[gemstone6]

Hi All

This is my first time posting on this site. Am looking to get objective opinions on my situation.

I have just ended my relationship after 8 years (am now 34). My ex boyfriend is not the most physical of people, more of an intellectual type. The sex was not too bad for the first few months of the relationship but not like other relationships where we would do it all the time. With me and him it would be once or twice a week at the beginning. He was never very tactile though. He would cuddle me at night and a little bit during the day but when I tried to passionately kiss him he would pull away. He almost acted prudish about sex and if I mentioned it he would seem really arkward! Anyway after a while sex went to once a month. I mentioned it time after time and tried to sort it out but it got me nowhere. He would say he did fancy me but that he was always tired (this was true as he has a very stressful job). In addition he was on anti depressants which I know don't help. I also don't think it is helped by the fact that his parents are not tactile people and barely hugged him growing up. Also, people have made jokes in the past that he acts gay.

Apart from the sex we got on really well and he is the closest person in the world to me but I cannot carry on in life like that. I became miserable, constantly craving his attention. I tried everything. I suggested he came off anti depressants, went to speak to the doctor etc but to no avail.

Since I ended it I feel like a new person. It is such a relief to not have this on my mind anymore and to look forward to meeting someone I can have a healthy relationship with. I can't help but worry about future relationships though. At the back of my mind I can't help but worry there is something wrong with me that stopped him being really attracted to me. although logically I think this is not the case as I am fairly attractive, outgoing and slim. Also, I keep berating myself for staying so long in this sham of a relationship as that's what I feel it was. Also it is quite painful the thought of me and him being apart as I do love him. I am feeling such mixed emotions at the moment!

What do other people think. Has anyone been in a situation like this? Would be good to get people's thoughts. Was I crazy to stay in a relationship where he could hardly bear to even kiss me!

Gemstone6

[hollylovesbrandon]

I don't think it's so much that you were crazy but more that you were conflicted. I mean, you loved him right? You always made excuses for him as in, his reasons for not wanting to be intimate. Excuses that did hold water, however were a lot like beating a dead dog... didn't get you anywhere. When you care for someone and are with them for so long you tend to put up with things that you otherwise wouldn't.

Sex, as much as some people might not want to admit it, is a very vital part to any healthy relationship. For some people, sex twice a week is enough... for others, twice a day is the key. Maybe you were a little blind in the fact that you just chalked it up to childhood issues and stress at work. If it was really a problem then you should have talked to him about it. Sometimes I understand talking doesn't work, especially with a man that has problems expressing his feelings. If he knew there was a problem, he should have put forth effort to fix it... be it see a psychologist or ask for less responsibility at work. From what I see, both of you are at fault for this relationship ending.

Maybe he is gay, I do not know this man so I cannot judge. If so, that would explain a lot of things. I have a friend who denied to himself for the longest time that he was gay. He dated a girl for 4 years and they weren't having sex... She thought it was his respect for her religion... he was suppressing that homosexual feeling. Once they did have sex, they only had it twice and then he broke up with her... for a man.

In the long run, it seems that the best thing that could have happened happened. Too bad it didn't have a few years before. Sure you cared about the man, but you were in a dead end relationship. At the age of 34 you don't have time to dilly-dally around with meaningless relationships.

I know it still hurts, but you must move on. Find yourself a man that loves you, that wants you emotionally and physically can't resist you. If there is one thing you will appreciate as you get older, it will be a man that finds you irresistible. But also, make sure you can communicate with him. That way, if something happens like before, you will be able to talk through it and save it before it gets too out of hand.

[kp2171]

You sound very grounded, even if you are off balance. Sorry you are in this place, but I'm glad you took a step forward and faced this.

You understand you have love for him, but that you are incompatible sexually and intimately. I'm guessing if he was just a little more attentive outside the bedroom, it wouldn't have been such an issue... but when you aren't getting your needs met in bed AND you aren't getting simple affection outside the bedroom that lets you know the other partner is still chasing you, still "after" you, it's a bad place to be... especially if you are a person, like me, who responds strongly to intimate touch, sensual and sexual.

Most relationships have some trade-offs or areas where there isn't perfect overlap. My wife's drive is lower than mine. She's a "morning girl", meanings she's less responsive in the night hours when my drive is highest. It takes work, communication, and deliberate intent to find enough overlap to keep everything clicking. But there's enough in common that we can work it out, even if we aren't always in synch.

You might want to read a book called "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman... should be able to get it discounted at Amazon. It talks about how we express commitment through five basic acts: Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation.

