Check out some similar questions!

kctiger · Oct 12, 2008, 04:19 PM

I am new to this site and appreciate all of the helpul tips on moving on after being dumped. The isights offered are really inspiring and the experience people have are a true help in my situation. I was recently dumped by my ex girlfriend a little over a month ago. We have dated for roughly 4 1/2 years. She was my first love, but in the end we really grew apart. At any rate, I think in my mind I held out that we would get back together eventually, and my pain would be eased. That thought is now only wishful thinking. I was out on Friday for my birthday and ran into a couple of her friends, whom are really fond of me and understand my pain. At any rate, one of her friends bought me a shot and then started telling me, out of nowhere, that my ex is already seeing this guy, whose name is Chris, like mine. This caused a masive meltdown and of course ruined my night. My ex heard about this and called me the next day to pretty much confirm everything I had heard. Guess she started seeing this guy like two or three weeks after she dumped me. I now have my closure, but it really hurts to think about. I guess it is for the best that I no longer consider ever getting back together with her, but I was wondering if anyone else has run across a situation where they find out their ex is dating someone so soon after a long and passionate relationship. Thanks for the support!

friend4u178 · Oct 12, 2008, 04:41 PM

Hi kctiger
This is not an unusual occurrence , in fact we see it on here quite often.

It's not easy to deal with but you can make it easier for yourself by NOT trying to check up on what she's doing and why etc. That does seem to be the most common mistake and one that will only make you feel worse and prolong the healing process. At the end of the day there's nothing you can do about it anyway , it's totally out of your hands.

Good luck!

kctiger · Oct 12, 2008, 04:44 PM

I appreciate the support! Yeah, I am actually changing my phone number tomorrow and amd going to do everything I can to completely erase myself from her life... and her out of mine.

friend4u178 · Oct 12, 2008, 04:48 PM

Good for you , and just read some of the Threads on here and see your not alone. When you feel sad come on here and vent , it's amazing how much better it can make you feel.

Molecular · Oct 12, 2008, 05:25 PM

I know how you're feeling man. Me and my girlfriend also dated for four and a half years and we broke up some 2-3 weeks ago. Basically for the first few weeks there was a thought in the back of my head that we'd get back together again.
Some of it is gone now, but the moments I stop caring I always stop to wonder if I'm not feeling so bad because I think I don't really need her or if I'm not feeling so bad because a part of me thinks it'll all straighten out.

At any case, it's hard for me to get rid of this woman completely (given we attend the same university, live 5 minutes away from each other and have many of the same friends), and I'm rather certain that once she finds someone else (if she hasn't already) it's not going to take me long until I find out. A part of me is dreading the day this happens, considering I've been doing better the last week and I want to hold on to that, I don't want another setback.

At the same time, however, I know that once I can confirm she's with someone else, I'll know there's nothing left that can happen to hurt me anymore. Right now I'm so tired of all the doubt, all the hurting and all the insecurities. So in a way, think of it positively. The worst is over, yes it sucks, but from hereon out it'll only go better. I still got one large bump in the road ahead of me that I'll have to face and I'm really not looking forward to facing it, but it's going to happen, and most likely any day now.

Keep on trucking and eventually you'll feel better, hang in there buddy, we're cheering for you!

Guidostern · Oct 12, 2008, 05:30 PM

Yeah man, I found out that my ex started seeing someone else less than a week after I was gone... it sucks really bad to know that, and I feel your pain.

I'm 500 miles away and her friends still try to tell me that she's doing everything she can to fill the void of me being gone, but it's not working out too well. I started NC and it's been 15-16 days since I really talked to her, but her friends say she's still a wreck, just like me... but I don't think we'll ever get back together, even after 5 years and an engagement...

kctiger · Oct 12, 2008, 05:30 PM

Very good point. That is actually what my friend told me. He said ,"Well, it sucks and it hurts, but you can only go up from here."

I hope you are doing well in your situation. I am rooting for you as well!

kctiger · Oct 13, 2008, 06:10 AM

So I thought I was doing really good yesterday putting it out of my mind, but when I tried to go to sleep I just couldn't. I probably slept maybe one or two hours last night and I was vomitting as well. My stomach is just in knots. I cannot describe the pain I have loving someone so much and just watching them throw you away like this. I cannot imagine moving on to another relationship so soon after a long term one, and she does it with such ease and comfort. She has been just so cold with me lately and when I think about her over at his house or her holding his hand it just makes me want to break down in tears. I can't imagine putting anyone through the pain this is causing.

