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ana101 · Sep 30, 2008, 11:08 PM

So I met this so called lovely guy.
We took our kids out on our first date and had a ball. We talked on the phone like 5 times a day and saw each other a few times a week.
He lived with his house mate (who was a girl) and every now and then they would mess around. They only did it once whilst I was seeing him. He begged for another chance so I gave it to him. I know we weren't fully together so it doesn't constitute for cheating. But it still hurt because she was still there.
For 3 weeks he put up with me (I couldn't handle her living there) he even got in his car after I drove off, he came after me.
He told me he loved me, and would even wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me.
He would say the nicest things and treated me really well. He even kept saying move in so I can see you more.
But then after one weekend I get a call saying it over. Then 2 weeks later we spoke and he said he missed me and still loves me. I texted him that weekend and told him it was unfair and selfish. And he told me he did mean it, but he didn't want to get mine or his hopes up just yet. What does that mean?
Now I haven't heard from him since. I have messaged him, he hasn't replied.
The worst part is that I told him if he wants me out of his life for good, then to just tell me. He has never told me he wants me out of his life though.
What do I do?

jrebel7 · Sep 30, 2008, 11:29 PM

Sounds like perhaps you messed up his play house. He saw something in you he really desired, had a good time but when he got found out and you had a problem with it, he had a decision to make. It sounds to me that he has made his decision.

Most guys are not the greatest when it comes to confrontation or forthrightness in being clear about relationships. They generally walk or run in the other direction or keep being polite but non-committal until the girl gets the message, gets tired of being jerked around and moves on. That way, they don't have to feel guilty because the girl was the one who made the choice. I wish you the best.

It sounds like this was a fast and furious relationship that had no time to really build a good foundation. Your children have now been exposed to a new person in your life that is now, by all appearances, gone. You are hurting. I have to tell you I truly am sorry you are feeling confused and hurt but when you ask "What do I do?" I would suggest that you just simply disappear from his life. You don't have to tell him. He didn't tell you. But you must make a resolve in your own mind if you do this, to be done with this guy so if he texts or calls, you can just not answer and move on with your life and perhaps be a little more cautious in how fast you move into a relationship with the next person you date.

ana101 · Sep 30, 2008, 11:46 PM

When I spoke to him though he thought it would have worked.
And he said hopefully in the near future.
What's that mean

jrebel7 · Sep 30, 2008, 11:58 PM

Ana, it is possible that he is trying to resolve issues with the roommate. I shared the way I did because he has not answered your message. I believe if he was truly trying to work something out so you and he could have a relationship, he would be sharing what steps he is taking to accomplish it and asking you to be understanding until he can get the girl moved out. You sound like a sensitive, caring person and I am sad that he has not gotten in contact with you. Maybe I am just too jaded but if he was with the roommate sexually once when you and he were together, this has been going on and probably still is. I don't say this to hurt you and you and I both know there is no way you or I could know for sure. Life just brings some hurtful times and once that line has been crossed with someone living in the same house, it would be difficult to turn that down. I hope for your sake, he gets a hold of you and lets you know what is going on but again, my suggestion is still to move on. When we go through things and can't move on, sometimes, we just have to hang in there until we hurt so bad, we can't take it any longer and then we have wasted so much time. As I said, if he had been taking active steps to rectify the situation, my advice would be different. Please keep in touch!

ana101 · Oct 1, 2008, 12:07 AM

He is a very stubborn person
I spoke to his house mate, we sorted out our difference, she now lives in Queensland. She was telling me how much he liked me and she had never seen him act the way he did around me to another girl.
After they slept together and I found out. He told me he told her I was going to be sticking around. And that he liked me a lot.
I know he isn't the one to make the first move, although he did when we last spoke.

jrebel7 · Oct 1, 2008, 12:22 AM

Ana, I can see why you are holding on to this hope of you and he working this out. He expressed such love. Actions speak louder than words though sometimes. What do you see as your options here?

