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labyrinth88 · Sep 15, 2008, 10:13 AM

Here's a little background information to help you understand. I have been "dating" my boyfriend for 9 months. I say "dating" because we have had an extremely rough relationship for 2 years, but officially dating for 9 months. But that's a whole other story. Another thing, we are in a semi-long distance relationship. We went to high school together. He goes to college in the same city where I live, but I am attending college an hour and a half away. I don't go home very often because I am busy. He is also busy so he doesn't see me very often. So, we have history, but distance.

Anyway, here's my problem. I'm a virgin and so is he. We have both said that we are waiting until marriage, whether that is to each other. So, obviously there is no sex in our relationship. My biggest fear is that he will get bored and end it. I have told him that I am worried that he may leave me because I don't want to have sex, but he has assured me that he wouldn't. (The reason I say 'I don't want to have sex' in the previous sentence is because I am sure that if I offered it and was serious about it, we would have sex.)

I feel like I should be putting out more. He has not said anything about it or changed his way at all to even remotely suggest that he is disappointed that I don't put out more, but I feel like I should. It seems to me that he does a lot and I don't. So, my question is, besides sex, what else can we do? I am looking for surprising so he stays interested. (By the way, our relationship is not having any problems, I just want to make it more interesting.) I am not exactly open to oral sex right now, but maybe in the future. Any and all suggestions are appreciated!

menoshoes · Sep 15, 2008, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by labyrinth88

Here's a little background information to help you understand. I have been "dating" my boyfriend for 9 months. I say "dating" because we have had an extremely rough relationship for 2 years, but officially dating for 9 months. But that's a whole other story. Another thing, we are in a semi-long distance relationship. We went to high school together. He goes to college in the same city where I live, but I am attending college an hour and a half away. I don't go home very often because I am busy. He is also busy so he doesn't see me very often. So, we have history, but distance.

Anyway, here's my problem. I'm a virgin and so is he. We have both said that we are waiting until marriage, whether or not that is to each other. So, obviously there is no sex in our relationship. My biggest fear is that he will get bored and end it. I have told him that I am worried that he may leave me because I don't want to have sex, but he has assured me that he wouldn't. (The reason I say 'I don't want to have sex' in the previous sentence is because I am sure that if I offered it and was serious about it, we would have sex.)

I feel like I should be putting out more. He has not said anything about it or changed his way at all to even remotely suggest that he is disappointed that I don't put out more, but I feel like I should. It seems to me that he does a lot and I don't. So, my question is, besides sex, what else can we do? I am looking for surprising so he stays interested. (By the way, our relationship is not having any problems, I just want to make it more interesting.) I am not exactly open to oral sex right now, but maybe in the future. Any and all suggestions are appreciated!

Hey- I kind of know how you feel. I was still a virgin at 19 and I felt like I was really behind or missing out on something. Don't rush sex it will come with time and if you push it on each other it could be a mistake. I wanted to have sex once I was 19 but in a friends w/ benn. But that made things worse. It might be a good idea to take it slow or to take a break and find a new person to date. I honestly would find someone else to date- unless you still feel thoes butterflys and are really happy to talk to him on the phone still. But above all feel safe with the person you are going to have your first time with because you will remember it.

Rember also about safe sex- if you need to find a local clinic and also get your pap tests there too they are important.

simoneaugie · Sep 15, 2008, 01:16 PM

Take him at his word. If he wants to continue the relationship and you guys haven't had sex yet, great. Do you want to continue being his girlfriend? Quit beating yourself up about it because things are exactly as they are, and right for this moment.

DrLang · Sep 15, 2008, 02:15 PM

My opinion is that sex is an important component of most long and happy relationships with a partner. However, that does not mean that you need to rush into it. If you want to have sex with him and you feel comfortable with that then I say go for it, married or not. If you are not comfortable with it, then don't. I think it is healthy to have sex with a partner before you decide to marry them (because not everyone is all that sexually compatible), but not everyone agrees and that's okay. Take the guy at his word though. If you question it too much, you may actually start to cause strain that never existed because he may feel like you don't trust him, and trust is a far more important factor in a long an healthy relationship than good sex.

hannah_nicole · Sep 15, 2008, 02:36 PM

It seems to me the long distance thing is making you feel insecure, and therefore you want to secure your attachment to him by desperate measures. This is not the right reason to compromise your own values. I'm sure if you both love one another enough and respect each other there is no need to push the relationship any further he isn't seeking sex elsewhere he has chosen to be with you.

labyrinth88 · Sep 15, 2008, 04:16 PM

I think that I may have given a wrong impression. We are comfortable with the fact that we don't have sex. I'm just saying that I'm afraid after a while he will get bored. I'm just wondering what else besides sex can we do to keep our relationship interesting so he doesn't get bored.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 15, 2008, 04:22 PM

First get bored? It seems you don't hardly ever see each other the way it is and if you have a serious relationship, a hour and 1/2 is not that far really, you go see him one weekend, he comes up to you the next?

labyrinth88 · Sep 15, 2008, 04:39 PM

I'm sorry, let me clarify. I see him probably about every other weekend. I saw him a lot this summer so we had more time to become closer. We are extremely close as it is, but I worry that intimacy could put a strain on our relationship since we aren't willing to have sex.

ZackW · Sep 15, 2008, 04:43 PM

Marriage lasts a LONG time, you shouldn't worry about boredom too much. If you worry that he'll leave you if YOU aren't interesting enough, then let him. He should love you for who you are and not because you work hard to keep him excited.
As it was said, trust is important, but so is commitment. If your relationship relies on how well you keep each other entertained and there is little substance after that, then it will end eventually, for sure. You can't keep up that kind of demand. You can't keep a long marriage that way either, nor a long dating relationship.