Molecular · Oct 13, 2008, 06:18 AM

I feel for you man, but you have to hang in there. I agree with you that sleeping is the hardest part, I have troubles there as well. What helped for me was sleeping on my couch and letting the TV stay on until I fell asleep, preferably with one of my favourite comedy shows on there. Getting enough sleep is very important. The more tired and exhausted you are, the more depressed you will likely be over this.

The better you feel about yourself the less this will hurt you, so try your best to take care of yourself if you can, I don't know how you plan your days otherwise but try to keep busy. For me it helped keeping busy with things I felt improved myself in some way, whether it be working out or learning some new skill like playing the guitar, or just doing some schoolwork and so forth.

Whatever you do, though, try to remember the negative sides of the relationship you had with your ex. I know this is a hard thing to do, because I'm going through the same thing right now, but any time I think about the good times we had together I spiral down into depression, so instead I try to focus on the times she was nagging at me, being displeased, the things that I didn't like about her such as her self righteousness and from what I've seen since we broke up, her complete and utter disregard for me.

This puts me in a mindframe that: "Well if someone else wants her, they can have her, I can do better" which, personally helps a lot. I don't know if this may help for you, but try it, it sure did for me, and hang in there!

Fredj88 · Oct 13, 2008, 07:34 AM

I know how it feels, my girlfriend of 3 years dumped me, last time I talked to her she had feelings for this new guy already, I did NC now 20 days of NC, I don't know if there together but I'll keep doing nC not to find out lol.

jammyb · Oct 13, 2008, 08:15 AM

You've hit the nail on the head there molecular. That's pretty much exactly what I did. Me and my ex split up because I was jealous of another guy (which I had never done previously in a 2 and a half year relationship), who she always insisted there was nothing going on with. However about a week after we broke up they got together, and as far as I know still are together after what must be 6 months. I never thought id get over it at the time but its amazing how quickly you do.

One slightly controversial thing to add to moleculars point is to get out there and meet new women. A lot of people would disagree and say that its bad for the healing process, but I went out with a girl for three months since the main breakup, and had tons of fun. It really helped get over the other one, and really made me realise that it would be easy to find that special person again. It's a massive distraction as well.

Also, no matter how low you feel, and no matter how much of a good idea you think it is at the time do not contact them (obviously), don't check up on them, remove them from facebook/myspace and your phone.

If its any consolation I think male and female psychology is different with breakups; whereas men deal with it by trying to improve themselves, women often run to the next person who pays them any attention. Unlucky for us, this often isn't very far. This has been backed up by a lot of close male friends whose (ex) gf's have started seeing someone else either towards the end of the relationship or just after the breakup. Don't take it personally mate, it really is a common occurrence, you've just got to make sure you learn from any mistakes you think you might have made in the relationship, and make sure they don't happen again. No matter how distant she seems, she probably is massively hurt by the breakup, to the point where she can't bare to be by herself, hence the rebound. It does get better, guaranteed.

talaniman · Oct 13, 2008, 08:24 AM

But I was wondering if anyone else has run across a situation where they find out their ex is dating someone so soon after a long and passionate relationship.

In almost every case the partner that gets dumped is the last to know whats going on.

The truth is the partner that is doing the dumping, has been thinking about this long enough, to have made that decision, and doesn't have to go through the emotional shock of finding out that they have been dumped, rejected and forgotten.

Thats why its so hard to be dumped, and thats why they are ready to move on, and are even more willing to be friends, just because they have had that extra time, to rationalize, and come to terms with their decision.

That is exactly why, you must accept that decision, and give yourself the same kind of time to heal. That's what NO Contact does, gives your heart a safe place to heal.

It would also help not to discuss her, or keep being updated by her friends. Especially after a couple of shots.

Guidostern · Oct 13, 2008, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

So I thought I was doing really good yesterday putting it out of my mind, but when I tried to go to sleep I just couldn't. I probably slept maybe one or two hours last night and I was vomitting as well. My stomach is just in knots. I cannot describe the pain I have loving someone so much and just watching them throw you away like this. I cannot imagine moving on to another relationship so soon after a long term one, and she does it with such ease and comfort. She has been just so cold with me lately and when I think about her over at his house or her holding his hand it just makes me want to break down in tears. I can't imagine putting anyone through the pain this is causing.

