[loren j]

My ex and I recently broke up-around July-(but have only really been apart for 5 weeks). He initiated it but I also kind of pushed for it as well, so I would say it was mutual. I felt it coming on for a while and each day I would say to myself, I need to move on-but just held on a little hoping it might get better. I did have true love for him but could no longer tolerate his bad habits, excessive alcohol and porn, secretiveness, and he lied to me several times. He did try to make true amends after the lies and made genuine effort to change but it never lasted long.

My role in the breakup was that I became very confining and mistrusting of him due to his lies and broken promises. I stayed with him midway through our relationship because after lying to me (and I said it was over), he seemed genuinely remorseful and did try hard for a while... but slipped back into his ways.

After the initial break, I held my ground, withheld sex, and proceeded to get a place of my own.

I was not going to be sweet talked into sex if he was not serious about reconciliation. He asked for reconciliation only days after the initial break, wanted to remain exclusive, go to counseling, etc... just needed some space to chill out. I agreed but I never saw his actions match those words. He would roller coaster from cold and distant, acting unaffected by the loss, to being back to seeming genuinely confused-afraid to lose me-seemed depressed, then back to cutting up around guy buddies and walking around humming as if he felt free and elated. The roller coaster emotions were very confusing to me. In the last month together I did reject him pretty strongly by sticking to my values, withholding the "I Love you too word", etc... until I could see clear proof he was serious, not just keeping me on an emotional leash as "backup plan B girl".

After I left there was still some contact, but very little. When I actually told him that I was OK with the split, agreed to the break, etc... he seemed catapulted into a confused and panicked state and sent a long email about being confused, said he thought I didn't want him so he was not pursuing me for that reason, said he was hurting, angry, confused, and still loved me with all his heart, had never loved anyone in his life as much as me... etc... One friend said, yet again, this was just his way of keeping me on that backup leash by tugging at my heartstrings, etc... A relative of mine basically told him to quit leading me on, don't email me, and to S_ _ T or get off the pot. Well, he got off the pot and I haven't heard from him.

Also, it wasn't a week that I had been gone that he was already going out (and we're talking overnight visits), with someone else. Wow-that quick ? Where do you find someone that quick because a friend made a statement that he "already had a new girl" about a week ago, referring to since I have been gone-not before. I don't know how involved they are, if he met this girl in a bar after I left, I really don't know for sure that he is even really involved-but I do know he has had overnight visits for a fact. I also know for a fact that he didn't fool around on me prior to the break (at least physically).
I figured he'd do the one night stand thing to boost his ego and get sex... but if he really loved me, am I that disposable ? Some say he felt rejected, lined up a backup girl and pounced as soon as I left due to his nature of being insecure, and wanting to feel loved. I say if he really loved me he would be knocking at the door trying to win me back. I know he is prideful and also has the added stress from his (rather unsavory, single, lonely, bachelor buddies egging him on with "why buy the cow when the milk is free elsewhere") comments, and the pressure from my relative of telling him to basically leave me alone. So, even if he wanted to contact me he will not due to these reasons.

I am moving on and making great strides, but obviously not completely over him or I wouldn't even be posting this question.

So, was this guy already out the door, over me ? Or is this instant rebound out of feeling rejected and needing to fill the void ? He did seem to genuinely love me, but if he did, why isn't he hurting, contacting me ? Is it really possible that the second he had sex with another he could simply write my name on a piece of paper, flush it down the toilet and call it good ? Or, is this girl just a band aid for his broken heart ?

My family and friends have carefully analyzed our relationship, and based on the things he did to (show) he loved me, have said that they believe he really did, but just couldn't change who he really was. Basically, loved me... but not enough to let go of his old ways that aren't conducive to a healthy relationship. A few girlfriends (some very jaded by men though), also said a man will do what he has to do just to keep a good, steady thing around, but he was never sincere... basically... I was manipulated.

With that said, I am trying to figure out if he ever truly loved me so I can learn from this and not be taken by manipulative lies in the future.

He ended things with the "I'm just not good enough for you" statement-that he also made several times throughout our relationship-one time he was shamefully crying as he said it. When he says it he seems ashamed, genuinely hurt, and seems to mean it. But he could also just be trying to let me down easy.

I know this is a rather long question but I wanted to paint a clear picture of the relationship. I would appreciate some thoughtful and insightful answers. BTW-we are both divorced, over 35 years old, and had been together for over a year so we are not teenagers and were in a very committed relationship.

Bottom line... did this guy ever really love me, simply let me go because he knew he couldn't change?. or was I a victim of a manipulator ?

[redwee74]

This is a hard one to answer. He could be doing all three. He may HAVE loved you but his confusion has got the best of him. The doubt over powered the love so it would probably never work out. The jest is to move on and find someone who you are happy with and they are happy with you. It will take awhile but you can do it. Stick in there and quit worring about him and start making yourself your main concern.

It sounds to me that his insercurities have made him go for the rebound and if someone can do that quickly I feel that they were already heading out the door on this relationship. So the more I think about this one the more I think he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. You are better than this, he is a mess and you need to wash your hand of him. You can not save him, let him go and find green pastures.

[talaniman]

You really need to stop analyzing his motives, and let him go. Sometimes there is no reason why, people do what they do.

[JBeaucaire]

All love is real. Just because he's moved on NOW does not require you to suspect his motives, nor your own, from early on. No reason at all.

In the beginning, it's best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. In the end, it's best to walk away without analyzing OTHERS, only yourself. As long as you did your best, this isn't a failure. If you didn't, then YOU do better next time.

Let him worry about his own motives himself.

[BrewCrew0981]

JB, as usual, said it best. Nothing you can do but take it all as a learning experience, knowing you did the best you knew how to at the time. The rest is just background static in the new symphony that is your life.