[mattd]

Hey there, I'll explain the situation first there's quite a lot too it! Sorry if it gets a little long.

I took a few years out before uni, I'm 23 in a month, ex girlfriend Sarah is now 21, she took one year out before uni. We met on the first day (at uni, we lived in the same halls of residence building) were best of friends for the first three to four weeks, helped each other through all the hard meeting people, settling in etc stages then realised there was something between us and ended up getting together on my birthday and it all took off from there. We've spent a year and nine months together, seeing each other everyday (we lived in the same 'house' for the first year and (and here lies the problem) her friends are my and my now housemates friends and vice versa so we all go out together, meet up and do things together) and we talked I think everyday in that time together. We both attend uni fairly far away from our homes, however I live 'overseas' so we've always had a 'long distance' kind of relationship when it came to holidays (we managed to see each other fairly often though, before plane prices shot up).

Due to my previous girlfriend cheating on me twice I had stayed away from relationships and commitment until starting uni (there was a three year gap between those two events) and told myself I wouldn't get into anything at uni, however as with most promises you make to yourself something clicked between Sarah and I and that plan went out the window. We were best mates from the very first second we met and eventually ended up together. However I'd always (stupidly) been stuck in 'past' mode having been cheated on twice before, it knocked my confidence, made me incredibly jealous of the simplest of things and inevitably took it's toll (strangely though only in the last six months) of this relationship (or lack of :rolleyes:) I am writing about. Sarah had confidence issues prior to uni and compensated by sleeping with three or four people on her year out, now I know how silly and irrational this is (it did ruin my relationship after all) but that always bugged me, it made me jealous about the silliest of things and eventually caused this breakup. I felt so guilty for putting that on Sarah and tried so hard to flush it out my mind, unfortunately it's taken this to actually do that.

Addition: I just read something similar in another post and I thought I'd point it out here. I don't blame her for her past and I never did, we all have experiences that make us who we are and I don't think she'd have been the women she is if she hadn't made her choices. I respect them and I appreciate she made her own decisions at the time, they made her the wonderful, beautiful women she is and I wouldn't want to change that.

Now my problem. We broke up on the very last day of July (why do we remember such irrelevant dates?) so it's been a good month and a half, however I had a uni exam resit in the middle of August and had already booked a plane and train to where she lives to see her for a few days before I went to do the resit. I couldn't afford to change the plane or train (poor student etc :D) so I ended up staying in a cheap hotel for two nights prior and one night on the way back home. I was useless at the no contact before that and I've been even more useless since. I struggled big time for the first two weeks, I got a grip on it a few days before leaving for the resit and have again struggled since then. I'd managed 10 days until Wednesday just passed but had some bad news and stupidly called her. We've spoken a little today but I've explained that I don't want to contact her again.

However... (nearly done), the biggest part of the problem... We go back to uni in a week, now her and her housemates moved student house and had nowhere to store their things so Sarah stored all of her things at my student house. Which means that at some point she'll have to come and collect them when we get back, and there's a lot of it so it won't be a quick affair, which kind of renders the NC a bit useless for now. There's also the fact that she only lives a few doors down from me so I'm inevitably going to see her a lot over this next year, even if I managed to somehow stay away from her housemates (see above: who are my friends).

So I'm not exactly sure how to tackle this. I've learnt so much over this month and a half apart, I've learnt a lot about myself and how irrational and ridiculous jealousy is, I really do have that under control which was a large part of breaking up. The jealousy also led to a lack of personal space and freedom in the relationship (which we both contributed to, not just me) which was another big thing for her breaking up, which I completely understand and was a big part of it for me as well. Is it wishful thinking to hope that trying no contact even though there are so many chances we could see each other and showing her in my attitude, happiness and lifestyle that I'm the same person she fell in love with in the first place and she might believe it could work between us again. It's not like we broke up because we don't love each other, or because we're not attracted to one another, we are and she's said if she wanted to be with anyone it would be with me, she just doesn't want a relationship or what we'd turned into right now.

I understand and agree with all the posts (I've read most of them) about it being best to break away, not hoping for the above etc but I really don't think that applies so much to this situation, it's nearly impossible for me to completely cut her out my life.

Thanks for reading, apoligies for the length!

Matt

Edit: Just realised my original title didn't make much sense! Oops!

[mattd]

Sorry I wouldn't normally bump a message, it's just getting near to the bottom of the page and I don't want it to get lost amongst page 2+ and no-one ever know it existed.

[Wondergirl]

Your story is, unfortunately, very similar to all the other broken romance stories that have been posted here. Yes, I know you want to think your situation is unique (I thought mine was), but it isn't. It's the same old story.

Have as little as possible to do with her. Don't go out of your way to talk with her, or even to see her and watch her from a distance. Your proximity to her makes this very difficult, I know, but it can be done. ISneezeFunny did it, and you can too.

Consider the relationship over, make friends and be with others (both men and women), and get on with your life.

[Romefalls19]

I know what you are going through with losing someone over jealousy. I was pretty bad with it, probably a lot worse than you were. Many times the girls final straw is an argument about it, I don't think I've ever mentioned it on this forum but the final argument was over a guy taking off the promise ring I had bought for my ex. Yep, that's somehow my fault.

But anyway, NC will be hard to maintain for sure, but it can be done. I worked with my ex and still kept NC. If she said hi then I would respond but I wasn't going out of my way to talk to her. That's how you should handle it, don't speak unless spoken too and keep it short.

[talaniman]

Polite, but busy, and uanvailable, and as Rome put it, "don't speak unless spoken too and keep it short." That's an excellent strategy for staying with no contact.

[mattd]

Thanks for the replies, I had read them I was just taking a day or two to consider everything properly.

Initially I'd decided no I'm going to try being friends and if it leads to anything then great. However having read your replies and a couple of other threads I don't really think that's the right thing to do. Even if I was hoping it'd bring us back together it'd more than likely just show her I'm 'comfortable' with being just friends and push her further away anyway.

I wrote her a short letter and posted it today (seems a bit too formal for it's purpose but she currently doesn't have the internet) saying I think it's best if we part ways here, she can collect her things and we should both try and just enjoy our lives.

It feels like a new part of my life is beginning. I head back to uni tomorrow on the boat (taking the car this time) and I have a very tough semester ahead. I didn't mention it in the original post but my local education authority decided to refuse to pay my tuition fees (they pay them for us each year) until I've successfully finished the year ,so I've been lumped with a £14,000 loan to pay the fees. As well as the obvious uni life without Sarah for the first time, exciting times ahead!

Thanks again for the replies and advice,
Matt

[TrueFaith]

You will do good as rome said and the rest keep it short and sweet mate.

Most of are jealouse in one way or another don't beat yourself up too much.

Best of luck

Regards