[blondie924]

My boyfriend and I have no problem making it to the bedroom - we both have huge sexual drives for each other -BUT I can't orgasm - I feel so abnormal and I feel like this frustrates him even though he says it doesn't.

What is wrong with me? What do I need to do?

[Choux]

Blondie, it's not about him, it's about you. He knows it is your responsibility to develop your own orgasmic response, not his.

Since you are young and eager and full of sexual desire, you should be able to develop your ability to orgasm with your boyfriend. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk with orgasmic women you know and get some tips and true stories. :)


Good Luck!

[kp2171]

Can you get yourself to orgasm with self stimulation? With your finger? With a vibe?

Don't mistake the desire to reach orgasm with the proper preparation, proper sensitization, to reach orgasm. My partner might damn well need an orgasm, but if she isn't properly sensitized, and this also includes mental release, she won't get there, no matter how much she wants that feeling.

[blondie924]

I read both of your answers and I have tried to talk to people, but you would not believe how embaressed and closed up people get so that's been difficult.

Yes, my fingers do the trick.

What I have found though is I really think that I do try to hard or think too much. When we are together I feel like I am getting ready to orgasm, but yet I can't. Then when I am alone I'm done in minutes. What's the deal??

[Choux]

Sex with a person is much more complicated than masturbation. :)

Personally, I think if you were with a person who turned you on to the max, you would easily have an orgasm without thinking.

[ConfusedInAK]

I'm assuming when your fingers do the walking you mainly stimulates your clitoris... there are products you can use together to stimulate that part of your body while you are having sex with him...

Also different positions will stimulate different areas... such as you on top...

If you think you are trying too hard... thinking about it too hard, try to let yourself go... if you find lights being on make it harder for you to climax... then turn them off...

Try to think about if there is anything that makes you uncomfortable during the act and try to eliminate it... ;)

[kp2171]

Well the good news is you can reach orgasm with self stimulation. Its reasonable. As choux stated, the difficult thing about sex with another person is its difficult to know what the other partner needs. This leads to confusion (why is he doing that? I don't like that!), frustration (why did he change rhythm or angle? I liked what he was doing and now I've lost it), and mental blocks (im never going to get there)...

Been there, done that. It happens. Good sex happens when you are able to release, trust you will get there, and lose yourself in the moment completely. Your mind is your most important errogenous zone... does not mean all the rest is just "decoration"... but you need to connect your mind to the moment, and simply wanting an orgasm isn't enough.

A few things to think about...

As a guy, sex and orgasm isn't too difficult. Some version of "push-pull-repeat" does the trick most every time. That said, why can I get myself off faster than my partner can much of the time when its her body I crave, her attention I desire? Well, I'm an easy "lay"... I can be available whenever I want it, I know exactly what feels good and when to use more pressure, etc. I'm the easiest lay I've ever had, partly because I have inside information.

So what to do with my partner if I'm hitting a plateau and needing a push over the top? I'm a fan of rearranging what is usually called foreplay. Used to be that foreplay for me meant necking, deep kissing, feeling her body up, then sex. Sure... this might get me going fast, but is that really what you want, even as a guy? no.

I love my ears nibbled at. Love my neck to be kissed and bitten. Love her chest in my face. OK... so I save this. Foreplay is more about putting my hands on her body, skin on skin, maybe a massage, maybe just tracing her body. Its about building sexual tension, not releasing it with quick action. This leaves some of my favorite things (not the Sound of Music version) for later on... when I might be getting close, but not over the top, sudden, quick bites at my ear will push me over. You hold back that stimulation because if you use it too soon, your body adjusts to it, gets sensitized to it.

My partner also has certain likes that she wants reserved until later. She likes a little breast play much later on, but not so much early. Taking her finger in my mouth and sucking on it late is a mental distraction of the good kind... it lets her continue to feel the pleasure from intercourse, but suddenly there is a new sensation... so think about the things you enjoy, that might push you over the top, and save them instead of using them to get you ready. Let foreplay be about his sensitizing your skin, with your focusing on nothing but his skin on yours, the air weighing over your naked body, and the images in your mind.

Also, don't be afraid to take positions that favor you in control, such as woman on top, and do not be ashamed or afraid to self stimulate during sex. There are positions that my lover might enjoy, but NEVER would reach orgasm, without her reaching down and self stimulating while I am inside her.

Yes... it can seem odd perhaps the first time you do this... but seriously, when my lover reaches down to self stim I NEVER think "im doing it wrong"... I think "shes getting close and shes demanding an orgasm"... and that's sexy as sin.

So if you aren't self stimulating during sex, please consider it. It has been one of the most important "tools" I've had lovers use with good success. If you can take stronger clitoral stimulation, and many women cannot, he might even be able to stimulate you with a wet finger while inside you. Otherwise, you know the touch, pressure, and rhythm you need at the moment you need it.

Lastly, I've said many times before, I could do everything "right" and fail to get my partner over the top if there are things out of whack... meaning to be physically and mentally in the moment, she needs some things... or at least the more of these that are done, the better.

She's best when rested. Late at night isn't her time. When is yours? She's best when her body is relaxed. After a hot shower or bath is great. A glass of wine doesn't hurt. A clean, warm, inviting, secure room is a must. Clutter, cold, potential visitors... all can be a distraction. Do you have real, secure privacy? Are you stressed from work? Is sex too "goal oriented" and not something you simply experience? Do you feel sexual tension building throughout the day, long before you get into bed?

She is best when I spend some time simply placing my skin on hers. Building sexual tension through sensual touch. And the great thing is, if you can find what helps you reach orgasm, if you can find what helps you better prepare yourself, its usually easier the next time. There is no perfect "recipe", and no guarantee what worked last time will again, but you mind will begin to trust you can get there, you will better trust that it is possible.

Lastly, what about oral? Can he get you there with oral? If he can, great. If he cant, doesn't mean he never could, just might mean he doesn't know what you need.

And I've mentioned over and over one way to begin talking about sex is to share a book or two. I recommend She Comes First all the time because its an easy read, has some interesting ideas about the clitorial complex, and allows a couple to discuss the book, not their "failings"... you can mark a page that has interesting info and when he reads it he will, if he has half a clue, pay attention to your notes. Its one of the best ways my partner and I communicate in our relationship... whether it's a book on money, relationships, sex, etc... so something to consider. She Comes First isn't the end all be all of sex books by any means, its just an easy first read for many couples, aimed at finding ways to better sensitize a woman. Its angle is mostly about oral, but its ideas are completely applicable to other sex... and you can make it about pleasing both of you by getting the follow-up, He Comes Next, both by Ian Kerner.

The more you can talk about sex together and make it about needed, necessary exploration, the less tension there will be. My lover is a lot more "work" than the lover I had before her. It took time, patience, and talking to get to a place where we both understood what she needed... and even then, it doesn't mean she hits orgasm all the time.