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Birmo0803 · Oct 12, 2008, 06:29 AM

Hey people I'm new to the forums and I thought id start by laying everything on the plate...

Im 20 and I met my girlfriend in work just over 1yr ago. We started going out and within a few months I come to the point that I really love this girl with everything I have, she tells me the same. We see each other basically everyday, cuddle kiss and say I love you - just the usual warm loving relation ship..

Anyway a few months ago, she went on holiday (well away) for a week with her friend and some other people and when she came back she seemed different. I didn't know if she cheated on me and felt bad or something else. But I figured it out and confronted her. I told her, "i think you saw how much fun you can have and now you are having second thoughts" she said, yes I do but I don't want to leave you I love you. I just want to spend more time with my friends, I said OK cool if you want I'm happy for you to do that. (I new because she hinted one night we done the same things over and over every night).

So her friends turned out to be some guys from college, I came round one night after work and she was in college early the next morning so I didn't stay. A few weeks later I turn up at her house after work and she crying badly, I mean falling apart. I kind have new what happened. She said, you won't want to be with me when I tell you "i said you have either cheated on me or slept with somebody behind my back to cry this much"

It turned out, the night I left, she was really upset after I left and "her collage" friend just turned up after me. So she talked to him crying (her head was messed up, and she's a very vounerable person) so he comforted her and she said they kissed. NOt once but on 3 separate occasions of hanging around. Even when I left her house she would go hand and then kiss. (he tells her that he loves her!) really f"$%ing up her head.

Im falling apart her, i just dont know what ive done to deserve this, ive done nothing but love her and care for her. She says shes sorry her head was messed up and she didnt know what she was doing, i pointed out that she did it on 3! occasions. But i said, i love you and i can forgive you i dont want to loose you.

Week later we have a little argument after fixing things. and she tells me i dont know what i want i dont think i want to be with you. I am literally dying here at this point. i thought it was over Full stop. but she says i dont want you completly out of my life, we can spend one more night together. i said ok "crying my eyes out" (but i said i will leave during the night because i can't face leaving you when your awake. so i wake up about 4:30am and move, she wakes up and i can't speak becasue im crying soo bad, I type on my phone "time for me to say goodbye" - she grips me soo tight and shakes her head and says no please, just give it time.

So we decided she needs time, but it killed me not seeing her, so i just text saying hey baby, are you ok im missin you. and she asks if im not doing anything come see me later. I hold her tight and cry saying "I can't loose you, you make my world complete" and she basically says I love you and just give me time and we will be OK. She promised that we would be holding each other in bed again.

But I just don't know, She still hangs about with that guy, but I told her to tell him how you feel etc, and she has. But I just don't trust the guy. He is the type of person to take advantage of somebody even when there drunk. I trust her but I'm just worried, I don't want to loose her I love her and I know she loves me. The pain hurts so bad.

I don't know what to do or what to think. I just feel lost.

Thanks for listening. Rob.

High Max · Oct 12, 2008, 07:25 AM

Rob, if she has kissed this guy and been intimate with him, and now gives you this whole space talk, I think she wants to play around with this one, and then fall back to you.

Tell her if she wants to get back with you, that she can't remain in contact with this guy that she cheated on you with. If she truly loves you, it should be a no brainer choice for her.

liz28 · Oct 12, 2008, 07:34 AM

It seems that she's keeping you around for her life boat. This way in case it doesn't work out with someone else, she will have you to run too. Don't be that. If she is confuse about what she wants then let her be confuse without you because you don't need this confusion in your life. Stop letting her mess with your head. That's why you feel the way you do and I know you don't like that feeling.

Stop hugging, kissing,etc. This only complicate things. You did nothing wrong she cheated on you with her friend and is still hanging around him after he confuss his love for her, so move on. She shared something with him that should have only be shared with you. Let her go and you move on with your life. Let her be confuse with her friend because it sounds like she want to play the field with no commitment to no one. Your instincts was right when you thought something happen so don't ignore them, follow them.

