[mahithi]

Hi
Iam 35 years and have two kids 9 and 5.Iam happily married for 11 years. My Husband is a marketing executive and is in a very senior and responsible position. I used to work in a software firm until I had my second child and then gave up because I and my husband decided that the kids need my presence.

My hus band used to work in a different place (for almost 5years) and got transferred to the place we live now one year before our wedding.

Well the problem is about a His divorcée colleague who is at least 8 to 10 years older to him. She works at his first place of working. = This lady is also in a senior position. From what my husband says she faced lot of hardships through out her child hood and after her marriage. And he respects her a lot. And right from the first day of our wedding I was taking their relationship as a friendly one. We used to visit her place when ever we went there and some times we stay at her place also.

From her behavior I feel she feels very possessive about my husband. Even though I was taking their relationship is a friendly one this feeling of hers started pricking me. She keeps sending expensive gifts for me and my kids. When my son was born she presented very expensive gold chain and ring to my son. I do not know whether she gives all these for affection of my kids. I always felt what is the need for her to send such expensive kids?. I had small differences with her when she visited our place for a function .from then on I almost stopped talking to her. But my husband tries to convince me to talk to her when ever she calls him or he calls her. He says she does not have anyone so she looks at us for affection.

She is also in avery senior position in my husband’s office and needs lot of interaction with my husband, so officially also they keep talking quit frequently. I only started feeling very uncomfortable from the past one month when there was amissed call from her (late night). I have seen the call is from her, generally I tell my husband when ever he gets missed call. But this time I some how did not tell him. I just told there was amissed call and did not tell him who it was. Instead I asked him. Then he said it was from some other colleague. From then on I started getting doubt why should he lie if he is not doing any thing wrong. Though this lie seems to be avery small one I started thinking too much about it. My husband is known to be avery nice and decent person among family and friends and in fact I also have the same feeling.

I amnot able question him and ask him any thing, because if every thing turns to be only my imagination I would be hurting my husband which I really don’t want to do. Please let me know how I should clarify every thing with my husband with out hurting him.

[jakester]

mahithi -

I think I understand the issues as you have explained them.

For the most part, the biggest issue that I can see is that there is clearly something very inappropriate about your husband's relationship with this woman. Now, I'm not saying that there's any physical intimacy issues going on but I think that your husband is encouraging an inappropriate emotional relationship with this woman.

The fact that you feel uncomfortable with what is going on is reason enough to talk with your husband. He might feel uncomfortable as well but because of his professional relationship with her at work, he may fear jeopardizing it. Also, given his knowledge of her background, he might feel sorry for her but it's not his responsibility to be an emotional comfort to her. His responsibility is to you as his wife.

People can cheat on each other emotionally rather than physically and unfortunately I think that this is what's going on. I would talk with your husband and just explain to him that you are concerned that her level of dependence upon him has become inappropriate and you are uncomfortable with it. As your husband, he needs to take you seriously and respect that you feel the way you do, and for good reason.

From my vantage point, this relationship is clearly an inappropriate one. It is your duty as his wife to do your part and look out for your own marriage just like it is his responsibility. You have to be courageous and do what is right even if you feel uncomfortable in doing so.

Best wishes.

[iwantt0kn0w]

I just love this answer; it is so nice to run into a person who can be real.

[calgirl]

Always be aware of closeness in a relationship like that. It doesn't mean that there is something going on but it only takes that one time something would happen under circutances. The two work together and seem to build a really strong work relationship and even outside of the work place. However, you mentioned that your husband tries to get you to keep talking with her, so there must be some complaining regarding the two of there relationship. And just maybe, there have been words between the two of you regarding her calls so what he might of done to avoid an issue with you at that time of the night. Even though, that's not a reason to tell you a little white lie. But, maybe you should consider that fact till you investigate a little further, since he told you a white lie I would consider that it's OK now that you go by your suspinsion and double check places and times on him. Good luck to you and hope that your wrong

Hi
Iam 35 years and have two kids 9 and 5.Iam happily married for 11 years. My Husband is a marketing executive and is in a very senior and responsible position. I used to work in a software firm until I had my second child and then gave up because I and my husband decided that the kids need my presence.

