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bubbletea123 · Sep 1, 2008, 05:17 PM

Most of my parents' friends (at least 11 that have done this) send their babies to China for the grandparents to take care of shortly after they are born, and the children come back to Canada when they are about to enter grade 1. They do that so they don't have to go through what they think is one of the most annoying stages of being a parent.

My uncle (40) and his wife (30) are planning to do the same with their baby who should be born in about a month or so. I guess I can't change their minds but I feel like it's not the best thing to do since the child will feel like living with strangers 6 years later. It is also their responsibility to care for the child. They can probably visit the child once a year at most. Almost the same thing happened to me when I was a baby but my mother decided to bing my grandparents over instead to take care of me. They've been there since I was 3 months old so that's why I'm closer to them than my parents, and was so crushed when they passed away.

I know for a fact that my uncle and his wife do not REALLY want a child, but my uncle always says his ancestors will not forgive him because he is the last male in the family and our family surname will end if he doesn't have a son. He also made a promise to my grandfather to have a son. Well fortunately my future cousin is a boy so this will probably be the only time he has to go through this.

I'm 17 by the way, and I just want your opinion on this since I am concerned about my cousin (the only one I have :( ). Do you think this will have negative effects on the child after he comes back to Canada for school?

Alty · Sep 1, 2008, 05:24 PM

Yes, I believe that this will have very negative effects, but it is tradition, and therefore I cannot dispute it.

Why would any parent agree to send their newborn child away for 6 years? There are bonding issues, the child won't bond with the parents, but with the grandparents instead. Why is this done? If the parents don't want to deal with a child until the age of 6, then don't have kids.

Sorry, I don't understand this tradition at all, and I for one think it's a horrible idea.

Good luck to you and to your cousin.

DoulaLC · Sep 1, 2008, 05:30 PM

It obviously is part of the culture and apparently has worked for others in the past. How have the other kids adjusted? Personally I can see several issues with it, but again, if it is a personal and cultural practice, what someone else's opinion on the matter is irrelevant.

Given my profession, my first thought is the simple act of feeding the baby. The baby, and the mother for that matter, will not have the opportunity to benefit from breastfeeding. Certainly plenty of babies are formula fed and do fine, but that doesn't negate the benefits for mother and baby from breastfeeding.

I happened to really enjoy the baby/toddler stage and would think the parents are actually missing out on so much in not being available for those early years. So much of a child's foundation is achieved during the first several years of life. It's a shame they will only see it in pictures and occasional visits.

There are so many different paths in parenting, and unless it is a true health or safety issue, there is not always a right or wrong way... just a different way, which may not be what someone else would choose, but then it's not their decision to make.

Always interesting to learn about different practices... I wish them well.

bubbletea123 · Sep 1, 2008, 05:33 PM

Sending the child away isn't a tradition, just something that a lot of our family friends are doing. It's just that my uncle is having a child because he promised his father (my grandfather) before he passed away that he will have a son to keep the family "last name". He himself and the wife never really cared much whether they have kids or not. I believe it's a horrible idea as well, and I tried talking to him about it and it hasn't worked.

bubbletea123 · Sep 1, 2008, 05:36 PM

The kids did not adjust well, they cried for MANY days and all they wanted were their grandparents. But, the parents think that this type of problem is better than sleepless nights with the newborn.

Alty · Sep 1, 2008, 05:37 PM

If they don't really want this child, then perhaps he's better off with his grandparents.

I have to agree with Doula. Even though I personally think this is a horrible idea, it is part of your family's tradition, and should be honored as such. There will most likely be negative effects, but maybe not, it's a wait as see kind of situation.

I agree with you, but I don't see a way for you to change this.

bubbletea123 · Sep 1, 2008, 05:40 PM

That's true, my uncle gets irritated easily and who knows what he might do to the child.

bubbletea123 · Sep 1, 2008, 05:42 PM

I know I can't change anything but I was wondering, has any of you known of any couples who have done this?

DoulaLC · Sep 1, 2008, 05:49 PM

Apparently then it may not be a Chinese tradition, but it has become a family tradition or a tradition within your family's circle of friends. It is unfortunate that they don't really want children, have they actually told you this? but many people will have a child to please family members and the desire to carry on a family name can be more important to some people than others.

Perhaps they will change their minds once the baby is born. You could always try talking to them again, letting them know how much they will miss out on, the early bonding, building of trust between themselves and their child, the joy of first smiles, first laughs, first steps... yes, babies can be trying... but the good times far outweigh the rough times. Are you close to where they live? Could you offer to help out with the new baby? Maybe your aunt would be more receptive than your uncle.

Maybe they won't change their minds right now, but will in time... maybe they won't. Share your concerns, but in the end it is their child, their decision.