You say he is a very stubborn person. Are you sure you want a stubborn man in your life and in the lives of your children or do just miss the fun you had when you and he dated for the time it was good? Just something to think about. I want the best for you and your children. Only you know what that is... when we post on this site, we are operating on a minimal amount of information so we just try to share and give some encouragement or good solid advice from our own experiences and information we have gathered through the years.

I am not trying to talk you into exiting him out of your life. I am just sharing some thoughts that came to my mind as I read your post. The choice is certainly yours and you are the only one who can know what will make you happy.

If he won't answer your messaging, what would be your next step?

I have to go to bed now. I have an early appointment so only a few hours to sleep. Don't feel defeated by what I have shared. Mull it over. Tomorrow others will see your posts and share also. Maybe that will help also to give you more perspective and perhaps others will have some sage advice that will give you more than I have been able to give. I will check back tomorrow though so post more as you think of things you might want to share. Good night for now. Take Care!

ana101 · Oct 1, 2008, 12:36 AM

He is only stubborn when it comes to things like this.
I feel like I a defending him. I am glad you shared what you wrote with me. Gives me some perspective.
He was just so good with my little girl, I think that's what hurts the most. I was so cautious to get kids involved and I told him from day one, you hurt me you hurt my child. She is switched on. And asks for him
My next step is going to see him. I have no answers. He just broke up with me. I have no idea why he did it.
I don't know I am holding onto the fact that he maybe wants to just have some time apart. He did after all write I don't want to get your or my hopes up just yet. I just thought that meant something.
He was really nice, and cautious to. We never met the parents because I think that is a serious thing. He would always tell me I am a keeper though.
I get the feeling he wants the chase.
I mean after all he wouldn't have told me he loved me if he didn't mean it.

jrebel7 · Oct 1, 2008, 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by ana101

he is only stubborn when it comes to things like this.
i feel like i a defending him. i am glad you shared what you wrote with me. gives me some perspective.
he was just so good with my little girl, i think thats what hurts the most. i was so cautious to get kids involved and i told him from day one, you hurt me you hurt my child. she is switched on. and asks for him
my next step is going to see him. i have no answers. he just broke up with me. i have no idea why he did it.
i dont know i am holding onto the fact that he maybe wants to just have some time apart. he did after all write i dont want to get your or my hopes up just yet. i just thought that meant something.
he was really nice, and cautious to. we never met the parents because i think that is a serious thing. he would always tell me i am a keeper though.
i get the feeling he wants the chase.
i mean after all he wouldnt have told me he loved me if he didnt mean it.

Ana, how long did you date the man and how many children does he have? Do his children live with him? Just thought a little more information would be good.

ana101 · Oct 1, 2008, 09:05 PM

5 months. He has one child. I have one child.
No his child doesn't live with him.
I did just talk to him about just catching up. He has just gone back to work after he broke his hand. So he is very busy.
But I did ask him if he still had feelings for me. And he said yes, just not to push it.
He said we will talk when I get back from my holiday. Which is in like 1 week. I am only going away for 5 days.

jrebel7 · Oct 1, 2008, 10:46 PM

Originally Posted by ana101

5 months. he has one child. i have one child.
no his child doesnt live with him.
i did just talk to him about just catching up. he has just gone back to work after he broke his hand. so he is very busy.
but i did ask him if he still had feelings for me. and he said yes, just not to push it.
he said we will talk when i get back from my holiday. which is in like 1 week. i am only going away for 5 days.

