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toohz · May 15, 2006, 11:32 PM

Is it wrong to push my fiancé into getting a semen analysis? Its been 2 yrs of trying. 1 yr of waiting for him to get the test and I cracked. I went off. Now I feel guilty because I feel like I have pushed him into doing something he doesn't really want to do. He does want kids but not as much as I do (he could wait a couple more years) I just wonder if what I have done makes me a real ***** or if I did the right thing and let him know exactly how I feel?? :confused:

Stormy69 · May 15, 2006, 11:45 PM

If he doesn't want to have the analysis done, then perhaps he doesn't want children as much as you do, in which case it is better to know that now then AFTER the child is born, this can bring forth a lot of resentment on both halves. It has been my experience that men who really don't want to have a baby are very likely to not participate ( as much or at all) in the care of the baby,, this makes a lot more work for Mom and can be detrimental to a marriage.I think you were very right however in expressing your feelings and letting him know how you feel. Good luck to you.

valinors_sorrow · May 16, 2006, 03:52 AM

Is semen analysis now a part of prenuptials? :o

I get the sense there is a whole lot of conversation missing in this picture?

Its been my experience that frank, honest discussion has the amazing ability to solve a lot of things. :)

fredg · May 16, 2006, 04:15 AM

Hi,
Your fiancé`? He isn't your husband?
I can understand why he doesn't want the test. You aren't married, and he doesn't want the commitment.
A good relationship is based on compromise, trusting, caring, and wanting the other to be happy; many times doing things you might not want, but doing for the other.
After being married now for 29 yrs, with a previous Divorce after 7 yrs, been there... done that!
Have a serious talk with him, and find out honestly if he even wants children. I would have second thoughts of having children with my girlfriend (that is, many, many years ago).
You might talk with him about marriage, or are you two just living together, for a long, long time to come?
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

talaniman · May 16, 2006, 12:45 PM

You guys ned to talk some more.

Fr_Chuck · May 16, 2006, 02:08 PM

Well it should be your husband and you should be waiting till you are married to be trying ( OK that is the preacher part of this)

But men don't want to admit, and esp to ever find out, that they are not pure man, killing the wild beast and bringing it home for the women to cook.

For a man not having a "good" sperm count in their mind can be the same as saying they are not a full and true man. ( this is not true but it is what many men think)

So first he does not most likely want to go into a lab and put a sample into a dish. ( honestly I would have an issue with it myself) but mostly he is scared that he may not have a good sperm count.

But how hard have you been trying these two years, have you used various methods to time when you have sex. No sex during non furtile times and trying to be very close to temp changes and the such when furtile times are most likely. Even then it can take months if it does happen.

Getting pregnant is not a for sure, some people can look at each other and almost become, others can't.

If he does not want to, and you force him, this can cause possible serious issues years latter and all types of resentment. Talk about it yes, but if he does not want to go , he just does not want to go and forcing will add stress to a relatonship.

Next it may be possible that as a couple you two will never had kids, many couples don't or can't. So you have to also accept the fact that while you want kids it may or may not happen.

A marriage should be based on the love to people have for each other, not set plans on what each other will or won't do in the future.

It also sounds like each of you may or may not have seriously different plans for the future, as stated some serious talk needs to take place.

If you have not already had pre marriage counseling, please do it. Most pastors require it now.

talaniman · May 16, 2006, 05:23 PM

Have you also been checked to see if you can conceive?

s_cianci · May 17, 2006, 11:23 AM

Well if he has a lick of sense at all he's probably waiting until you say "I do" before he thinks about giving you a baby. But, forearmed with the knowledge that you are, he may have a low sperm count. How about you? Do you have any children? If not, then the problem could be with you. Either way, I believe it'd be wrong for you to try to force him to have a semen analysis. This has to be something he does of his own free will and accord. You can always consider adoption.

Wildcat21 · May 17, 2006, 12:34 PM

I don't think it's wrong at all. WHY would you marry someone AND THEN find out the results you need to IF this MIGHT be a DEAL BREAKER for you.

If he loved you this would not be a concern. Although I don't think this should have ANY bearing on your relationship - DO YOU LOVE HIM? Or do you want kids more?

Because there is always adoption.

This should not even be any type of factor in getting married. You should UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE HIM OR DO NOT GET MARRIED BECAUSE I KNOW THIS WILL END IN DIVORCE, NO QUESTION.

toohz · May 17, 2006, 07:31 PM

Fr Chuck stated He is scared and I didn't look at it from the way that he said it, so thankx for opening my eyes in that respect. We are both not very religious people and we don't see why we have to get married before we have kids. Marriage is just a bit of paper. I don't see why every one says you aren't committed if you don't get married. We know within ourselves that we want to be with each other for the rest of our lives and we don't need a piece of paper to verify that. We work hard on our relationship as everyone does and I know within myself that I already am married to him.

valinors_sorrow · May 17, 2006, 07:43 PM

Originally Posted by toohz

we are both not very religious people and we don't see why we have to get married before we have kids. marraige is just a bit of paper. I don't see why every one says you arn't committed if you don't get married. we know within ourselves that we want to be with each other for the rest of our lives and we don't need a piece of paper to verify that. we work hard on our relationship as everyone does and I know within myself that I already am married to him.

I apologise. I am busted here Toohz, I had assumed from the original post that your commitment wasn't as solid as marriage. With all due respects, it might work better if you called him your "partner" and not your "fiance". . That is where the confusion began for me.

I hope for you both a heartfelt conversation that allows you to understand each other better on this topic.