[obsessed]

Long story. It began in early 2005, I had recently moved and joined a new school in the 11th form. I used to take the bus to school, and well, there was this girl who was on the same bus... and during every ride we took on the bus, every day, over the next several months, we used to gaze at each other until we made eye-contact, at which point, we'd immediately look away - only to look back a moment later. It was surreal, like there was just the two of us in there, and everything else faded away. So that continued to happen, and it affected me in a very deep way.

One of those days, while we were walking to the bus, I was a few steps behind her, and I noticed her talking to herself. Later, I deduced that she'd joined the school recently as well. I mean, it's quite ineffable, I began noticing her little idiosyncrasies - like, every day, as we walked in through the school door, she'd inconspicuously raise her arm, and gently touch the cold, door frame; or, how she'd hold her hand over her eyes, to shade them against the sun.

During one of those rides on the bus, I happened to occupy the seat right behind the one she was sitting in. She was with a friend, and they were talking, and every now and then she used to look over her shoulder and touch and stroke her hair, or play with her ear-rings. Her face was flushed, and she used to inexplicably look behind as she smiled or laughed at something that her friend said... I still remember how pretty she looked that day.

A few months later, she switched buses, 'cause I guess she settled in and made a few friends who used to take the other bus. One day, I walked back to the bus right after school; nobody was around the bus as the final period wouldn't end until a few minutes. As I got in and turned to the right to make my way along the aisle, I noticed her sitting right in the center of the last row of seats, with her bag beside her, and she gazed at me straight in my eyes and held her gaze for a few seconds, with this look on her face which seemed to ask "Well... what now?" I felt a bit shaken, and quickly shuffled my way into one of the seats in front.

After that, we wouldn't see each other regularly. One day at school, I couldn't find a chair in the Chemistry lab, so I had to go the Bio lab to borrow one. As I walked in, I noticed that she was there with a friend - just the two of them - and as soon as she saw me, she lowered her gaze towards the floor, and didn't let it budge until I left the room. They were talking as I entered, and the abrupt silence made me feel really knotted up, wanting to grab the chair and get out of there as soon as I could.

A few months later, I would graduate and leave school. She's 3 years younger to me, so she's in her final form this year.

It's such a shame... we live within two blocks of each other, and if I wanted to, I could be at her door in 5 minutes. But...

After school (post-2006), after realizing that I couldn't stop thinking about her, I tried to see her on a few occasions. Some days, I used to wait near the bus stop at about the time school got over, so that I could catch a glimpse of her as she walked home. On a few occasions I did; mostly, I didn't.

The last time both of us saw each other was in... I think, sometime around October-December 2006. I was walking home, and just as I turned the corner into the street that houses her apartment... I see her right opposite, walking into me, and I felt butterflies run amok in my stomach, god! She was with her mum, and I hastily walked across. After I walked past, I turned around, hoping to see her do the same - but she didn't.

Soon after that, in early 2007 I found her profile online. And I've been logging on everyday, watching her profile. It's strange, I could hardly glean anything from that, though, 'cause she's so terse (at least in her online interactions), almost to the point of being rude, even with friends.

So, that's what I've been doing, watching her profile for the past few years.

A month ago, my, mmm, interest exploded, and I broke into her email account. I saved all logs, and read them overnight. I got to know a few things about her that way. I also got some photographs of her. She's incredibly beautiful, and I lose sense of everything, gazing at her pictures, for hours...

She hasn't reclaimed the account as yet, and that's killing me. I hope she takes it back soon. I know that people will condemn it (breaking into someone's email) as a sick thing to do, hell, it's illegal, but...

I think if she ever does come to know of this, she'll never forgive me. I wish I could empathize with what somebody in that position might feel, but I'm sorry I can't, 'cause I don't have anything personal in my mailbox, as I'm a recluse and don't know anybody.

I can't stop thinking about her, and I wish I could understand why. I've also dreamt about her sometimes, and then I wake up in the middle of the night and run into the bathroom to look at my reflection in the mirror. Sometimes, I cry.

I may have to go away soon, college ends this summer, and I think if there's anything to be done, I better try it now. It's already too late, I'm afraid. :-/ It's been 4 years, almost. We haven't seen each other in 2 years. Did I have my chance and let it slip?

