[Bonus Mom]

My husband and his ex were separated when I started dating him. My StepDaughter (SD) was one soon to be 2. When they got divorced the BM got residential custody (joint) and my husband had visitation and child support. I joined the military and we got married. Well the Biological Mom (BM) realized after we were stationed in Hawaii that the little 2 year old was hard for her. So she sent her to us and moved out of her parents house with a boyfriend. Residential custody was changed over. My husband didn't pursue child support at that time because he was happy to have his little girl. So we have had SD for 2 years now. My husband has been a stay at home dad for most of the time because of the demands of my job (being called in to work at all hours of the night and we only had the one car, umon other things) there was a period where he had a part time job and SD went to day care, but he was still our taxi driver taking me to work and SD to day care and going to work; then picking up SD then picking me up and still finding time to cook dinner and clean house (hes really a great support to our house and me as a soldier) well when we got relocated to Texas he got a call from AT&T a job he was laid off from when he was still married to his ex. This opened up some issues, like what are we going to do in a year when I get out of the military? Why didn't we ever have the money to pay off our old bills and fix our credit etc. So the decision was made that he would go back to Illinois and work for AT&T making almost 22 dollars and hour and pay off our debt so when I got out in September next year we could buy a house and not have to live with his parents.

Well since we got SD in August 2004 the BM has had two visitations with SD. She had her 2 month summer visitation and took one week before christmas this year. (this is what the court order gives her 2 months in the summer and two weeks vacation) she did talk to SD on sundays but that was mostly our doing.

So now that my Husband is in Illinois (got there in febuary) he has given the BM eow and Tuesday for 4 hour dinners with SD.

He filed for child support in September but hasn't seen any money yet. They said that interstate child support takes awhile (he filed in Texas). And the BM has never sent any money for SD or paid half of her child care. She is also supposed to pay for medical but the Army takes care of that.

Now my husband is living with his parents (on a cot in the family room) and gave SD (5 now) his old bedroom. He hasn't started working yet, his start date is June 27th and his garage will be an hour away from his parent house. The BM is back with her parents living only 1 mile from Husband and SD.

So, here's what's going on now. BM does the pick ups and drop offs for her visitation. I flew in for SD's 5th birthday in March and happened to fly in on BM's weekend (3 days before her birthday) which didn't bother me cause I was looking forward to alone time with my hubby. But on Sunday when SD was supposed to be home at 5 the BM called and told DH if he wanted to pick her up he could pick her up now. So he did because he new I was excited to see her. When he got there he realized he walked into the middle of SD's birthday party with her family and SD started crying that she didn't want to leave and he felt like the bad guy. Then BM called a few weeks ago and asked DH if he could come get SD (and hour before she was due) and he said he was still at the gym but he would be home by the drop off time. And BM said that she was in the middle of making cookies and would bring SD home afterward. Then again she called her next visitation and said that he could come get her but by this time he was feeling like she always calls when something fun is going on and wants SD to cry that she doesn't want to leave, so he said he couldn't and sure enough BM said "then I'll bring her home when her movie is over". So on Tuesday at 8 (SD should be home by 8:30) she calls him and he doesn't answer because he knows what she's going to ask, and she doesn't leave a message. Then calls again at 8:30 on the house phone and asks when he's coming to get SD. HE says that the court order says she is in charge of transportation and she yells that she just thought he would help her out and hangs up on him. Then when she gets there SD gives DH a dirty look and goes strait to her grandma without a hello. Then BM goes home and calls him and leaves a message that if he wants to go by the court order then she wants to know when school would have been out because she's entitled to summer visitation.

I think she doesn't realize that He is giving her visitation time that's not in the court order and if she wants to go by the court order then she would only have her for summer and not every other weekend. Plus tomorrow is her birthday and Sunday is mothers day, and SD and he are coming to Texas to see me for my birthday for 2 weeks and will be here on wed. So she kind of slapped him in the face and screwed herself.

Also my husband really wants to move to an apartment near his work (an hour from his parents and BM) so he won't have to commute and waist the gas, and he wants to move before SD starts kindergarten. Neither of us think that the midweek dinner visiation is going to be possible in that case because of all the driving time on a school night for a 5 year old.

Then there is the issue of pick ups and drop offs. My husband says all the fathers he knows pick up and drop off their kids to their moms and he doesn't understand why BM doesn't feel like she should have to. He doenst want to be faced with seeing Bm's family every week (who hate him) and a mid point when they live only a mile away from each other is just silly. And even when she designed the court order that's in place now she agreed to handle all transportation (at that time it was plane tickets) and we were the ones that moved away. Would a court say he is responsible when he moved CLOSER to BM? Gas is expensive in chicago and an hour drive is a lot of gas he wouldn't of had to pay if we decided to reinlist and not have him go back to Illinios.

Also, SD is acting funny twords her dad now that she's spending more time with BM. She's getting rude, when she used to be so sweet, and she's not listening to him. And when he punishes her she says she wants to live with her mom. (I know a lot of that is just her being a kid in a strange situation) but BM seems to thrive off her crying for her and Illinois says you can't dispute a custody agreement sooner than 2 years. Well this November it will be exactly 2 years from when the court order was signed. What are the chances she can get residential custody back?

[ScottGem]

You need to consult the attorney that handled the divorce.

I'm more concerned with the child. It appears from what you have said, that the BM is trying to alienate the father and the child. I think that they need to see a counselor who can get to the bottom of that and turn it around before it gets worse.

[Fr_Chuck]

First you and him living apart is a big issue, why I would ask did he move back so early before the job was even to start??

Why is he giving so much extra visitation ?

Why non only after you and he are not living together is he asking for child support ?

And if he was to work for 12 dollar a hour where you live, I would bet you would make as much money over all considering other factors.

I think that there are other issues in your relatonship with him that need to be resolved, I think he needs to be back where you are at.

For the ex, he moved back to where she was at, and got her invovled back in the child's life, now he has to live with the problems he created, and get an attorney ( their goes that extra money there)

He needs to move back, get a job there and the both of you need to set up a budget and stop living beyond your means.

[ScottGem]

I disagree that living apart is a big issue, especially since one of you is in the service. Separations are SOP in those circumstances and shouldn't play any significant role in the Ex regaining custody.

I also disagree that he needs to move back. It might be that he could have waited until closer to when the job started, but there is a plan in place here. I don't see that affecting a judge's decision to overturn an existing custody arrangement, especially since the arrangement was created at the instigation of the Ex.

[Bonus Mom]

No, he didn't ask for child support after he was in Illinois, he asked for it in September. He didn't get to Illinois until February. And he was supposed to start the job already but they had problems with the union not letting existing employees get to pick their garages if they want before they hired all these people and geave them locations that existing employee's have always wanted. So he starts on June 27th. But I have flown there once already and he is on his way here on wed with SD.

But I don't think you understand that the BM did call her daughter and did take her visitation, she just didn't have that much visitation put in the court order. My DH feels like it would be unfair to give her less than what he had when she had custody. I guess he was doing the right thing not standing in the way of SD knowing her mom better. So I do think that was kind of rude to say he has to deal with it now. I feel like he's doing the right thing.

[ScottGem]

Whether he's doing the "right thing" or the nice thing is debatable. I think he's definitely doing the nice thing, by offering the BM and the SD more time then provided in the custody agreement to get to know each other. But doing the nice thing may not be the right thing. Especially, if the BM is using the extra time to turn the SD against him.

Unless the BM is making noises about amending the Custody Agreement, I would not be concerned about it. But I WOULD be very concerned about the changing attitude of the little girl.