Check out some similar questions!

mignweld · Nov 26, 2008, 06:10 AM

Your right... talking makes the problem slowly disappear. Take this and put it in the closet of your mind the place where you know it won't bother you no more. Keep it from your heart. Lock it up... But get over it... Live happy, I am more than possitive some one else's is out there and your happiness will be so much more, and full of the respect and love you deserve... I am back at college on line now finishing up a degree in criminal Justice, have to ask myself would I have done this if I was still with her?? Proably not... Here is my tag you could go there and leave me a message when your blue, or your doing well. Talking to some one with the similar circumstances helps... and brings new friends also... Take care Dale Tagged - Dale B's Page

starbuck8 · Nov 26, 2008, 06:16 AM

Talk here as much as you want. It's better than wasting time with them. I understand. I've been there! A lot of us have been there. It is an indescribable pain, and the ultimate betrayal.

It is much better to come here to let your feelings out. Don't waste another minute of your life on them. In the end they still won't get it, and will only frustrate you, and keep you focused on their lives.

Dale B, I'm also sorry for what you are going through. But it helps to talk to others who know just what you are going through.

zeeniee · Nov 26, 2008, 07:00 AM

Dear all, thank you for your kind words and wisdom. I feel a bit better that I can talk. It is v hard, but yes I should not waste any more of mylife with such not so nice people, its hard as you remember them when it was all good.. I am glad I did not post that letter to her- go di felt like it, but I am so glad I stuck it here- words and thought by many have been good for my heart today- I am so drained and nackered and I need to get myself sorted.. I do get myself sorted and then just fall back like an idiot. I have to be strong and move on.. god knows how- maybe I should get amensia and forget the 9 years! That would be v nice... take care everyone and thank you so much for your words... at least now I know if they choose to come to singapore from the uk- I don't need to see them or deal with them- that is one relief I have today.

mignweld · Nov 26, 2008, 07:52 AM

Take care... Wish you well

starbuck8 · Nov 26, 2008, 08:19 AM

Originally Posted by zeeniee

dear all, thank you for yur kind words and wisdom. I feel a bit better that i can talk. Itis v hard, but yes i should not waste any more of mylife with such not so nice people, its hard as you remember them when it was all good..i am glad i did not post that letter to her- go di felt like it, but i am so glad i stuck it here- words and thought by many have been good for my heart today- i am so drained and nackered and i need to get myself sorted.. i do get myself sorted and then just fall back like an idiot. i have to be strong and move on.. god knows how- maybe i should get amensia and forget the 9 years! that would be v nice...take care everyone and thank you so much for your words...at least now i know if they choose to come to singapore from the uk- i dont need to see them or deal with them- that is one relief i have today.

You are not an idiot! Don't ever think that for a second. You are hurt, and rightly so. 9 yrs is a long time. Don't ever appologize or feel bad for how you feel. It's is after all, how you feel, and you are entitled to some recovery time. When you are betrayed after a relationship that has been so long, it's almost like going through a death. You go through all of the stages of grief. Let yourself go through them. You need to do that to heal yourself.

zeeniee · Nov 27, 2008, 06:02 AM

Hi, okay I have been on NC and it has been hard. I made life easy by sending his stuff back to the UK and then a few days later emailed his mum to let her know its arriving at her house ( I don't know where the ex is stayinng with his new girlfriend and some stuff belonged to us and the family - like photos etc). SO all this is done and I feel relieved as I know I don't need to see him in dec- maybe he will not come. Then a good friend of mine (and his) emails me to let me know that he is still coming to singapore with his girlfriend! - I responded that what he does, is his business not mine. I was asked if I would see him and I said no- I need my space and time to heal sorry and plus coming with his new girlfriend is a no no for me to meet. There is no pointto meet- he left ne for his girl and walked out just like that after 9 years. I don't get it- why come to SIngapore? Why not go anywhere else on this planet but here- he is not stupid -as he is arriving two days before new years eve which would have been our 9th anniversary.. I feel he is just playing games...
God what do I have to do now, apart from hibernate in my place...

talaniman · Nov 27, 2008, 07:24 AM

Enjoy your life without him of course, as you are fortunate, that his true colors came out, before you married him. Pretty obvious he was a cheater, so hard as it is on your emotions, you are free to pursue your own happiness, and may your blessings be many.