I think we all know how you feel to some extent. I can tell you that after leaving, I didn't sleep for 3 days. I got physically ill when she called me and was telling me that she missed me and all this stuff. Then, a couple of days later, she tells me that she's seeing someone else already... I sat in my room, lights out and just couldn't take my mind off the fact that some other guy was with the woman that I was going to spend the rest of my life with... it sucks, but I can tell you that it gets better...

DO NOT CONTACT HER... If you need some of your things, send a friend for them... it's not worth the trama that you're going to put yourself through when you see her... Just hang in there, we're all here to support each other, so if you need to vent just come back here and vent... someone always has an open ear... or an open keyboard in this case...

kctiger · Oct 13, 2008, 10:22 AM

I can't tell you how much it means that you people come on here and are so quick to support me. My friends are really at a loss for words right now because they know I am hurting sooo much. I changed my number this morning and cut all ways to contact her and I honestly just broke down after I did that. I realize that I may never talk to her or see her again. It's like hitting a brick wall. I have tried for a long time to be the "macho" guy that doesn't let things like this get to me, but it is the first time I have ever had my heart broken so it is new to me.

Guidostern · Oct 13, 2008, 10:43 AM

My breakup is 2 days past 3 weeks and I can tell you that I occasionally still have breakdowns... heart breaks are very hard... no one ever gets used to them... some of us close up and don't talk to people, some of us just go out and go on...

One thing... as much as you might want to, if you're hanging out with mutual friends, don't talk about her.. don't let them bring it up... go out and have some fun if you can... go do things that you haven't gotten to do before, or even something that you haven't done since you were with her.

I started lifting weights and that helped a lot... just keep your head up, and your shoulders back...

kctiger · Oct 13, 2008, 01:16 PM

Yeah, I do work out as much as possible. I have been doing that for years now, luckily never stopped when I dated her. I guess my main goal is to try and get my mind off thinking about her and her new boyfriend. That to me is the hardest part. Just a little over a month ago we were in the same bed and now she is with someone else. It is just sooo hard to not concentrate on her holding another guy's hand... that part sucks

inertia · Oct 13, 2008, 03:09 PM

She is though. Two months ago I was where you are. Difference being my ex started spending every waking and sleeping second with my friend and she lives a block away. So I actually got stuck comparing myself to this guy and imagining their relationship. Pretty dumb of me but in some ways it helped overall. I figure OK good, it will be all fun and games for a while but even if they get married and stay together forever he will have to put up with (list all of her annoying habits, unresolved arguments, weird tendencies). Maybe they will be happy, but he's not better than me, just different. There were special times we had together that her and the new guy will not have and sometimes when things aren't going well, she will remember how you were better at this or that. Not to come back, but she will remember. You left your mark on her life, it won't be erased or replaced unless she is a sociopath. Two months later, I'm not happy for them or anything, but I see how I can live my life in a way that would not be possible if I was still with her. I can get happy about that. Your two lives were entwined for 4 and half years. That's longer than high school. You taught her things that she will keep with her for the rest of her life. BTW, if this guy turns out to be a rebound then it will be a pleasant surprise but irrelevant to your life.

kctiger · Oct 13, 2008, 03:16 PM

I would hope that with time many things go away. I have absolutely erased any means of contact and any remembrance of her I have (besides my thoughts). I do not care to talk to her or see her for the rest of my life. I feel that way now, and I am sure in a year or two that will change, but for right now I am way too hurt to even look at a picture of her. I don't consider us getting back together an option at any point in my life either.

inertia · Oct 13, 2008, 03:21 PM

You are lucky to be able to do that. My ex still drives past my house checking things out and constantly shows up at the bar I go to. In fact the last time she saw me there she tried to get me to dance with her. I'd rather have an ex that understood why nc is necessary. She has left me alone since then though, probably because I called her a flake. Anyway, it does get easier.

kctiger · Oct 13, 2008, 03:26 PM

Well it seems like your ex still has some feelings for you. I truthfully didn't need to change my number or block her emails, because I don't think she would ever try to contact me. I was out for my be day on Friday and she was at the same complex I was but deliberately avoided me because she was with her current boyfriend. At least she had the heart to do that I guess. However, she found out about her friend telling me, called me on Saturday and was the coldest b*tch I had ever talked to. Just ruined my entire be day.