Chery · Oct 12, 2008, 07:37 AM

Hi dear, I'm a little pressed for time right now, but will get back with you.
In the meantime, read the first four 'stickies' in the relationships section,and see that you are among many who go through this - and sometimes not only once in life.
At your age, this is probably your 'first real love' and you want to hang on.. that's understandable. So, hang in there, not all is lost yet.
C.U. later - and you'll get a lot of feedback from other good people here to help you. You'll survive this, I promise.

Until she makes up her mind, don't let her feel that 'friendship with benefits' is what you will put up with. It hurts, I know, but be strong and maintain your self-respect. NO Freebies for her.

Birmo0803 · Oct 12, 2008, 07:46 AM

Thanks a lot guys for telling me that. Believe me its not the first time I've heard it. The thing is I'm going through hell here with my life, and she keeps me from falling apart. She has told me she loves me and does want to be with me, she's just a little confused at the moment. I love her so much its hard for me to even think about letting her go, She's told me that all she wants to do is get right and hold me, squeeze me and she won't give up on our relationship and I believe her. But I honestly do understand what you guys mean. She also promised me that although were are still on a break, as far as she is concerned were still together, and that what happened with her friend is over. She still sees him because he takes her to college 3days a week and is in the same class. She's not willing to loose me and friend and I accepted that.

I know I am being stupied and making a silly choice here, but there might be light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to hang on.

Rob

liz28 · Oct 12, 2008, 07:56 AM

Part of loving someone is letting them go. You can't be on a break and still be together. Since your on a break she is free to do what she want, including dating, and you are too. If your love each other, then why you two are not together?

If she ask for space and you want to give it to her, then do so but keep your emotions in tact. Your might get back together or your might not, nothing is guarantee. In the meantime stop doing the things that boyfriends and girlfriends do. It will only leave you confuse. You stated this happen before so this seems to be a cycle, a cycle that should want to break. Protect your heart and watch who you let in it.

High Max · Oct 12, 2008, 08:20 AM

I believe that sometimes it is possible to change and not cheat. This happened to me once, and she did not do it again. I was firm, and said that if you want to be together with me you will not see these guys that you have been hanging out with. I was firm and said you break contact or I'm walking, and she agreed. If she comes back, don't be a sucker and continue to let her hang out with these guys.

Birmo0803 · Oct 12, 2008, 09:09 AM

OK, I think I've sort'a mis-informed you guys. WE are on a "break" but its not a break where we go and date other people. It just for space apart, I think we needed it. We spent every single day together, every single night. We just need to see our friends a little more and I think the more time we spend apart, the more we will miss each other.

We put everything on the plate before we agreed to go through with this, so that the old issues would not be waiting for us when we get back. I understand all of your replys and I am truly grateful.

We will start to see each other more on the 20th, she is house-sitting for her farther and she has asked me to do it with her. I asked is it because you will be on your own and she said no, I think we can sort it out when were alone there.

I guess I will just have to keep you guys informed?

And as I say, I can't stop her from seeing the guy because she's in the same class at college and he takes her to college. She's promised me that its over and she told him there is nothing between us. I do believe her. But if I was to say don't see him, she would have to leave college and I am not stamping on any dream she has to be successful.

Rob.

AskJenny · Oct 12, 2008, 09:16 AM

Hang on? No don't hang on. If she loves you and only you you'd know that and if she picks you won't you have trust issues then with is she at school; is he talking to here there... I think she does care for you a lot but she's not ready to commit to only you. Break up with her; go your separate ways and if after a year you make contact and start things up again maybe she'll have matured to see you were the one... maybe it won't take a year for her to know that even but don't set yourself in turmoil daily waiting for her to decide. Sounds like she has decided and just doesn't know how to not hurt you in the long run by saying it to you.

liz28 · Oct 12, 2008, 09:31 AM

The question here should be "what do I want?" If seems that you already have a plan and is willing to wait so the question was useless. It's your choice on what you do and if you accept everything then do and realized outcome might not be what you hope for.