He is someone else's problem, so pray for her. For yourself, you have done the right thing.

zeeniee · Nov 27, 2008, 02:38 PM

Dear Talaniman,yes you are so right. I should live my life and be happy, I deserve that. IT will take time for my heart, but I am trying to understanding this mess with facts of events, rather than my heart. I realised this is the only way forward for me, it is the only way I can move on. I Deserve a real man, a honest one, one who has his own mind, and is independent and strong within himself. My ex, was weak, independent and had no boundaries- never had that line in front of him and so he is where he is today. As with the new girl friend- she must be his match as she pursued him, when she knew he was attached. The both deserve each other- some people say she will leave him and break his heart and some say it will be the other way round- honestly it does not matter. But you are right he is her problem now, not mine. If he comes to Singapore with her- he is one big fool and a idiot. At the end of the day , he will only show her what he lost- or should I say what opportunities he had with me... I think he has gone all with this new relationship as he got caught out red handed by me, and so now will go and pour his heart and soul to make this new relationship work, he has convinced himself he his happy etc- and will have to work a million times harder to make it work-good for him. I heard that he has already meet her parents etc... I am shocked on how quick he has moved and how quick he got over me- me was I nhis life for 9 years- I ask myself is this normal... moving on so quick? I presume he must be so so over me, maybe he never was into me, but just strung me along- how else can one move so quick, or he is v insecure and is planting himself down quick. The truth is he has not dealt with what he has done mentally- he feels what he did was fine! Oh my god! I hope he pays the price one day- he deserves it, as no one should mess with people's life and heart. I hope my days get better with time.

talaniman · Nov 27, 2008, 05:13 PM

I am trying to understanding this mess with facts of events, rather than my heart.

Understanding will come when healing has done its job and cleared your mind. Don't worry about it now, just cope with your emotions in a positive way.

zeeniee · Nov 27, 2008, 10:22 PM

ONE thing I have wondered about why is it thati am hurting so much, and why is it that it is taking me a while to even get over the shock etc when I compare it to my ex- who I caught cheating- it looks like he has moved on so quickly, has a new girlfriend who he left me for, one minute he was with me, the next he has already moved in with her, meeting her family etc.. How come he is not hurting or sad... 9 years is a long time, the few months leading to this discovery of him cheating, he never told me once if he had a change in heart, was sad, not sure... NOTHING... instead he told me he could not wait to get married etc...

BobbyVandeyar · Nov 27, 2008, 11:34 PM

Its one thing to say something as serious as marriage... its another to bs about it. Unfournately after 9 years, he doesn't care.

But your the better one in the end. Pat yourself on the back because you show yourself as a true person. There are a lot more people out there. So don't think this is the last. Enjoy life. That's the best thing you have. Your own freedom to live.

Wish you all the best in the future

zeeniee · Nov 29, 2008, 04:07 AM

Dear Talaniman and everyone, I need your advice yet again...
Okay- yesterday I got an email from my ex. He said he was sorry, and that he misses me truly as a friend and in he sees me now like a close family member for life . He said he does not ever what to loose me as a person; I am apparently his best friend. He said he wants me to be happy and be OK as he gets v sad when he knows I am sad. He said he wants to talk to me next week and will call me when he is alone.

How do I respond?

What do I know and understand of my feelings:
I do know he has not registered the effects of his actions to me, my heart and my life. I think he has brushed this off so lightly, yet it has had a huge effect on me and my life- god we were about to get married and he is acting like it's an every day nothing situation. I think it will take time for him to realise was he has done. I would like to express this to him and get it off my chest, as I feel he should know how is behavior etc is so out of line: do you think it is wise to?

