Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    gaalstoria's Avatar
    gaalstoria Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Sep 24, 2008, 10:52 AM
    BF was with a prostitute in Amsterdam before we met
    I recently found out that my boyfriend of a little over a year visited a prostitute for his 21st birthday in the Red Light Disctrict of Amsterdam while he was studying abroad in London (7 yrs ago). He said it was just oral (which I don't believe). He was laughing when he told me, but not in the "I'm joking way", he just didn't think it was that big a deal.

    I'm HORRIFIED. This absolutely blows my mind. He's one of those over-achiever investment bankers, extremely attractive and social. I never in a million years would have thought he would tell me this. Now I can't even look at him, so disgusted am I with this information. He joked that he was stoned and drunk (Amsterdam, 21st birthday... ), but I still can't fathom someone doing something like this. I cried the entire day after he told me, because I feel like he's a totally different person to me now.

    Another issue this has created is with his roommate. She's Russian and a former model. No one's really sure where her money comes from, and we all joke that she's a stripper "or worse" (there's also an issue about whether she was a mail-order bride because she either was or is married at 23 but has nothing at all to do with her "husband" now). She's been late with rent twice, her check just bounced again this month and he recently caught her smoking in the apartment yet he's maked no effort to evict her. I never really gave it much thought before, but knowing now what I do, I feel like they've probably been sleeping together for the entire 8 months she's been there as "payment"

    Before all of this, I felt so deeply in love. We talked about a future together, and he's been adamant about our families meeting soon. He's been so supportive and doting, he genuinely treats me better and more thoughtfully than just about anyone I've ever known. Is this something I could possibly get over/should get over or is it time to move on?
    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,482, Reputation: 2992
    Uber Member
     
    #2

    Sep 24, 2008, 11:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by gaalstoria View Post
    Is this something I could possibly get over/should get over or is it time to move on?
    Hello ga:

    I'm blown away that you're blown away by his behavior. I guess some people still wear rose colored glasses.

    In my view, this is something you SHOULD get over, because you're going to find out OTHER human traits that he has, and they'll blow you away too.

    If those are beyond your expectations, better move on.

    excon
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #3

    Sep 24, 2008, 11:10 AM

    First, what your boyfriend did 7 years ago, especially when he was 21, should have nothing to do with you. Why you would be so horrified is beyond me. But it really doesn't say a lot about your relationship with him.

    On the other hand, he took on a female roommate AFTER you started dating him and this hasn't bothered you for 8 months? That doesn't make sense to me.
    gaalstoria's Avatar
    gaalstoria Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    Sep 24, 2008, 11:23 AM

    It's this particular thing that he did which to me goes to the heart of his character that bothers me, to know he's apparently the type of person to do this (he and I go to church just about every Sunday - I really never expected something of this sort). I'm not sure what you mean by this "not saying a lot" about our relationship. Between writing love songs and poetry and then running the chairty he does in her free time, visiting a hooker is simply NOT something that would come to mind.

    Obviously my 1st choice for his roommate wasn't this girl or really any girl in general, however at the time I was living with 2 roommates myself, one female and one male, and we got the male roommate about 4 months after boyfriend and I met. BF's old roommate lost his job and split town quickly. BF spent over a month looking for a roommate to fill the space, but rent in his luxury building is crazy expensive and this girl was the only one willing to move in. It wasn't my ideal situation, but it is what it is and all I can do is accept it and not be paranoid (until now)
    Dragonfly1234's Avatar
    Dragonfly1234 Posts: 161, Reputation: 49
    Junior Member
     
    #5

    Sep 24, 2008, 11:39 AM

    I think you should at least give him credit for his honesty. Had he kept this from you, you would've been on here in couple of years starting a thread about what you JUST found out and his lack of honesty etc. and writing about how you could have forgiven him had he been honest with you from the beginning. I don't believe you can hold this against him. This was 7 years ago. I don't know very many people who only do things people approve of all their lives, and those who do are not happy. So he lived a little when he was 21. What you should be basing this on is his behaviour now, 7 years later. It doesn't sound like he does anything that's remotely frowned upon now. If you feel you can't trust him, it should be because of his actions while dating you. I'm not saying everyone needs to disregard everyone else's past all the time but I don't think this is severe enough for you to consider dumping him over it.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Sep 24, 2008, 11:41 AM

    "It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in the past. Nothing is as far away as one minute ago."

    If you dwell on the past, then you will miss out in the present. You can't fault him for something he did 7 years ago! That's wrong, it's like condemning you for dating a drug addict 7 years ago. You were both different people before you met, people change everyday, I'm sure you two aren't the same as you were when you first started dating, should you fault each other for that as well?
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #7

    Sep 24, 2008, 11:54 AM

    What I'm saying is that what a person is like at 21 and 28 can be very different. You fell in love with the person he is NOW, not the person he was 7 years ago. I really find it ridiculous to be horrified over his seeing a prostitute when he was 21 yet to not be horrified that he took in a female roommate after you started dating. I see a difference between multiple roomates of mixed gender and 2 roommates of mixed gender. Not that I think anything is happening between them, but we are discussing your attitude towards him.

    Bottomline is forget about what happened when he was 21. Its really immaterial to the person he is now.
    fjsmith81's Avatar
    fjsmith81 Posts: 122, Reputation: 11
    Junior Member
     
    #8

    Sep 24, 2008, 12:08 PM

    Would you feel better if he had a string of one night stands??
    21 year old boys are just that, boys. Don't hold that againset him. Now if you said that seven days ago he went to Amsterdam and he paid a prostitute then you should have a problem.