I wish I could do something about this. I really needed to let this out, so if anybody can say something about this, it would be a great help. Thanks.

[tickle]

I think your chances have already been and gone, in fact what you are doing and did sounds really creepy. Think you had better forget about this for your own wellbeing. Nothing you can do at this point will do her or you any good at all and better left alone.

[Bluerose]

Leave it alone and move on. Going by the length of your post, it looks like you are over thinking it to the extent of being creepy. Let it go for the sake of your own sanity.

[Romefalls19]

Dude you are stalking her! Go seek counseling before this turns out worse than what it already is, you've broken a few laws already

[talaniman]

You need help, and better get it fast, before you do something you will have to pay for bigtime, you are already way over the line.

[nicola89]

I think everyone is right you should let it go as its been 2 years. But if you feel you can't do that then you need to talk to her and ask her how she feels. If she is not intrested then leave her alone and move on

[liz28]

You sound to obessive over this girl. As mention eariler you're cyer stalking her and doing it physically. Hacking into someone account is illegal. This obessive can only get worst and can lead you to do something else. I feel sorry for this girl but she doesn't know that she is being stalk. Get help fast because what you already admitted to can get you in trouble with the law and maybe jail time. You been stalking this girl for years, how much longer you plan on doing this? What happen when you see her with a guy or kissing one? Get help!

[Romefalls19]

Nicola, normally I would agree with that approach but based on what he has already said about the stalking and hacking her e-mail, I would fear for her well being if she didn't feel the same way.

[TrueFaith]

((as I'm a recluse and don't know anybody))

Ok listen Get out and start getting to know people yes? That would help with that recluse issue

I don't think there is a strong enough word to say than.

You Plonker what are you doing

You know you have a problem don't you I mean this could be made into a movie
Where everyone dies at the end by an AXE wilding mask duded.
You're the guy with the AXE

Look we all get a bit obsessed over a few things in our lifes. Even more so if you have an OCD personality

If you can't seem to find the strength in yourself to stop doing what you are doing
I recommend you go get some help and have someone to talk to about all these feelings that you are feeling.

You will be surprised how much that helps
Because if we are locked away in our own mind.
Our world becomes the outside world
And that my friend is never a good thing

I wish you all the luck
There is nothing I can really tell you to stop stalking her. Apart from Don't
In the end these are only words
You need action
Take the first step and talk with a professional

[HistorianChick]

At first, I found your descriptive and colorful account of this story a bit endearing, if not sweet. The way you describe this girl in such detail shows a highly imaginative mind that is quite literate and full of grammatical mysteries.

But as I was reading, I began to get a little "weirded out" at the level of detail... the personal touches of description. I felt as if I was observing something that shouldn't be observed, that I was stalking, in essence.

Then I see that yes, that is exactly what you are doing.

You are right. You ARE too obsessive about this girl. I agree with the above posters that you need to get some help. Waiting at a high school bus stop, in hopes of catching a glimpse of a high school girl is odd, logging in to her online profile every day is scary, but hacking in to her personal email account is stalking.

What would you hope to get from her after she found out that you had done all of this? You've lost your chances with her, man. As a woman, I'd take out a restraining order on you, not be endeared.

Leave this girl alone. Stop stalking her. Get help. Really.

I'm glad that you asked for help on here, that shows that you understand that its wrong. Now, act on that impulse and get help.

[lisa3456]

Let me just tell you.I had this girl do what you are doing to this girl you like.She hacked in my email and ruined a chance I had with a guy.I do not understand why would you hack someone's email.Can anyone tell me HOW people can do that.. Also I do not understand WHY you didn't trying talking to her instead of doing all this...

[ilove72]

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO ASKING A GIRL TO COFFEE??

Believe me girls like some one to do something straight forward and simple not a STALKER lol

[obsessed]

Mmm, I wish I could stop, I really do. This seems to be heading nowhere. I suppose it was rather harmless as long as I just kept myself content watching her profile, but in hindsight I realize that I did something terribly wrong in breaking into her email account. I myself feel somewhat disgusted about that now. I don't know... I really want to get over this, I think I want to confess what I did to her. But that would be like dropping a bomb on her otherwise peaceful existence, wouldn't it? And it would be such an insensitively selfish thing to do, because she is most certainly happier not knowing about all this, and I'll be ruining that just to get over my guilt complex. Sigh.

