[browneyesbloo]

Hi to all reading this,

I am in a relationship with someone and for sometime now, I get the feeling that I am being mentally abused by him. I say this because I can recall almost all of our arguments that we have had, I am told it is "my fault", "because of me" "because of what i may have said or not said" of "because of what i may or may have not done". After awhile I start second guessing myself and wondering perhaps it is my fault. But then, the sane, rational side of me tries to tell me "how can that be"? No one person can be at fault for everything all the time. Please I need some input, I feel so lost and so very sad in this situation

Thanks for reading, browneyesbloo

[jakester]

browneyesbloo -

Thankfully through all of this you have maintained a rational mind and been able to realize that no person can be at fault all of the time. To that I say, you are absolutely right.

We human beings can be very perverse in our thoughts at times and especially as it relates to conflict. I see it in myself at times and in my spouse, so it is part of life. Sometimes we don't like to face our own flaws and weaknesses and it's easy to blame others instead of taking a good look at ourselves.

I don't know what the answer to your problem is. That's for you to decide but if your relationship now is any indication of your future, you have a very bleak future with this "someone."

Be strong and courageous and stand up to this person and let him/her know that you think that they aren't being honest with himself/herself. Sure, you are a contributor to some of the problems but so is that person. If you cannot begin to resolve these matters between the two of you, perhaps you should seek independent counsel from a counselor... the both of you.

I don't know if this is your spouse or not but if you are not married I would seriously consider moving on because life would only get worse in a marriage and I don't think you want to go there.

[browneyesbloo]

ThanQ jakester for responding. What irony of life, you are writing from Connecticut and that is where my boyfriend is from and moved to be with me in chicago. What you wrote is true, I just need to find strength to do what I know in my heart is right

[Katho]

Sweetheart... I've been wondering the same thing for the past 6 months...
Two weeks ago I finally stood up for myself... I defended myself and held my ground... I guess you could say that I started listening to my brain instead of my heart.
Yeah... I got dumped... but after a few sleepless nights I began to realize that I am less stressed... I realized that even though I'm now alone.. it's still way better than all the false accusations, the feeling of self-doubt, and all the other stuff that I didn't do right, or say right. The last parting comment I made to him was that if I couldn't do anything right... then maybe he could go find the somebody else to mold into the perfect woman! Yes, he took me up on that offer... but I deserve better... and so do you!

[twinkiedooter]

This person is a manipulator and will keep abusing you as long as you let them. By the way, they get WORSE as time goes on so I would suggest if you value yourself esteem and sanity please rethink this lopsided relationship and move on to someone else who won't abuse you like this.

[asking]

I agree with twinkiedooeter. Here's one approach to getting started. Start a list of the arguments you have over some period of time--say a week. And write down the things he said to you and the circumstances. Do this each day while it's fresh in your mind. At the end of the week, look at the list and ask yourself if this is a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. That's what I did when I was married to an abuser and it totally clarified things for me that he had said and done all these things to me in ONE WEEK!

If you can look back and you are not sure whose fault everything was or the things he said are not so bad, you may just have serious relationship problems. And that doesn't mean it's fixable, either. The bottom line is that your relationship is destroying you instead of making you happy.

If you decide he is abusive, don't try to figure out why he is, or why he said any particular thing. It's a waste of energy. Focus on getting reconnected to friends and family, making a social network of people who will treat you well, and move forward with your life.

Good luck!

[isabelle]

It sounds as if he may be an abuser.
You are right.. no one can be the cause of everything that goes wrong. I am glad you can see this and understand that it is not your fault.
Please remember that the most dangerous time for you is if and when you decide to leave him. It may be helpful for you to call an abuse shelter for some help with this.

[mark1909]

I've had five plus years of abuse. I love the girl to bits but because I was on a dating site for a few months before I met her she thinks the worst of me. See always compares me with the worst she sees in my friends, I have given things up so as to not make the situation worse but still she finds things to pick on. The latest is because I have a laptop with a webcam then naturally I am a cyber sex freak. It's a catch 22 situation, she wants the truth but if that doesn't match what is in her head then I am lying. Realised now that it is not my problem and that I need to get out asap. Although I love her I need to stop thinking about her and move on. Not easy but I am much more rational since I went on anti depressents which to be honest are probably because she sent me that way. I now realise that the only solution is to run a mile and in record time