I know I don't want to see him soon- like December. I know this is right as my head tells this and I feel it. When I feel something strong as this, I know I am making the right choice and this is want I want. I have no fear or sadness to tell him this straight.

Do I want to see him in the future? This is where I don't know.When I think of life without him totally, I freak out because my mind is like a battle field: on one hand I have the painful 2.5 months, on the other I have 9 years of happiness (overall). We at the time had good love and good friendship. I know I am not ready to answer or deal with this question right now… so do I have to answer it right now? Would it be better to answer it when I am ready to- i.e. when I feel it and when I have more time to myself to think about things and balance thinsg better?
I don't want to answer this- as what if in 6 months time I am in (a) moved on, happy etc and hearing from him once in a while turns out to be OK or (b) moved on, happy etc but it time I really dislike him….the truth is I really don't know which way I will feel.. what do I do? I ask this as I know he wants to be friends forever… what I have noticed, is this is what he wants… v v much..

What I have thought of saying is:
To express his actions and behavior in two parts (a) cheating (b) the way he handled this when he got caught.
To tell him I am over him.
To tell him I need space and NC for a good few months (6 months at least) so I can build a life without him, to feel the freedom and happiness for myself, which I am really looking forward to.
I don't want to say I have to heal and get over you- he is so full of it right now.
(He can use this time to think of what he did- I am sure as time goes by- what he did will come back to him and that penny might drop- would be nice if it's a ton of bricks)- You never know in 6 months time- he might have realized his actions more than ever (he could also become more thick- I know)…
And finally to tell him:
I can't see him in the near future, but one day I will, but not right now.

I would like to leave something open- purely to give me time for me to sort myself out.. The worse thing for me is to say I never want to see you- go and take a jump …and then 6 months later I regret it and realize my harsh words and decisions did me no favors and end up regretting it. Ideally it would be best to make these decisions when I am ready (I am a scientist and so I always think of a million scenarios and options before I act)

Your thoughts and advice would be most appreciated

Oh yes one more thing- I don't want him back as a husband to be. So this is all about a possible future friendship, and I will only consider it if I have had all the apologies, I feet right as a friend as I am v loyal to my friends and only if friendship is met half way like I have with all my friends- he gets no special treatment here…if he becomes a lousy friend- he will get the ax.. Hence I have asked the above questions- once I have worked this out and had that chat with him, I want to close this book tight and move on and think about me and me only. Gosh I can't believe I am saying me and me now ( I have been ready to many posts! ), I have never thought about me only before- it is so weird! When and if that time comes, then it comes, until then he will just have to wait or he can disappear- his choice.

I guess what I am thinking is I don't know right now if I can be his friend, but if that possibility comes then he will have to earn it- and I might accept it, I might not- that is something I don't want to ask myself now because I need to heal first and think of me and my life right now
Cheers for all your advices

talaniman · Nov 29, 2008, 06:46 AM

After what he has done, do you think it wise to reward someone with giving him what he wants?? I don't. Make no replies to him whatsoever.

When he had a chance to show he cared ,or at least respected you, he didn't. Even now he has done nothing to show he cares, and even his last email is a collection of his own wants, not yours.

In light of that, forget what you have written here today as false hope, and trying to rationalize your own misery, with your caring nature.

Your best course of action is a wholesale rejection of him, and his wants, and never reward him with your caring, and compassion.

He is not coming back for you, but to stroke his own ego, and lessen his hopefully guilt, for bad behavior.

Don't fall for the okedoke, and for once put yourself above what he wants. That simple. Do this for you.

You may always regret this chapter in your life, but while you may miss him, remember this, you didn't throw away nine years, he robbed you of them. A bandit doesn't deserve to get want he wants, not your love, your friendship, your caring, or anything else of you.