    I can understand your concern with the roommate situation, but only if you always had a problem with. You can't be OK with something and then eight months later wake up and realize that you have a problem. If it bothers you that much that you think that it will affect your relationship then move on, but I will tell you this, a lot of people have a lot of skeletons in their closet, and you will be very surprised. My advice don't worry about it, it is something that happened in the past, way before he met you, and you can't change the past.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,305, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #9

    Sep 24, 2008, 12:09 PM

    Yes the reason I won't run for political office I would never want what I did when I was young to ever become public.

    To be honest had he been with a dozen hookers before you meet it is none of your business and should not even be an issue in your relationship. Who he is now and what he does now is the issues
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
    Ultra Member
     
    #10

    Sep 24, 2008, 01:16 PM

    Whatever you do don't start accusing him of sleeping with the roommate. All because she was married once doesn' make her a mail order bride. If your boyfriend has her living there rent free then that's his problem.

    If you feel you can't let it go about what he did, then it's best to leave. If you don't leave don't hold it over his head.

    You stated this guy treat you better than any other guy, so you know how hard it's to find someone that's treats you good. Clear your head and let it go or leave, you choose. I think this isn't worth breaking up over because it happen 7 years ago. It didn't happen 7 days or 7 months ago it happen long before you came in the picture, remember that.
    DonaldM_23's Avatar
    DonaldM_23 Posts: 86, Reputation: 10
    Junior Member
     
    #11

    Sep 24, 2008, 01:22 PM

    Don't be surprise or upset it happen before he knew you. Let the past go and move on.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
    Ultra Member
     
    #12

    Sep 24, 2008, 05:13 PM

    I remember when I was driving through Wisconsin and hearing that some guy had been arrested there for having sex with a dead dear on the side of the highway. He was literally doing it with a dear... that was dead on the side of the highway when a patrol car just pulled up and arrested him. It was a not a human... it was a dear... and it was not even a dead human... it was a dead dear. He didn't even pull it into the woods. Just right there on the side of the highway. That guy you should never date.

    Your boyfriend dropped a twenty for oral 7 years ago. Cut him a break.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
    Software Expert
     
    #13

    Sep 24, 2008, 10:17 PM

    Going to church is about learning to do better tomorrow than I did today, and definitely better than I did 7 years ago. To condemn a viable present relationship for past unrelated sins is downright silly. Understandable? Of course... but still silly.

    I'm glad you state this problem as an issue YOU are having. It is your issue.

    Seriously... pick some stupid thing you did growing up but would never, EVER do now... got one in mind? OK, now imagine your guy finding out and breaking up with you over it, permanently.

    How fair does that seem now?
    bigdee's Avatar
    bigdee Posts: 132, Reputation: 20
    Junior Member
     
    #14

    Sep 25, 2008, 08:59 AM

    If you have an issue with what he did in the past, that is something you need to deal with... because he has. He was upfront and honest about it. If that is a deal breaker for you, then let him know and end it. There is nothing for him to do, no need for him to apologize or try to make amends of any sort.

    Also I obviously don't know the details but your attitude towards his roommate sounds a little mean. Who knows were her money is coming from but to insinuate someone is a stripper or hooker or a mail-order bride without knowing all the facts is disrespectful. Maybe she has rich parents? I know plenty of young adults her age who still get money from their parents. However you have a legit reason to feel uncomfortable that he lives with her. Tell him so and if he respects your feelings then he'll rectify the situation.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,288, Reputation: 10853
    Expert
     
    #15

    Sep 25, 2008, 09:43 AM

    I think now would be a good time to express your honest feelings to him, and see what happens between you.

    I can respect how you feel, but you aren't my g/f, and in a relationship, how you relate to each other over these very issues is what will make, or break it. Good luck.
    ANB428's Avatar
    ANB428 Posts: 450, Reputation: 42
    Full Member
     
    #16

    Sep 25, 2008, 09:48 AM

    The past is past. There are a lot of things that bother me about my boyfriends past, but there is nothing that I can do to change that.
    h0llister's Avatar
    h0llister Posts: 335, Reputation: 15
    Full Member
     
    #17

    Sep 25, 2008, 09:55 AM

    My boyfriend used to be a player (before we met)! I didn't like it but I see him as who he is now. Because everyone has skeletons in the closet. As long as it isn't who he is now, its OK, don't worry.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Cheapest way to go from london to amsterdam [ 3 Answers ]

Hey guys, I am on a very tight budget, please suggest the cheapest wway of getting from london to amsterdam. Thanks so much!

Will amsterdam allow convicted felons to enter the country [ 2 Answers ]

:confused: I am trying to fly to amsterdam this summer to visit some friends, and I need to find out what is the best way to enter the country. Thanks for your help.

Young unwilling prostitute [ 2 Answers ]

I can't remember 90% of the song, its almost like sublime with matchbox 20 mix... about a 12-14 year old girl forced to sell herself by her dad.

Coffee shop in amsterdam. [ 6 Answers ]

Can someone please tell me the name of this shop in amsterdam? I don't know much about it apart from it has this art work on the wall... http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3034/2370218424_ca4a1a0828_o.jpg What's the name of it? Where is it?

Accommodations in amsterdam [ 1 Answers ]

I'm HEADING TO AMSTERDAM with my boyfriend for 6 days I was wondering if ne knows of cheap accomidation in amsterdam that also won't kill the romance. I was also wondering if ne has any suggestions of places to see; he is into rock music and is a bit of an artist, he loves the hash 2. I...


View more questions Search