The only thing exciting you two should try is to see each other more. Plan get-togethers, do something fun, go somewhere that maybe you both can drive half way to visit. Just spend more time together.

Compatibility isn't about how well you entertain each other, but how much you compliment each other. I don't like the idea of worrying about "sexual compatibility", if you're a girl and he's a boy, you're compatible! If you get married, you've got a lifetime to discover how each other operates in that department. And also, age tends to change people. Just because you are compatible now, doesn't mean you're the same in 15 years. Love conquers all they say, and it will conquer that in time as well.
And also, oral sex IS sex. If you have a commitment to abstain, don't fuddle duddle around it by playing with definitions and technicalities and walking on the edge.

labyrinth88 · Sep 15, 2008, 06:34 PM

Really what I am trying to do is take our relationship to another level, but not sex. I just don't know what to do. We do not have an issue with compatibility or anything like that. We are very close and have a lot in common. I'm just trying to change the current level of intimacy we are at, but I don't know what to do. Especially since it is hard for me to tell what he likes and what he doesn't since he doesn't really react when I do anything.

DrLang · Sep 15, 2008, 06:52 PM

Your life long partner should be in every way your best friend. Someone who you can go to with things that you would not go to anyone else with. Without really knowing the extent of your relationship, it sounds like physical intimacy is the next level. Physical intimacy can either break down a relationship (would not have lasted anyways) or it can build new levels of trust. I dated my wife for over a year and a half before we started having sex (intercourse who those who count heavy petting as sex), and we were together for just over three years before we married. We know each other on nearly every level and we grow closer every day.

I don't know how long you have been together, but take it slow. A good rule of thumb in today's society is to date for a minimum of a year before you seriously put marriage on the plate. There's an extremely high divorce rate in the US, but the average dating time before the wedding bells ring is also disturbingly short in my opinion. If you don't already, I suggest sleeping together (as in "in the same bed" for those who equate this with sex) when you spend weekends together. It's another small thing that subconsciously builds trust. I find it very refreshing to wake up every morning with the woman I love laying next to me.

Choux · Sep 20, 2008, 12:23 PM

You hit on a key point that is required for relationships to last... couples must have many interests in life, not just sex, some they do together and enjoy. :)

Sports is an excellent way for couples to have lots of fun and a challenge and exercise. Also, having the same altruistic cause to support is excellent.

Since you don't live right near each other, it is probably better to get more life experience by dating other people, not sit around "worrying" as you do about your boyfriend situation.

Worry will make you sick, and is not constructive. You need to live and grow. :)

Best wishes going forward,

spyderglass · Sep 20, 2008, 04:19 PM

Make out with each other, 'dry' humping, manual stimulation

jambourrie · Sep 23, 2008, 02:49 PM

Hi there... I wonder if it might be fun to add some new activities to your time together every other weekend. Like for instance, pick something neither of you have ever done, and go and do it together. You will both feel happy that you have accomplished something, and even more thrilled that you did it together.

Or, keep some sort of savings aside if you could, and take that weekend to go on a short road trip together (even just an hour away) - for a change of scenery that is a bit unfamiliar for both of you, and spend time there (camping, B&B, a romantic dinner and scenic drive... ) - one thing that my boyfriend and I have started doing is reading together. We bought a big novel, and we read a couple chapters each night and talk about it, and that is wonderfully intimate, but doesn't lead to sex! We have been together a few years, and I like doing new things periodically, just so that we can experience something different and new together... its exciting, no matter how small it is.

Cooking together - there is another fun, intimate thing that you can do together, playfully and closely, without it having to lead to the bedroom either...

I realise some of these things are things that you already might do... but just switch it up, and add something new to the mix that you BOTH haven't done.

jambourrie · Sep 23, 2008, 02:50 PM

One more thing - if you are creative? - you can go and do all these fun new things together (or cooking or reading) - and make a scrapbook!! That is fun too... keeping tickets from concerts... keeping leaves and brochures from B&B's in the countryside...

tanuki01 · Oct 21, 2009, 06:56 AM

Greater intimacy means nothing more than the sharing of plans, time and secrets. An intimate relationship means that you know more about him than anything. So I would suggest nothing more than spending time with him and talking. As you get to know each other better, you'll find intimacy is a natural thing. Sex doesn't mean that much in the long run of a relationship. How many of your close friends are you having sex with? When you consider that, things become a little clearer.

I'm a 27 year old male and am abstinent. I have had a serious relationship with a woman for the better part of five years. I intend to propose soon. Don't assume your alone. The fight for your morals isn't an easy one, but worthwhile.

Either way, people having sex break up all the time. It doesn't secure nuthin'

Catsmine · Oct 21, 2009, 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by tanuki01

Greater intimacy means nothing more than the sharing of plans, time and secrets. An intimate relationship means that you know more about him than anything. So I would suggest nothing more than spending time with him and talking. As you get to know each other better, you'll find intimacy is a natural thing. Sex doesn't mean that much in the long run of a relationship. How many of your close friends are you having sex with? When you consider that, things become a little clearer.

I'm a 27 year old male and am abstinent. I have had a serious relationship with a woman for the better part of five years. I intend to propose soon. Don't assume your alone. The fight for your morals isn't an easy one, but worthwhile.

Either way, people having sex break up all the time. It doesn't secure nuthin'

I think they've probably figured something out in the last year.