Reject him, as he deserves, forever, and find real happiness, and no more of his BS!

zeeniee · Nov 29, 2008, 07:48 AM

Dear Talaiman, thank you for your advice- its NC it is and no replys... your right he does not deserve anything- I should stop being nice and tough up... I find that v hard to do sometimes, a major weakness I have... he can go and find another best friend... he threw that away when he cheated, he desreves to loose me in every way when he cheated... it is a shame that he was really a nice person and one day slowly he changed and now he has become this... your right I do feel robbed- 9 years... that is a long time- no nailed your answers well to me and thank you v much

zeeniee · Nov 29, 2008, 07:57 AM

God I look forward to the day when I wake up and feel, relax and calm and at peace... these few months have drained me totally... I am v tired and I feel like my brains cells have shrivelled up with overloaded emotions. And information.. I am surprised my brain has not exploded yet! I really need to get myself together- which I am doing, but I need to do this at 100% effort and get my happy, chatterbox personality back in full swing... I can't remember when I laughed or joked these days... I miss myself! God knows what my friends think of me these days!

talaniman · Nov 29, 2008, 08:10 AM

They probably miss their friend too!

zeeniee · Nov 29, 2008, 08:37 AM

Smiles... yes one of my friends did say how quite I am these days- rare rare words- first time I have heard anyone say that to me in 34 years! Guess I have some catching up to do!

zeeniee · Nov 30, 2008, 07:02 AM

I have got to the point where I have made closure with my relationship with myself. Now its th etime to heal and move on. Yet I feel stuck. Its v frustrating and upsetting because I have everything I need to have a good life- I have a good job, I live in a good place, I have good friends. Before all this happened I was a v happy person and now I find it so har dto just gel everything together again. I know it will take time and I must let this come to me and I know I must take small little steps... what I am stuck with is how to start... itell myself- just try to have a normal day, but I find it v hard... today I have been feeling v low and I look around me and it is like I don't recognise my life... it is so werid and I got v upset... I do appreciate what I have around me, always, yet today I feel v lost and then the panic sets in... how do I start and get myself out of this stuck situation... as I know once I am unstuck it's a matter on keep on moving...

zeeniee · Dec 29, 2008, 06:30 AM

Dear all, this is an update from my previous posts (will need to read all three to know what an earth I am talking about). Okay as you know I have been having a hell time since I worked out my x finance was cheating on me. He left for his flight to the UK on Sept, and he moved in with his new chick the next day (I only found this out last month). Immediately his chick blocked his account for him on face book and so I could not email him, and I would not ring as either he is working or with her. She is 25, I am 34 and Myles is 30 yrs old. I have to admit, I did try a few times- I was devastated- I was with Myles for 9 years- during which we had no problems when compared to any other relationship- we met whilst I was doing my PhD in the UK, then we moved to OZ for two year and then to Singapore- we were to marry on the 9th Feb 09 and just like that when I worked out he was cheating he swipe me out of his world in 52 hours ( 24 of this was on the plane)…during the last two years he worked in UK and I worked in Singapore to save up fast for a house in the UK and for our wedding. We would meet every 3-4 months and he would take off a good few weeks here and work in Singapore as well- so the arrangement was tough being apart but in many ways it was OK considering what our goals were for the future.

