[danadurdur]

Hello all. Im new here and I joined because I have had a situation I wanted to get others opinions on this.

I had an on and off again boyfriend, actually the only true boyfriend I’ve ever had. I have dated plenty but he has been the only person that I’ve ever loved. I’m in my early 20’s and I’m young so I know I still have time to find other people.

Not too long ago, I got raped. It wasn't a thing where I got drunk and stuff. A guy I had been seeing sort of casually (we went on 3 dates and he seemed great but we didn't call each other boyfriend gf) forced sex on me in my own dorm room and I mean FORCED it on me, I tried to get away.
Now at the time this happened to me I was on a “break” with this ex. He wouldn’t commit because of the distance of school and I basically said “I’m tired of being your backup so I can't speak to you anymore.” A couple of weeks after the rape, my ex broke 2 months of silence and started talking to me everyday. I didn’t tell him what happened. He eventually said “I love you” out of the blue and I thought this meant he wanted to get back together…everyone thought that.
I get home from college that year and nothings changed- he still doesn’t want to commit because of school issues but he still loved me apparently. Now, what happened to me hadn’t thoroughly sunk in. I was kind of in denial and it wasn’t until I got home from school it bubbled up to the surface and I had major problems. I’m not sure what triggered it- I started a very stressful job and I was banking on my ex wanting to get back together with me for good, after all this is not the type of guy who says “I love you” EVER…and I want(ed?) to marry him. I did tell him what happened and he was sympathetic in the beginning.
Anyway, it went downhill fast. I was extremely depressed. Looking back now, I was so depressed I don’t know how I got through every day. I was very moody and explosive. I got explosive on him twice, and by explosive I mean being mean to him when he ignored me or didn’t do something I wanted and threatened for us to not have contact at all. Not long after these explosions he said “I don’t have feelings for you anymore beyond a friend.” He said before he loved me and the only thing that stopped him from being with me was the distance but now it was that he didn’t like me anymore. He tried to say he wasn’t attracted to me anymore which I think is bullcrap, we had sex the day before and even afterwards it was obvious he still did. He said he didn’t like my personality anymore but he still wanted to be friends and he wanted to be there for me.
I had been suspecting this to happen because who wants to deal with a moody, explosive clingy girl? But he said that it had nothing to do with me being depressed. He said he “put the pieces together” one day and decided this. He said the first couple times he saw me after school ended is when this realization started. I am pretty sure he’s lying. I have a sixth sense with him, every time something was wrong I suspected it right away and the first couple times we were together everything was normal. He was all over me and nothing was different.

You would think someone saying words like that to me when I was so utterly depressed would have knocked some sense into me. It didn’t. In fact how I acted afterwards is painful for me to look back on because now he will never see me as the person I was before. I went psycho: I texted him nonstop and called him all the time. I hung onto him way too hard. I would call him 10x in a row or text him so much he would block me. He always unblocked me and called me back angry, making me feel so much worse. I didn’t do this everyday, more like once a week or so. He did want to go out on my birthday right before we both left for school. He did get me a present but I think his Mom got it for me. A couple days later on the day of my actual birthday, he never called. He has never really forgotten my birthday, so I got upset and called him angry. He said he “forgot” and he just didn’t think about it, but he hadn’t done anything all day. So its pretty obvious he never thinks about me anymore.
I eventually told him in that conversation that I was thinking about killing myself because I was tired of being miserable all the time. He was the first person I admitted that to. Once I said that, he got scared and reversed completely. That night we talked for a long time and he talked to me like he did before, like before I went psycho and he liked me. His girlfriend before me had a depression problem too and he left her but he never loved her to begin with. I compared myself to her and he said “no…you have a reason to be so depressed. She didn’t…you’re not pathetic” I told him I felt stupid but I couldn’t help acting the way I was. I said he would never forgive me for how I was acting and he would never think of me as the old me and always be mad at me. He said “you will get better” and “im not mad anymore” and “I will call you” I went on vacation after that so I didn’t call him, my mind was actually occupied and I was busy. He did call me, which was the first time in 2 months that he actually called ME.

I then went back to school and my depression actually got a bit worse. I thought going back to school would make me feel better due to constantly being surrounded by friends and being busy. The first couple weeks I was at the bottom of my depression because half of my friends, including my best friend, got boyfriends and I never saw them. The other half were really rude to me and I didn’t know how to deal with it on top of being so depressed…I did make new friends but I wasn’t going to dump everything on them. Not only that, being at school reminded me constantly of what happened to me. Everywhere I turned around there was some memory that went back to it. I went explosive on my ex a few times then, I always did it because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I know this sounds crazy but I never meant to drive him away. I obviously did and who can blame him? But he never understood how depressed I was. I annoyed him thoroughly- I sent him a bunch of messages, called him constantly and texted him, even when he told me to stop and when he was in class. I woke him up when he was sick (in my defense he never told me he was sick I wouldn’t have called if Id known) He sometimes did call me, only when I called him first, and would act normal but not a lot, I started sending him emails…not mean emails. I sent him one that had an article about what I was going through and another one describing how sad I was and it was worrying me because I couldn’t concentrate on anything including schoolwork.

