[Ema _]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years (Engaged since Feb 08 ). He went out on a rare occasion with his friends and due to him not being a big drinker he got totally drunk. While walking (or staggering) out of the club there was a girl on her own who he ended up walking back to near where we live and she offered him sex, which due to his state he couldn't do - instead she performed oral sex.
3 days later he complains of a rash - and while I think its somehing to do with our fabric conditioner I am totally unaware that he is thinking he has herpes.
2 am he declares what happened stating he is letting me know cause he thinks he has herpes? (although he states he was racked with guilt and that's why he told me) and after having a sleepless night I asked work if I could have the rest of the week off and explained what happened. One thing I would like to note here is
a) I moved to this location for him only
b) I had recently been made redundant and am now in a new very demanding job... 1 week 2 days in and I'm going off work with a broken heart... not very professional.
c)I have no family or friends near. Some old work mates 15 miles away and family 40 miles away.

I have been with a friend for 4 days and haven't mentioned this to my mum and dad
Ive told 4 of my friends and all have been fab, they say ying and yang point of views... with for and against... and logical things like that.
I have come back to his flat and asked him to go stay with his friends or family as I need to sort my head out - hence why Im here.

This was totally out of charcter for him and he is very remorsful as I expected BUT Im hurt sore and want to leave but all the while I loved the stability we had, all the laughs we enjoyed and the general secureness felt with working relationships.

Now its all gone and I feel empty

One minute I want to resolve it, but Ive been so negative Ive done nothing but focus on ALL of his bad points which makes me not want to go backwards at all... let alone the thought of another woman..

Please can someone help me with this dilemma of whether to get back and stay in my new found job or do I go back to where my friends and family are and start all over again?

Hope you can help

Kind regards

Emma

[Romefalls19]

The question you have to ask yourself is if you can forgive him and never bring this up again, to fully trust him and not hold this over his head.

Personally, I say to end it, he cheated on you and then wasn't going to tell you, what if he did have herpes and gave it to you?

[JBeaucaire]

I, too, am pretty big on "accountability" and actions should have consequences. But, I guess it's worth noting that at some point, the love-attraction-selfish is given the chance to turn into something bigger... love-commitment-sacrifice.

To acquire Love-Commitment-Sacrifice, you need to have passed the point of "all or nothing" thinking. Sacrificial love can bear anything, it can forgive anything. It DOESN'T FORGET... but it can forgive.

Accountable-forgiving love lets you forgive him and not even consider throwing in the towel, but you DO make the changes and adjustments in your lives to eliminate the possibility of recurrence and add clear checks and confirmations. With the forgiveness from you, he gives up on the whole "just trust me" attitude and submits to your examinations anytime/anywhere.

But all of that is only worth thinking about if you two have reached the point where you can operate at that level. This is how marriages last 60 years... not because no one ever screws up or only makes little mistakes, but because the "give up on us" option is off the table most of the time.

So, where are you in this? If your relationship isn't ready for this kind of openness, forgiveness, and accountability, then you'll have seriously consider ending it... but you don't have to...

If you decide to stay, even if you haven't forgiven him fully yet, you can't punish him over and over, but you can require absolute accountability of his whereabouts at all times for 1 year or so. That's reasonable and he SHOULD understand the benefit of that.

[talaniman]

To throw 4 years away because of one drunken night, is not a very good indication of the relationship, nor your commitment.

Before you make up your mind, let the emotional dust settle, and take the time to really think about this whole situation.

There is no hurry, so work it out within yourself, and then talk about it honestly, and you both can resolve this issue together.

Good healthy relationship don't just fall apart, at the first sign of trouble.