I really hope I resolve this issue soon, 'cause it's been at the back of my mind for so long and shows no signs of going away. Am I deluding myself?

I've been thinking that if we happen to cross paths sometime soon, and if at that moment I feel the same spark that we felt back then, I'll probably follow my impulse and just talk to her - I've played that over in my head so many times and I don't know what I could probably say to her, but I guess it'll happen.

My predicament is especially aggravated because, as I already mentioned, I am really reclusive and my condition seems to be a textbook example of SPD. So I suppose my obsession with her happened 'cause I neither engage in nor desire any human interaction otherwise, and that led me to invest all my emotions into this. And that's what surprised me because I had never felt the sort of, mmm, connection that I felt between us in those moments. Nobody has ever looked at me that way and... sorry, it's ineffable. Have any of you experienced anything like that? I couldn't possibly attempt to describe what I felt, but thankfully, this passage that I found online, comes close:

"Haruki Murakami writes about the brief moment of intimately knowing a complete stranger, completely. Knowing, sometimes immediately and without thought, that you both inherently share something worth acknowledging. Knowing that this moment is a meeting of two transcendental sparks in the dreary concrete corridors of human skin. Yet watching silently as the knowing is eclipsed by the feeling that offering an honest truth will somehow be inappropriate. Staying silent because you know that discussions of appropriateness will hide the horrifying fear of total rejection at this momentous moment. And then just walking past. "

Well...


@Romefalls19: mmm, I did consider, albeit fleetingly, turning myself in to the police. But I think 'stalking' would involve active harassment, which I haven't done and couldn't do. I could be charged for breaking into her email though, sigh, I've been so reckless...

@nicola89: Yes, I really like her. And, as an observer, I think that's such an odd thing; to talk of "liking" somebody without really knowing them, or even having spoken with them. I wish I didn't feel this way.

@liz28: I think that is one way this problem could resolve itself, that is, if she starts seeing someone else. I'd probably be heartbroken for a while, but at least that would kill all hope - this hope that feeds my obsession.

@TrueFaith: It's too late, I'm afraid. Something about what you said makes sense to me, about talking it over, and that's what I'm doing now, and yes, I believe this does get me closer to an answer.

@HistorianChick: I wish I could just command myself to 'STOP!' and get over it like that, because honestly I don't like what I'm doing. But, sigh, it's not that simple. I wish I could start all over again.

@lisa3456: mmm, I did that in an attempt to, well, "know" her. Sheesh, this sounds so creepy.

@ilove72: I wish I could do that, if I had a choice I'd take it in a flash. It's no fun being alienated, but I guess that's the price you pay for, mmm, knowing that there isn't much out there to be well adjusted to.

Thank you for all your replies, it means a lot, and I couldn't get it otherwise. This has cleared things up a bit. All of you have suggested that I get help. What help, should I see a psychiatrist? I don't think I can bring myself to do that, but I need to resolve this somehow - I can't think beyond this. Tickle & bluerose are right - I think this, combined with some other things, could drive me insane eventually. I don't know.

Anyway, it's not just this, some other things in my life seem to be coming to a head as well, and I'm utterly despondent trying to deal with the fact there seems to be no way out. I've really messed up.

[talaniman]

What a tough situation, and frankly you have some tough decisions ahead of you.

You seem to have a good insights on the problem, but really do need some personal input, and guidance, as to how to resolve it.

Be it professional, or that of a person whom you trust, you must try to take those necessary steps to have someone else involved.

Why go crazy, and isolate yourself, when just a little courage, and some action on your part, and go a long way to making things upfront, and much easier to handle?

Give yourself a chance here guy, and do something for yourself, besides bottling this away, and letting it go unresolved, as you will pay a price as will anyone you love, because of this, and that's not fair to anyone.

You can do this, just talk to a pastor, parent, older friend, counselor, darn near anyone, just talk to someone, and end this cycle of guilt, and self doubt, and get a much healthier outlook on your own life.