Alty · Sep 1, 2008, 05:51 PM

This is the first I've ever heard about anything like this. I have to say, the parents are missing out, the first 6 years of a child's life are wonderful, they change so much during this time, and their personalities shine through. The first time they roll over, the first time they sit up, the first time they crawl, walk, ride a bike, read a word, say the alpahbet. I can go on and on.

I'm sorry that you feel so badly about this. Obviously when you have kids you'll keep them with you, so you at least have learned something from all of this. :)

DoulaLC · Sep 1, 2008, 05:56 PM

Originally Posted by bubbletea123

I know I can't change anything but I was wondering, has any of you known of any couples who have done this?

Not as a newborn, but people send their kids off to boarding schools sometimes when they are older. Sometimes the kids really want this, sometimes the parents are the ones who want it. Some people will have live-in nannies who do much of the baby care.

If it is the extra work of taking care of a newborn, why don't they consider having someone stay with them to help out? Maybe have a nanny move in, or at least someone part time to help... or a family member? There are nannies, doulas, mother's helpers, babysitters, all sorts of people who do this. I recently just spent 5 nights a week for the first 7 weeks with a family to help with their newborn twins. The sleepless nights really are such a short time in the scheme of things. What they will miss out on is so much more than some lack of sleep.

bubbletea123 · Sep 1, 2008, 06:09 PM

My mother has a friend (42) who's had three kids and didn't send them away. She doesn't give them much attention though. We were at their house and the youngest baby (5 months) was crying like crazy and the mother just put her in the room and locked the door and said "She'll get used to it". She was also playing video games with her husband while rocking the baby in the crib with her foot without looking at her (the baby). The older kids just ran around the house making messes. My uncle was with us and got really annoyed of the kids and said he's definitely sending his own to China.

DoulaLC · Sep 1, 2008, 06:17 PM

Originally Posted by bubbletea123

My mother has a friend (42) who's had three kids and didn't send them away. She doesn't give them much attention though. We were at their house and the youngest baby (5 months) was crying like crazy and the mother just put her in the room and locked the door and said "She'll get used to it". She was also playing video games with her husband while rocking the baby in the crib with her foot without looking at her (the baby). The older kids just ran around the house making messes. My uncle was with us and got really annoyed of the kids and said he's definitely sending his own to China.

How unfortunate that his experiences with young children have not been the best. It needs to be pointed out to him that it is not the children, it is the parents not being responsible in their role as parents.

Quite frankly, I see it as a cop out... if you are going to be a parent, you had better be prepared to do the job and not shift the responsibility onto someone else because you are either too lazy or too inconvenienced to do the job properly. Kid might be better off without him if he isn't up to the job. I wonder how the mother feels about the whole situation?

bubbletea123 · Sep 1, 2008, 06:21 PM

My mother has tried asking my uncle's wife, but she always answers with "It doesn't really matter, I mean we're just sending the baby to my parents, not sending her to death. I get more time to do my own stuff anyways."

DoulaLC · Sep 1, 2008, 06:36 PM

Baby will likely be better off anyway then. I wish you all well...

nikkiluvmatt · Sep 1, 2008, 11:49 PM

Originally Posted by bubbletea123

Most of my parents' friends (at least 11 that have done this) send their babies to China for the grandparents to take care of shortly after they are born, and the children come back to Canada when they are about to enter grade 1. They do that so they don't have to go through what they think is one of the most annoying stages of being a parent.

My uncle (40) and his wife (30) are planning to do the same with their baby who should be born in about a month or so. I guess I can't change their minds but I feel like it's not the best thing to do since the child will feel like living with strangers 6 years later. It is also their responsibility to care for the child. They can probably visit the child once a year at most. Almost the same thing happened to me when I was a baby but my mother decided to bing my grandparents over instead to take care of me. They've been there since I was 3 months old so that's why I'm closer to them than my parents, and was so crushed when they passed away.

I know for a fact that my uncle and his wife do not REALLY want a child, but my uncle always says his ancestors will not forgive him because he is the last male in the family and our family surname will end if he doesn't have a son. He also made a promise to my grandfather to have a son. Well fortunately my future cousin is a boy so this will probably be the only time he has to go through this.

I'm 17 by the way, and I just want your opinion on this since I am concerned about my cousin (the only one I have :( ). Do you think this will have negative effects on the child after he comes back to Canada for school?

Of course it will have an affect on the child. You may be 17 but, you should talk to them it is important for the baby to be raised by the parents otherwise the child will have no respect for them when he's older because why listen to people who didn't want to raise him is most likely how he will grow up feeling every child needs the love of his parents. The first few years are very important. For the parents and also for the child