My hus band used to work in a different place (for almost 5years) and got transferred to the place we live now one year before our wedding.

Well the problem is about a His divorcee colleague who is at least 8 to 10 years older to him. She works at his first place of working. = This lady is also in a senior position. From what my husband says she faced lot of hardships thru out her child hood and after her marriage. And he respects her a lot. And right from the first day of our wedding I was taking their relationship as a friendly one. We used to visit her place when ever we went there and some times we stay at her place also.

From her behavior I feel she feels very possessive about my husband. Even though I was taking their relationship is a friendly one this feeling of hers started pricking me. She keeps sending expensive gifts for me and my kids. When my son was born she presented very expensive gold chain and ring to my son. I do not know whether she gives all these for affection of my kids. I always felt what is the need for her to send such expensive kids?.. I had small differences with her when she visited our place for a function .from then on I almost stopped talking to her. But my husband tries to convince me to talk to her when ever she calls him or he calls her. He says she does not have anyone so she looks at us for affection.

She is also in avery senior position in my husband’s office and needs lot of interaction with my husband, so officially also they keep talking quit frequently. I only started feeling very uncomfortable from the past one month when there was amissed call from her (late night). I have seen the call is from her, generally I tell my husband when ever he gets missed call. But this time I some how did not tell him. I just told there was amissed call and did not tell him who it was. Instead I asked him. Then he said it was from some other colleague. From then on I started getting doubt why should he lie if he is not doing any thing wrong. Though this lie seems to be avery small one I started thinking too much about it. My husband is known to be avery nice and decent person among family and friends and infact I also have the same feeling.

I amnot able question him and ask him any thing, because if every thing turns to be only my imagination I would be hurting my husband which I really don’t want to do. Please let me know how i should clarify every thing with my husband with out hurting him.

[mahithi]

Thanks jakester I am gathering confidance to talk to my husband after reading your response

[talaniman]

I think knowing how you feel is why he lied, and without more to go on other than your being uncomfortable, I suggest you back off, and get your own feelings in order, before you express them to your husband.

The fact that you all interact with your husbands friend, and colleague, is a good thing, but are your reactions based on something else?

Answer that question for yourself, as you both must talk and work for a solution to be comfortable.

Thats why I think he lied, to make you feel comfortable, and that tells me there is a problem to be dealt with on your part.

Maybe a one on one honest conversation with her, is what's needed here, just to clear the air, and give you some reassurance.

[mahithi]

Except this one odd feeling I do not have any other complaints with my husband. He takes care of all the needs of me and my children. Most of the material or emotional support I get even before I realize I need it. We have a great sexual relationship too. Financially we are too well off. We both come from middle class families. What I have now I never dreamt of.

So some times I feel am I brooding too much... Nothing to worry in the real sense... so creating or imagining problems or issues that really do not exist.


When ever that lady comes down or we go to her place I take lot of stress and behave very politely and friendly with her. My only objective is not to stress my husband by misbehaving with her (he has too many official pressures). He does not have any close friends even from his collage. I can count them; they too are not very close. He is not very close to his siblings too. So I always felt this is one person who he respects or feels close. And really do not want to disappoint him. But I get stressed out when I have to behave too very well when I really don't myself

[talaniman]

You don't know her as he does, so you may not trust her as that's the way you make it sound. You want to clarify, then get to know her, and not just jump to conclusions, and be jealous about it.