High Max · Oct 12, 2008, 09:43 AM

Why can't she get a ride to school any other way? Just curious.

Birmo0803 · Oct 12, 2008, 09:47 AM

That's not the point, she has college 3days a week for 6-7 hours, The lesson she takes he is in it all day everyday. Even if she did it wouldn't make a difference. Im not bothered about it, I trust her. We had a real hear to hear for 4 hours in my car before hand, I trust her I just had to ask her "can I trust you again" and she said yes I want to be with you but give it time, I just need to see my friends more etc, I got a Text message saying "i love you soo much, i missing you i want to squeeze you" I won't give up on us. Ill be OK soon and we can be together again.

Rob

High Max · Oct 12, 2008, 09:51 AM

Well Rob, it's up to you. I wouldn't let my girlfriend hang out with a guy that she was kissing on and had some feelings for, and then ask to get back with me. I think it's reasonable to tell her you won't allow it if you are in a relationship, but hopefully if you get back together maybe they won't do anything.

High Max · Oct 12, 2008, 09:53 AM

And I just re-read, and he was professing his love for her? Do you want this guy around? I KNOW how men work, most of us don't give a damn if she is with you or not. We will try and get with them anyway. So unless you want this guy there to always be tempting her and trying to make advances with her, put your foot down and say "I will not have him in our life after what happened" if you do get back into this relationship.

Birmo0803 · Oct 12, 2008, 09:56 AM

She kissed him and told me it was a true mistake, basically the guy loves my girfriend and would do anything to get with her i.e comfort her. I think he actually took advantage of her, you have to know my girlfriend to understand. She's very vunerable when upset, I know its not an excuse to cheat.

She has also told me that she has no feelings for him, as he is like a brother to her. Nothing more then a friend, so I believe her. I love her, and I know she loves me and I also know she knows she made a huge mistake that will never make this relationship the same. We had out weaknesse and we found them out by talking, and we all know over coming out weakneses makes us stronger? Riiight?

But trust me, I know where you guys are coming from and I thank you.

Rob.

High Max · Oct 12, 2008, 10:04 AM

It does make you stronger, I just hope that this guy doesn't give you future problems. Because getting back together would be the opportune time to get him out of the relationship, because if she connects with him later on and they continue hanging out, she won't.

liz28 · Oct 12, 2008, 10:06 AM

He didn't take advantage of her, you stated they kissed on 3 separate occasions and she would hung out from him after leaving you. They shared intimate moments with one another and now he is still hanging around and she knows how he feels. There's two sides to every story and I wonder what his side would be. Not to sound harsh or mean but what is the meaning of your question if you already have a solution and made up your mind on how to proceed?

Birmo0803 · Oct 12, 2008, 10:06 AM

Well if all does go well for me, I am going to tell her I trust you. But just know, that I don't agree with you hanging with him after everything. Although you have told him no, it doesn't mean he will stop. He is a male after all. He will try something with you when you are least expecting it. But I trust you will make the right choice. etc.

Rob

High Max · Oct 12, 2008, 10:09 AM

It's the same old story, Liz. My ex told me that he "was like a brother" Since when do you makeout with your brother? Getting back together, I said you won't be seeing him anymore, even though she wanted to be friends. I put my foot down. "It's him or me, you break off contact or im walking". She changed her phone number for me, and proved herself to me that she would never do such a thing again.

Birmo0803 · Oct 12, 2008, 10:12 AM

@ liz, I understand, but if you read my past posts my girlfriend was messed up. I asked her wy did you do it 3x and she replied "crying eyes out" I don't know, my head is so messed up at the moment. I just needed sombody there and you wasn't. (I agree I wasn't I was always working) but still no excuse.

Anyway. I'm going to talk to her later about US, ill let you guys know how it went.

Rob