[lovesherman]

I have been in a committed relationship with the love of my life for the last 2 years. My high school sweetheart and I reconnected after 25 years. We are both divorced and have adult children. It has been an wondeful experience, except of late for me because I am kind of worried. I had noticed even early on that often times he couldn't come while we are having intercourse. He will make me happy but just can't seem to come. It wasn't all the time, however I have noticed that in the past month or so sex has become less and less frequent. He also isn't as demostrative as before and lately is intitating sex. The last 2 weeks we have had sex 3 or 4 times, and he has never come. He also has never come when I performed oral sex on him either. I know that he must have masturbated for the last 10 -15 years, since his wife and he never had sex. He never has a problem with getting an erection, but as stated, can't come that often. I did ask him a question about him not being able to come once, and he kind of brushed me off. I haven't said anything to him about this lately. I began to think he might have a problem a while ago, and then we'd have sex and he would come.. occasionally. He is 50 and I am 49. I am in really good shape, very active, and he thinks I am as he says "the hottest girl" he's ever known. I started becoming paranoid especially in the past couple of weeks, since there is no initiation, no seeming interest, and no come when we do engage. Three days ago I was at his place and I for some reason looked in the wastebasket next to his bed... there was a lot of tissues he had definitely had masturbated in. Yesterday 2 more. Today one more. Now I know he is getting off, its just not with me. I know that masturbation is completely normal and everyone does it... even if they are in a physical relationship. I have even told him I masturbate occasionally with a vibrator, and he is completely okayl with it. How do I handle this with out making him feel freaked out, screwing with his male ego, and jeopardizing our relationship? He has a big job and enough pressure at work, is a very quiet person, and doesn't speak freely about his emotions and feelings. I would never mention the wastebasket findings, but need to do something in order to get him off "the hand" and back on the girl. I know he adores me and is so good to me, and has asked me to marry him. I love this man more than life and just want to make him happy. I am willing to do anything to make this good for both of us. By the way I absolutely love sex and he knows it. What should I do?? I would so appreciate any advice in order to help with this. Thanks so much.

[twinkiedooter]

Have you ever really sat him down and asked him if he's happy with doing it so many times by himself instead of with you? Like you said about the first wife and sexless marriage, it could possibly be somethng that he's gotten into some kind of habit over. Men and sex is a strange subject and generally they don't want to talk about it. If he's okay with things the way they are, you need to simply "get over" the fact about his not coming when he's with you. If everything else is okay with your relationship, this could possibly work itself out over time, but it won't if you are over there in the corner brooding about this. Just take this in stride and if he's a good man and good to you, you need to just overlook this and not dwell on it any longer.

[lovesherman]

I haven't asked him because it really hasn't become an issue for me until late. I'm sure it was or is a habit, but our sex life had been very active and good even though he didn't come all the time. He is stressed right now with kid issues, a recent finalization of divorce and a new & bigger job position, which is really stressful. He is very quiet and interalizes his emotions for the most part... but that is him... and I love him and give him his space. I know I could accept it if that is the way it is to be, but I feel like I should be at least a participant in the sexual experience if we are to enjoy each other and be a partnership. I have never said anything to him about my feelings about this and never brood, but I just wish it could be reciprocal and I could make him happy sexually. His happiness is mine. He is such a good man and yes, he is so good to me and I will take this in stride to keep him happy in the relationship. I guess I just wish it was me instead of his hand, who he would go to... because I am a green light and would never say no to having sex with him, because it is so wonderful just to be intimate with him. He is worth the sacrifice. I just notice he isn't as into it as before, and I don't want this to be the end of our "reconnection" after all this time, quite yet. I have thought about this and figure maybe I should try instead of fighting it... to join it. I decided I am going to ask him how he would like me to touch him, play with him etc, and get advice from the horse, but not be overbearing, aggressive, and patient most of all. Perhaps it will enlighten both of us. If he is closed down and unwilling... then he isn't ready yet, and I will give him all the time he needs. He is the love of my life. If this doesn't work out, I will stand by him and love him anyway regardless. So... I will try to not dwell on it. I just want to give it a try to see if it can be remedied and hope there is some advice out there that could help. Thanks so much for your help and answers too Twinkiedooter. Any other advice from you or anyone?