[mahithi]

Yes, you may be right. But well I have not fallen on to any conclusions I believe. I am in a successful marriage for 11 years. If I did not ask my husband any thing for 11 years about my problem with this lady I will definitely take some time before confronting. That is the reason why I am here. I do not really want to mess up or hurt any one but just clarify. I do understand that my husband has lot of sympathy for this lady in fact she could tell me more to me rather than to my husband regarding the problems she faced in her failed marriage .She has 25 year old son out of that marriage. He is pampered child and jobless. I and my husband keep counseling him quite frequently. Though I have many reservations I have been doing every thing only for one reason .NOT TO HURT MY HUSBAND

[talaniman]

So what is it you really want, reassurances, from what I read.

[beautifullily]

Seems you are paranoid. Give him space let him have a friend. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to talk or having a friend to help. You said this woman has no one else to talk to really, that would be very selfish to have your husband paranoid too that he cannot talk with her. Honestly it's really none your business if he wants to talk with her, you both don't own each other and he is his own person. He didn't do anything terrible. Leave it at that.

[Chery]

It sounds to me as if you have doubts and insecurities within yourself.
What I gathered from your post without reading the replies is that they have a good working relationship and he respects her. She is divorced and alone, his senior and a generally sounds like a nice woman. Did it ever cross your mind that if and when you get that old and are lonely that you might want to 'adopt' a family too so that you have something to look forward to, such as the birth of a child, and if the money is no problem, why worry about the price of a gift? She probably feels he is the son she never had and wants to treat him and the rest of the family as part of her life. I am 57 and I would probably do the same thing. It is rare that we 'old folks' get accepted and appreciated by a younger generation - even though we have so much to give and share.

You purposely did not tell him about who called, and he knows it. He probably feels that you are offended by her calling and wanted to spare you by telling you that it was someone else. Not because he wanted to 'hide' it from you. He just did not want you to be upset again. I'm sure that she is the start of much disharmony in your mind and he just at that time did not want to 'rock the boat'.

If you are not able to 'question' him about the truth, then there is something you fear you might hear. That is insecurity on your part, not his. Be honest with him and stop looking for something big in a small picture. The best thing to do is to talk to him about your fears straight out, let him think about how you might perceive this and give him a chance to help you clear things up.

Believe me, once the truth is out, you will feel better, and also might be able to feel more comfortable with her. She might be a welcome addition to your 'family' and could substitute as a grandmother and friend. The key here is to communicate openly and regain peace of mind.

jakester could also be right, but you will not be reassured one way or the other unless you do have that heart to heart talk with your husband.

As Talaniman said, you need a one on one honest conversation with your husband, and ask yourself what other things you are currently unhappy about.

Depending on his family upbringing, he just might be more comfortable around serious older people instead of a social group of his peers and there is nothing wrong with that. If you have too much time to 'brood' try joining a social group of your peers or find a hobby that you'd enjoy doing. Get more involved with other activities with your children. You might just be a little bored and need a 'filler'.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

Sometimes if we look at the whole picture without pre-judgement, the picture turns out better than we thought it would.

The kids in my neighborhood enjoy the coloring books I make for them - and it does not mean I'm out looking to 'catch' their Dads.. We 'grannies' don't like to think life is over at 49 - if you know what I mean.

[mahithi]

Hi Chery,

Thanks a Lot. I could see every thing when I was reading your response. I cold never see through her eyes. I felt like this post was given by her self. Now I can call her more happily (with out my husband asking me to do that).

Its never like I rejected her. I too used to feel that when he has no one to speak to and if this is one lady a part from me whom he can talk to then I should not break it. I would be more happy if she is enjoying sharing with us. As I told you I know more about her than my husband.

Let me tell you after I gave up my job(I am a system software engineer giving up that job was too much. My husband gave me 2 years time, he was waiting patiently for me to give up the job to lookafter the kids), now I take my kids to many hobby classes(Classical dance, Roller skating, Painting classes and chess). I have lot of friends. And I enjoy being with them.

I am surprised every thing seems to be so clear after reading your mail. Thanks for such an eloborate and detail message.

Thank you very much

Love mahi

[talaniman]

Chery helps us ALL see things clearer. She is just like that!