I then started seeing a counselor. The first month I didn’t get better but then after that I got better fast, within 2 months I was almost back to normal. I made the mistake in the very beginning of my counseling of telling my ex that my counselor said I shouldn’t really try to stay friends with those who wouldn’t support me in my time of need because those people aren’t true friends and they aren’t emotionally mature enough to be my friend. This obviously pissed him off.

The last time we really truly talked it was after the very last time I got explosive with him. (I’ve completely stopped now.) He said he got my emails and didn’t feel like reading them. He talked to me earlier that day, was mad that I called him in class with a teacher there, that he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to talk to me 24/7. He also said he didn’t understand why I called him constantly and that since he isn’t emotionally mature enough like my counselor said, he wouldn’t make me feel better and I shouldn’t call him. He also said he didn’t understand what I was going through. He didn’t act like he cared because he was still mad at me. He did say he wanted to be good friends eventually but not right now. I said I wouldn’t call him all the time if I actually had someone at school for me to talk to, I told him about my friends situation. I said I always had to be the one to call him, and I only did that when I was in a very bad mood, he never called me on a better day. I told him I didn’t need to talk to him all the time if I could just hear from him once a week that’d be fine. He said he would do that.

He’s right- he never made me feel better. In fact he always made me feel worse and I knew that on some level so I’m not sure why I kept pestering him- I always did it during the day when I wasn’t super busy and I felt like I was being eaten away from sadness and I couldn’t do anything…when I did sometimes feel better I had no urge to do that.

I wanted someone who would stick by me…he wasn’t that person. A lot of people have said he must not be a good person for that- but how I acted and what I did was awful. I highly doubt anyone would have stuck by me acting like that. You can feel bad for someone but when they are that clingy and sometimes nasty it’s normal for someone to be pushed away. I’m not excusing his behavior but I understand why he was so cold to me. I didn’t understand when I was depressed but now that I’m all better I do. Before this event happened to me, if one of my friends put me through all that I don’t think I would have been the perfect supporter.

Now my question is, is it hopeless to think he’d ever forgive me and see me as the old me? Im def. all better now, looking back on this time is kind of like a dream to me. I don’t bank on him being in my future anymore. In fact, I have liked many other people and I fell hard for another guy since then. They didn’t work out but I still have hope someday something will. So I don’t want you to think when I say if he’d ever forgive me that means would he want to get back together.
I was thinking I should go No Contact for awhile and contact him later down the road to see how he reacts. His anger is going to take awhile to subside. I pissed him off so many times. In the past when I did (such as when we dated and right after) he always forgave me. This time Im hoping he will too but I’ve made him so mad for so long its going to be awhile.

Will this whole thing blow over with time? I guess I am hoping at some point when he doesn’t hear from me for awhile, he will figure out I was not myself at all and that I was just going through a hard time…and he wouldn't hold it against me in the future.

I’d appreciate any opinions, even if they are harsh. He did love me at one point but I am personally leaning towards that this guy will never forgive me or look at me the same again and if we became good friends again it would never be close to what is was before…

[Teresa51]

I wonder if you are truly taking care of yourself--emotionally and mentally. Rape is a horrendous crime and it is my hope that you told the police. I don't see how you can heal from that if you don't report it. I cannot imagine having to deal with that day after day, year after year. And it is my hope that you will continue the counseling even AFTER you tell the police. And by the way---even if you WERE drunk when it occurred, the guy who raped you is TOTALLY at fault! TOTALLY!! It was not your fault in any shape, form or fashion! You did not ask him to rape you!

That being said:

Look, you have been hurt and betrayed by this other guy---the boyfriend! This is not someone you should spend much more time thinking about in my view. He has made his decision and he has told you many times with his actions that he wants out of your life. You should respect that decision! It seems to me that you were kind of taking the blame for the way this guy has reacted to you over and over-----you say you made him angry. Although it is true that we can do things that may provoke others, it is their choice how they react. You did not MAKE him angry, he decided that for himself.

As hard as it may seem right now, you should ask yourself why in the world you want to be around someone who acts the way this guy acts?? Why would you want that drama! Why wouldn't you want a man who is prone to treat you tenderly at all times, value your ideas, your thoughts, and is waiting with bated breath to hear your voice?

Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not get angry with you every time you turn around! To do otherwise is pure foolishness!

[kaitou]

Hi danadurdur,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

I don't think he's mad or piss at you, I think he's more on the line of don't know how to deal with you. It sounded like he was the person that you would turn to at times of crisis, and he wasn't ready to handle that. You know he probably wanted to help in the beginning, but perhaps the responsibility just got heavier and heavier, and it probably overwhelmed him. And each time when he tried to back away, you would push further, which probably made him scared.

Anyway for now, I would suggest that you continue your counseling, because it appears that you're still affected by the sexual assault. It is something that you can probably never forget, so it is important to find healthy ways to cope with it. Once you know that you're in control again, that's when I think you should start thinking about your relationship with your ex again. Because I think that is when you'll be able to think logically and reasonably.

Right now, you still sound very invested into your relationship with him, so I don't think it'll be a good idea to contact him, because of all the feelings and emotions you still have for him. Maybe wait like a year or two and see if you still want to contact him, and be friends. Then I think there would be a better chance to becomes friends again. And if he welcome you with open arms, then you know he's a goood friend and that he understood your past actions...

Anyway I feel like I'm rambling.. hope this help!