop thinking of the past while still living it every day!

A geographical change doesn't do all the healing, it requires you to forgive yourself as well.Are you willing to let the past be the past?Are you willing to allow yourself the necessary effort to look at a solution instead of the problem?

The short definition of insanity:To do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

How are you able to do something different, allowing the past to be the past, and move forward,while living in the very same place that your nightmares are spawned from?

I don't know where it is you live,but with all the places to be, why would anyone stay where it is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle, much less a safe place for a family to be raised?

I have past ghosts I wanted to be free of, it took many, many tries till I came up with a solution.

Drinking wasn't one of them.

Drugs weren't either.

Forgiving myself, and accepting my past as just that, my past.Moving to new places,trying new things, struggling with the changes made me more than I was,I grew,I was more than the sum of my past.

If you really want to be more than the badge of your old self,if you want to be more than a problem living in a problem, make the changes necessary to be more.

Stop dwelling in the problem,wallowing in the drinking stupor expecting it to be different,It'll only get worse,never better.Been there,done that.

Does this make sense to you?

If so let me know,

KBC

parkplace236 · Oct 21, 2008, 06:15 PM

Originally Posted by KBC

A book series I have been reading has stated a real good solution to many of the problems faced by quite a few people I know,including myself.

Don't concentrate on the problem, look for the solution.

If its raining do we need to concentrate on the fact of rain, or wear a raincoat?

By your posts, it sounds like you are still living in the same spot you are trying to forget.Is this something you want to do? and try to forgive yourself for the lifestyle you were leading?

At some point in our lives we need to make decisions that are extremely hard,making a change for the better,even it takes us from the comfort of the familiar to the new.

My suggestion, get the heck out of there,you can't stop thinking of the past while still living it each and every day!

A geographical change doesn't do all the healing, it requires you to forgive yourself as well.Are you willing to let the past be the past?Are you willing to allow yourself the necessary effort to look at a solution instead of the problem?

The short definition of insanity:To do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

How are you able to do something different, allowing the past to be the past, and move forward,while living in the very same place that your nightmares are spawned from?

I don't know where it is you live,but with all the places to be, why would anyone stay where it is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle, much less a safe place for a family to be raised?

I have past ghosts I wanted to be free of, it took many, many tries till I came up with a solution.

Drinking wasn't one of them.

Drugs weren't either.

Forgiving myself, and accepting my past as just that, my past.Moving to new places,trying new things, struggling with the changes made me more than I was,I grew,I was more than the sum of my past.

If you really want to be more than the badge of your old self,if you want to be more than a problem living in a problem, make the changes necessary to be more.

Stop dwelling in the problem,wallowing in the drinking stupor expecting it to be different,It'll only get worse,never better.Been there,done that.

Does this make sense to you?

If so let me know,

KBC

Its hard to move when you don't have the money an I can't leave here, my entire life is here and I can't move up and leave its not that simple if I leave one day and they find me ill be dead you can't leave your family