Thank you for the additional information Ana! I hope that touching base with him has given you some peace in your heart knowing you will be visiting again soon. Again, I wish you the best.

ana101 · Oct 1, 2008, 10:47 PM

Thank you!

jrebel7 · Oct 1, 2008, 10:52 PM

Sure! If you need to post between now and the time you visit with him, don't hesitate. As I said, others will run onto the post soon and have good things to share. Sometimes it just helps to type what we are feeling, helps us get some perspective. This is what the site is all about. Glad you have joined us!

pimp_mah_alpaka · Oct 1, 2008, 10:59 PM

Sweety, there are five words I want you to remember
1. Actions
2. Speak
3. Louder
4. Than
5. Words
And what he's portraying to you, is that you're his door mat and by the sounds of it- he enjoys walking all over you to the point where your worn out. You deserve 100000% better and you deserve a man who'll treat you right. Who cares about him now, he wants to ignore you fine. But don't linger on the past.. More focus on your kids and you'll see- a man will come knocking right on your doorstep (not literally :) but you'll find him)

ana101 · Oct 1, 2008, 11:54 PM

He did.
I am the one who drove him away.
He said we will catch up soon and talk about it. Since he still has feelings for me.
I get he wants space.

Chery · Oct 2, 2008, 03:02 AM

What you get when he says he wants space and time, is exactly that, so why not try and do so..
You've only know each other for 5 months, and not promised exclusivity. He did tell you that he had a house-mate and that she is gone now. She did have positive things to say about him, so I would guess that he is pretty much upfront with communicating.

He has not promised you any more than what he can give you - and that is time to get to know him, and time to share with your child, who he obviously likes, and she likes him.

When we meet someone, we cannot expect them to turn their lives up-side down within the next 24 hours just because that's what we want or expect. He should not expect that from you either.

If the time that you two shared was quality time, and the stress was due to you expecting him to committ too soon, put on the brakes, give him time to prove that you can trust him and that he can trust you not to want to change his entire world around. He needs his space, you need yours, then comes the space that you both share together. In the beginning of a relationship we should not make demands - we should find out what makes one tick, get to know them, trust them, and hold back a few other things for later. What's the hurry?

So wait until he 'catches up' during that time, he will get the change to reflect on his goals and also get a chance to miss you - I see nothing wrong with that.

The only risk I see here is someone rushing things, so relax, get back to normal, take care of business. If this is supposed to wind up something permanent, it will, with or without your help. Some men just like to be in charge and not be pushed into things - they are capable of deciding what to do next, just as well as we are. Not all men are born jerks and I'm sure you know how a common jerk acts by now. If he shows no indication of a jerk yet, don't automatically assume that he is - he just might surprise you if you give him the chance.

Sometimes men and women need a good translating program while communicating - just make sure your's is working.

Good luck.

ana101 · Oct 2, 2008, 03:55 AM

I didn't say I love you first.
And every time he said I should move up there, I was like I cant.
I never rushed things, I think he did. And freaked.
We talked today and he said that once I got back from my trip we will talk.
He still has feelings for me, he told me.
I don't think he knows what he is capable of yet.
I read guys dish out a lot of when they are scared to tell their friends how they really feel about someone, is that true?
We had so much in common, and had such a good time.
He didn't even like girls crying and when I did, he consoled me. It was sweet.
Also after a fight I walked out got in my car and went to drive home. He got in his car and found me.

ana101 · Oct 2, 2008, 04:06 AM

She didn't say nice things about him.
But the housemate and I never got along.
But once she had gone she was being really nice, and saying that she knows he really liked me and stuff.
And that did mean a lot to me.
I just want him to see I have changed is all.

zawatska · Oct 2, 2008, 04:12 AM

Sounds like you're blaming yourself. He was the one who "cheated" even though you guys weren't together or officially a couple like you say, there's still a boundary. I know I don't go around saying I love you to people, and then get in bed with someone else! That's just a dirty lowdown thing to do. Screw wanting him to see you've changed! He should prove he has changed!

ana101 · Oct 2, 2008, 04:27 AM

I am blaming myself for letting myself fall for him
But he told me he loved me a few weeks after it happened.
And when I left. Begged for a second chance

zawatska · Oct 2, 2008, 05:49 AM

Don't blame yourself for falling for him... it could still work out if u want it to, and you can learn something from this for the next time you fall for someone. You can't help who you like or love. Everyone deserves a second chance if u want to give one.