[Cucci]

I'm 30 years old, I have 4 children that I have given birth to and 3 step children (6 total in my home) my girls are 13, 7, 32 months and 21 months. The last two are my second marrige, and I delivered them both in the same year January and December 2006. Shortly after having the last one, I noticed, but more so my husband, that we go longer and longer with no sex. Well, 21 months later, it's gotten worse. I have no desire to have sex, to be kissed, it just seems too me, I'm not the same person, and it makes me very sad, my husband deserves so much more. What could be my problem? I'm not on any med's, no menopause and I still have all my parts. Please help, any advice is grearful.

[pk-mom2many]

Cucci, Are you a stay-at-home mom or do you work outside the home? Do you have outside stress from older children that no longer live in your home? (You only have four listed of the seven you mentioned.)

[70541]

Try to spice up the marrige with foreplay or try something risky that might get you caught in some way... do something exciting genuinely I feel your bored with your surroundings so have a bit more fun

[simoneaugie]

Do you and your husband spent time without the children around? Time for the two of you to focus on the primary relationship is important.

[Synnen]

Um... 6 kids in the house, and you wonder why you have no sex drive?

When's the last time you and your husband had time together, alone, without worrying about the kids in the next room or down the hall or whatever? When's the last time you didn't have at least one chore to get done in the house, but you were too exhausted to do anything more that day besides crawl into bed?

SCHEDULE date time. Maybe it's not as "romantic" as spontaneous sex, but you NEED time alone with your partner to connect and to be close, with NO outside influences.

Go someplace else once a month, even if it's to a movie and dinner, then home to an empty house because the kids are all at gramma's or something.

You don't have a sex drive because it's impossible for most women to switch roles that quickly. It's very hard to go from cook/maid/nanny to sexy wife just by going into a different room.

Get some books on romance, or find ways to put romance into the everyday for yourselves. My husband and I found the book "101 Nights of Great Romance" to be a huge help. It has tearout pages, where you take turns planning "dates" and each page has a different kind of kiss to try, plus romantic hints--like writing "I love you" in lipstick on his mirror, or him leaving you Hershey Kisses in your purse, with a note around each one telling you where on your body he'd like to put a REAL kiss.

There are TONS of inexpensive ways to put spice and romance back into a relationship, even with kids around. It just takes a bit more work, and lot more imagination than most people have.

Google "romantic ideas". About a million sites pop up. Some have great ideas, some have mediocre ideas, some of the ideas are terrible (or obviously meant for teenagers!). More than anything, though, those ideas can give YOU ideas--you can adapt those ideas to fit in with YOUR life, and your circumstances.

Choux gives a piece of excellent advice in other threads that I'm going to mention here as well (not stealing from you Choux--just want to make sure one of your best ideas is in here!). Make your bedroom a haven. Get rid of the TV in your bedroom, make it dark and sultry. Use rich fabrics, have candles, hang dark curtains. Keep massage oil on the nightstand--make your bedroom into a romantic haven that STARTS the mood for sex, in your mind. Most of all, keep your bedroom kid-free. You need to have a place that belongs to JUST you and your husband. A private place that you can escape to, just the two of you.

Your biggest sexual organ is your mind---and you have to exercise it, or it goes all flabby just like any OTHER part of your body you don't exercise. It takes so little effort to put spice in your days, really--a quick email with a message that you're not wearing panties, or a note dropped into a briefcase saying that you're thinking of running your nails down his back, and can't wait to hear what he thinks of that when you get home, whatever.

Talk about it together, use your imaginations, and I'm sure you'll come up with a TON of stuff that will spice up your sex life. The biggest thing, though, when you're busy with a family, is PLANNING for a sex life. One night a week should be devoted to staying up an hour later and focusing on each other. Or set the alarms an hour early and start your day snuggling together. You make the time for things you HATE to do in your life... make the time for something that you enjoy, as well, even if that means you have to cut something else out of your life---isn't it worth it?