[tickle]

What the OP should not do, absolutely NOT DO, is contact this girl under any circumstances. He may be spiralling down into depression and god knows what else is going on in his head, but he doesn't need to involve this girl in his demolishin.

I agree with talaminan, who as offered some of his excellent advice again. OP must speak to anyone he is comfortable doing that with.

[obsessed]

Well... it's me again.

A few changes took place soon after I posted my first message here on that lonesome October morning, more than a year ago. Here's what happened...

On the night of November 4th, 2008, I finally sent her an email briefly hinting at what I'd been through over the years, alongwith a request to add each other on IM.

November 5th, 11 am - she accepts my IM request. We begin to chat, and quite expectedly her initial reaction is one of astonishment followed by intrigue. We continued chatting over IM every day for the rest of the
Week. I told her my stories of noticing and remembering every little thing about her. I think she began to understand what had happened to me.

On November 14th, I reveal to her that I won't be around for long. A fortnight from then, I'd have to move out of that neighborhood and into a place 1 hour away. I think it was at this point that she realized how much all this meant to me and what I'd actually been through to eventually contact her under such drastic circumstances. That evening, she sent me an offline message which plainly read, "See, I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way."

She never sends offliners.

We chatted every other day over that fortnight. More memories followed.

On November 28th, I thanked her and bid goodbye to my home of the past five years, and the places where I first saw her.

We continued chatting after I moved to my present house. Most of our conversations used to begin with a casual exchange of pleasantries, followed by her telling me about her progress at school, and often moving on to me vividly recounting my memories of her; like the day I woke up with a memory of her - I remember it was New Year's day last year - and immediately rushed to my computer to tell her about it - this was an incident from 2005... about a time when I was stuck in a bus fully of noisy schoolkids, only to turn back and find her soft asleep like a pure drop in an ocean of noise.

I remember her responding especially positively to this particular memory, among a few other ones. :)

And so we spoke...

Concurrent with all this, I also went through some changes in other areas of life. I began focusing on my health and well-being, lost a good 20 pounds, overcame bulimia, began eating healthily & working out, and my face went from being an inflamed, acne-blighted mess (brought about by a junk-food habit that I slipped into as a consequence of depression over the last few years) to clear again. I also aborted a suicide attempt, and I'm presently in the process of applying to grad school.

However, I still had negative tendencies and wasn't entirely normal as an everyday person.

Coming back to her, we continued chatting over IM for the next few months. After the summer, she got busy with college admissions, so our conversations were less and less frequent. The last time we spoke was in early August. Soon after that, Yahoo initiated some security changes, and I reckon she hasn't logged on since then.

A few months ago, in November, I happened to be near her university, and guess what... I saw her again. I nearly went up and spoke with her, but alas, something else happened, which is actually quite humorously tragic in hindsight :p (maybe I'll explain it in my next post, too tired now).

This winter marks 5 years from the day that I first saw her on that misty January morning in 2005. I'm afraid I don't want to quit now... it would be such a waste of all that I've been through, especially considering the
Fact that I'm finally finding my feet again.

Any opinions & suggestions?

[amicon]

Its good that you've improved your physical health and that your education is moving forward.

As for your obsession,however,you really need to seek help.

Make an appointment with a therapist and work through your issues.

[obsessed]

What appointment? The only time that I almost consulted a therapist was when my parents discovered my suicide plans, panicked and nearly fixed an appointment. Soon after that, however, I snapped and aborted those ideas.

[obsessed]

What the OP should not do, absolutely NOT DO, is contact this girl under any circumstances. He may be spiralling down into depression and god knows what else is going on in his head, but he doesnt need to involve this girl in his demolishin.

Ah, I realize that what I did eventually was entirely the opposite of what you advised. I now understand where you were coming from when you said that, and truth be told, I was a wretched wreck all throughout the days running up to the moment I finally contacted her.

What would you advise now?

[Romefalls19]

I'd advise you seek help immediately! This is borderline stalking and is a crime. That might be harsh, but look at how you are acting with this girl. 5 years and you follow her, stalker her e-mail.