Okay I cancelled everything- all the wedding, his green card permit as he was under me here in Singapore, his flight back from UK to Singapore for 28TH Dec 08 and I told his mum. My reason was v simple, if Myles was coming on his own to sort all out then that is fine, but if he is bring his chick forget it…as he said he would pick his stuff up in Dec on the way to New Zealand- that was a slip up from him and that is how I worked out WHO he was cheating with. The girl works at the bar at his work place, he is a chef. Then a few weeks later I hear that he has booked a single ticket to come and get his stuff? I was confused- why book a single? His mum reckons maybe he is coming back? Then I hear his chick is coming to Singapore. I was floored to death as 31st Dec would have been our 9th anniversary- what is he thinking?? So I try to find clarity with his mum- apparently she had no idea, her son has not been round etc and she can't understand why he is doing this- in her eyes he has just thrown away the best life he could have got. In the meantime on a few occasion I try to ring him, whenever I ring him out of the blue he is fine, but if it’s a planned call he is all cold and I notice his chick is always in the back ground. Then the very next day she does something on face book like stick a picture of him kissing her as her picture profile! Or sends me a phone text winding me up about them going to have a good time in Singapore for NYE… I eventually crack and break more than ever and so I sent his cargo back- all professionally packed and delivered door to door and I paid for it as well. Then I inform his mum that the cargo will arrive first week of Jan. I then block his f***ing chick and so she can no longer emotionally destroy me and p**** off as the last two months I have been more worried about what is going on rather than me.

So I think you know what if Myles is really happy with his new life, he will let this drop and not come to Singapore and leave me be. He has got everything- there is nothing left for him here. He should be the happiest man on earth- he is in love etc… if I was in his shoes I would let it be. Although I found out he was cheating, he never told me what happened etc- to this day I have purely guessed on what has happened… Yet I felt I was dumped and I want him back as I love him. Deep down thou I know this would be v hard to fix... my heart says one thing and my head says another thing- I am so ripped to death. I cry all the time, so far I have cried to sleep every day since Sept and then when I wake up I cry for two hours before I get up. I look forward to the day I don’t. In the mean time I try to get back on my feet- I get two tenants in as rent here is 2 thousand quid for a 3 bedroom apartment- I have to pay this till April 2010, and of course Myles now will not be paying his share. So I sort my finance out. It is the only thing I have been able to do and the second thing is to go to the gym 5 times a week instead of three. That is it. That is as far as I have ‘moved on’, pretty crap if you ask me.

So this month I found out he has booked a return ticket and to my horror I realize they are still coming- obviously to have a good time etc… well I can’t stop them but this hurt the most. I cried and cried myself to sleep. You’re bringing your stupid chic two days before our anniversary and 3.5 weeks before our wedding. How wrong is that! Why is no- one from his family saying anything? What the hell is going on?? Myles why can’t you go anywhere in the world but here? Because of you two from yesterday to 16th Jan I can’t live or go out as Singapore is a v small place- I will see you with her – I don’t need to see this at all. This is my life, was ours, not hers. I guess at the end of the day he is just flashing his ego and she will be so sparkled by how wonderful Singapore is, except I realized all he is doing is showing her what he LOST! I don’t get why he is doing all this?
So he arrived in Singapore, and he told me whilst in UK airport that he will see me and then tells me there is a problem with his ticket etc… I told him ‘well I don’t need to deal with all this now- but I am sure you will sort it all out or your chick will- is that what girlfriends do’ he said ‘ Oh Right’ and I can tell he was shocked with my remark.

Today I get the call whilst I was at work and he was furious- he yelled on the phone. Today was the first time in 9 years he yelled at me. I was shocked and very sad. Apparently he found out two days ago at the UK travel agent that I cancelled his ticket and so he had to folk out an extra 460 quid to fly from UK to Singapore. He was not happy. So today he went to STA travel here in Singapore to have it out with them. Ameer dealt with him and I already rang him early this morning and so he was all clued up- thank god I did that, as Myles acted like he had no idea what was wrong with his ticket, so Ameer check it all and yes oh Dr Zeeniee apparently cancelled this flight- he showed the email and then Myles acted like he had no idea why etc and then Myles then said he paid for it and wanted his money back. Ameer v politely told him the payment was made by Dr Zeeniee on her credit card! And so he should get himself a lawyer if he wanted to pursue this further!! OOOOPPPPSSS!!