Its an easy read and it is good, in my opinion, for two major things... helping you understand what you need from a partner and helping you understand how you show commitment to your partner. And these aren't necessarily the same things.

For ex, I'm a physical touch guy. And that doesn't just mean sex. I want my hands on my mate throughout the day. At times I almost feel like I'm "handling" her too much, but I get great comfort out of my hands on her body, my lips on hers, my breath on her neck. It is comforting, soothing, and affirming. It gives me balance. Its much more than just building sexual tension. I feel like I can almost "breathe her in" when I'm close to her.

Also, I respond well to words of affirmation, though I'm not at all desperate for kind words and polite compliments... I just seem to get a boost when my mate tells me I'm doing something well.

Those are the things I respond to most... knowing this helps my mate know what I need to feel balanced. Those are things that I need.

I also know I tend to act through physical touch and acts of service. I do things. Fix things. Move things. Do tasks. And touch her.

She, on the other hand, responds well to quality time. One area of conflict was when shed come home from work she needed time to decompress, be quiet, wind down. I thought this meant "be alone"... so id putter around, reduce clutter, do dishes, etc. well... all she wanted was for me to be present, still, there... no heavy discussions, no groping, just there for a bit.

Reading this book made us both think about the ways we were expressing commitment, but sometimes missing the "dialect" we were speaking it through. My acts of service was interpreted as my being uninterested and distracted, for ex.

So I think it's a good, easy read to make you think about the kind of things you need from a partner, and the ways in which you act, often subconsciously, to please a partner.

You know now that the more you can talk to your mate openly about the things you need, the better it will be for you... whether it works out or not. Everybody gets into a rut now and then, especially concerning sex.

His meds were likely an issue. But that isn't a free pass to neglect your needs. Again, I'm guessing what you were really missing wasn't the orgasm (not to minimize that) but the drive. You wanted your partner to still be chasing you. Still desiring you. And also an occasional orgasm. Right?

Its common over time to chase less and be chased less... but I think you made it clear you needed more, and your partner didn't seem to have it in him.

Its possible to love a great person who isn't right for you. Did that myself twice before I met my wife. Had to leave two wonderful women who just didn't mesh in enough areas at the time... bad timing, incompatible, whatever...

Again, sorry you are in this place, but I'm glad you stepped forward. Life is too short lived to spend it frustrated, hurt, neglected and angry.

[Witchywoman1212]

I'm sort of in the same dilemna and wondered if my boyfriend was Gay also and asked him.
Fact is I love him and he is very very important to me,
But I can't live w/out Intimacy,I've knowmn him for 8 years,its tough

[Stefalupagus]

I dated a man that was perfect, but had never been married before. I think he either had a low sex drive, because he worked a lot, had issues with performance, or was gay. I think it's hard to say what all the issues were. He said the chemistry wasn't there, but I think that was a copout of trying to communicate. I think he didn't want to admit that he did have a low sex drive or that he needed chemical enhancement when we did become intimate. I won't know for sure. I think it is possibly his own insecurities about things that kept him from getting close to me. We didn't see each other very often, maybe that is what he wants. He said he thought most women had higher sex drives than men. I don't agree with that, but maybe that is just him justifying himself to try and feel like a normal man. I really took it personal for a long time. I'm attractive, fit, smart, etc. and felt neglected and dejected, but trying to figure out all the problems he has, isn't going to make me feel better. Finding someone compatible is where I need to be. If the emotional needs aren't met by either partner it also affects desire, self worth, and performance too. But there are physical reasons people avoid sex. However, if they loved and cared about the other person, they should still want to help meet the other persons needs.

[Xrayman]

I always seenm to chuckle when I read that if a man doesn't want sex, he's gay?

However, if a woman doesn't want it she's tired, sad, sore, menstrual, bored, etc, etc, etc.

Sometimes men and women don't want sex. End of story. It does not make us "abnormal" or gay or menstrual, sad, sore whatever.

Maybe he's just not into you/you into him.

[Choux]

Yeah, marriage, but I stayed for the terrific family he came from.

You two were probably a missmatch which happens a lot, and because of the cohabitation, you each felt reluctant to break-up earlier. There is no blame, there is just moving on.

That makes your break up more like a divorce. According to one study I read, it takes half the time of the length of the relationship to recover emotionally. I found that true when I divorced.

Youth passes quickly and you are 34 now... I recomment help from a therapist to help you deal with this "divorce".

Best wishes in the future, :)

[Synnen]

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