So Myles rang me and had a huge FIT. I was v calm. I said Myles did your mum not tell you that I cancelled your ticket in Sept? I thought she did because she said you booked a fresh return flight? Man he was peeved and I can see smoke coming out of his head into the sky from my office!! He went into a huge rant on ' how can you do this to me' , 'this is out of line zee', ' you really hurt my heart zee', ' your doing this to get back at me'... ' last week you said you wanted to see me and then you do this- how can you do this', 'right then fine if your going to me immature then I will not be your friend- fine I will not see you- hurt away.. that’s it’... and so on... I told him Myles calm down, why don’t you go and have a beer and chill out you know- it will do you good... he was totally out of line and I was a bit scared as I have never ever seen him like this.

Then he goes on and said- well I have lost 460 quid- that’s half a month’s wage- I can’t ask mum to pay this etc..! I am thinking Myles you’re crying over 460 quid- you cost me thousands of quid! And so far I have not even said a word to you, when I told him I cancel his flight with all the wedding- he said don’t mention the wedding to me... THEN he said right I am having a word with mum.. I thought go ahead- because you know Myles for some reason she has not passed one damm info to you that I sent to her- nor has she sat down with you and asked what happened, nor has she told you what a mistake your making! WHy has she not done this? I don't get it. Saying this I realise this is not my problem!! It’s your damm family!! And it’s your mother... so watch what you say!

Then he made out this journey is a waste of his time, blah... and that he did not even want to come apparently!!
He said he was only coming to get my stuff- I said but I sent it back...
He said well I came to see you - then I said why your chick here is...
Then he went quite. GOOD. I guess he has run out of excuses... OH DEAR!

He then went mad that I sent the cargo back- he wanted to do it. I sent it back cos (a) its NYE time, it will cost a fortune (b) I don’t want you back in the house, helping yourself to whatever you fancy (c) I don’t see why I have to do this months down the line and watch your stuff in my place, killing me slowly - Why do that- can't I have a bloody life? (d) you brought chick b***** face over and (e) she has been sending me nasty texts winding me up...
He was not a happy bunny at all. He is so self pitying himself like life has done him bad, like if I am the cruelest person he has met… shame he can’t see what damage he is doing. Anyway he slammed the phone down and I was fine, I was shaking for a while and then I had a good cry as well. I thought yes Myles, your v bitter these days- hmmm... wonder why. I reckon based on his voice etc, I think he knows he has so f****ed up this time and he has LOST everything, me, his life everything he worked for in 9 years. He is v worried about money like hell, maybe he realized that I will not be around anymore as his rock? And he knows his chick would never take care of him, like I did- she is a total airhead... I feel so sad- how the hell this all this happen? One chick= all this mess- I wonder if she is super human or something for him to throw all this away. No one from his family likes her- she smells like garlic, has bags under her eyes, stinks, is moody and v controlling… apparently has horrible skin and wears no make up… that’s what I get told on the phone from his sisters and mum- what the heck is going on… it is so hard for me to see this. He dumped me for THAT! I feel crap, what the hell was I to him?
Any comments on what you guys think? Cheers and sorry for the message being so long.

zeeniee · Dec 30, 2008, 05:23 AM

An update, today I get texts from my ex- asking me to pay for his flight from UK to Singapore. His reason is that he has come all the way to see me, to see if I am OK and to make peace and be friends- BUT he will only do this if I pay him 490 quid! Man I was shocked, and I told him if you were coming to see me etc you would come on your own, not with your chick. If that was the case then that would be different. It is clear you here for a good time and wants me to cover your holiday!! No way will I pay this, I am so upset and annoyed that he thinks I owe him this! I am fuming to think he believes he came all this way to do be a favor to check if I am OK. What a load of BS. So I replied and since then gone NC, as really I just don't want to see him ever again. I am sorry but I spent 9 years with him and now I have to buy his friendship? What?? How low can one get- worst thing is all the texts were written by the chick... arragggghhhhh! This is so so wrong and horrible. I feel pretty crap and worthless..