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heartbrokenguy · Aug 28, 2008, 04:00 AM

My girlfriend ended a 11 year relationship, almost 8 months ago, and since I have gone through hell as I loved her deeply from my heart. I have seen quite a few psycho trappist & psychiatrist since then and they have prescribed me so many different antidepressant but none have helped me to this point to come off my severe depression. I am taking 4-6, 5mg diazepam every day to lessen my sadness but even those tablets are not working as they should anymore!
I have maintained NC through all 8 months but now I can not bear it inside me any more as I miss her so much and dreaming about her almost every night and tears running down my eyes every morning before I go to work.

Please help me how to deal with my emotions and how to forget sadness her :(

p.s. I have been dating and had sexual with quite a few girls since but every time I do this I feel so guilty inside me and getting even more depressed :(.

Should I approach her for another chance to build a new relationship? Because I have realized that I have always loved her and still love her... :(

HelpSkippy · Aug 28, 2008, 04:37 AM

I feel for you. This sounds like a difficult situation you are going through, and eleven years is a very long time. As for advice, I think you as an individual need to find a way to cope with this and manage it. I would strongly advise against anti-depressants for this reason.

I don't want to be the one to give you advise about if you should approach her or not, but I do think, as hard as this may be to take, that if she has not contacted you in eight months then it is probably over for good. Even if you started seeing her again, it would be a one sided relationship surely, which is not sustainable in the long term.

As for future girlfriends, try not to compare them to your ex or even think about her. Everyone you date will be unique and special in a way so just relax and take things as they come. The key problem here is that because you miss your ex, you tend to put her on a pedestal, only thinking about the good times, her qualities, and the positive parts of the relationship. The reality is different however, and each girl is special in their own way. Try to let yourself get involved with a girl, and great things may happen.

Good luck.

heartbrokenguy · Aug 28, 2008, 05:14 AM

I forgot to mention that, she is calling me every two weeks or so to see how I am keeping and she sends me some heart worming emails despite I have been asking her firmly to not contacting me in any situations but she's just ignoring it. I tried to approach her in the beginning of our broke up but she did not wanted to have a relationship with me anymore . However, her recent emails are more heart warming and she's mentioning that she would never forget me and I am her precious diamond, etc... and she wants me to forgive her for all troubles, she has caused me through these 8 months.

On the other side I do not know if she just wants to be my friend or she wants me back too as I do not want to take the step again and be rejected again.

Please advice me how to deal with this dilemma?

liz28 · Aug 28, 2008, 06:37 AM

If you see an email from her, don't open it. If she calls, don't answer. This break-up have damage you a lot and having a toll with your mental health. If it keeps up, you can start getting sick. Besides the being put on medicine, are the theraphy sessions helping at all? I don't think so. You need to try another oultlet and heal yourself. Just because your ex is contacting you it doesn't mean she wants you back. I think you need to join a support group, it might help better.

talaniman · Aug 28, 2008, 07:46 AM

Lets put this in perspective, you simply have not had a chance to heal. After all that history, you have a lot of healing to do, and haven't given yourself a fair chance to do it. Neither of you have let go of the other.

Your solution is to stop talking to her, and stop taking her calls, and read the four stickies, for rebuilding your life, without her in it. Every email, or text, or phone calls, are only feeding you false hope, and distract you from doing what is necessary for you to heal, and accept that she is no longer part of your life.

The stickies will provide you with some insights, and suggestions, to help you move on, and learn to love yourself for who you are, but first you must find, and define yourself again. READ THEM, and ask any questions that you have.

Use the link in my signature.

Romefalls19 · Aug 28, 2008, 09:07 AM

Tal is the man! He said everything that needed to be said, all I can say is follow his advice!

heartbrokenguy · Sep 1, 2008, 07:20 AM

Thank you all for your advices... I was badly drunk on Saturday after a night out with my old uni friends. I got home by 5am and decided to send a txt message to my ex to say that I still LOVED her (tears were running down from my eyes)... but what a mistake.. she txted me back saying that she has moved on and I need to move on as well and I will find someone I love very soon...
I woke up quite late the next day and I send her another txt apologizing for my unappropriate txt messages as I was drunk and asked her to ignore/delete them as I have done the same.

I am hating myself of being like this, a weak person and not being able to pull through this all by myself, finally today I have seriously decide to do exactly as Liz & Talman advised and just forget about her and move on... Please wish me luck to be strong enough to pull through this by myself without taking any anti-depressant or seeing any psychiatrist...

talaniman · Sep 1, 2008, 08:43 AM

Please wish me luck to be strong enough to pull through this by myself without taking any anti-depressant or seeing any psychiatrist...

Give yourself a break, recovering from the death of an 11 year relationship, is monumental in itself. The mourning and grieving process has hardly started, mainly because of the contact you still maintain. When that is dealt with, ( by going strictly NC!! ) THE HEALING CAN START FOR REAL!! You can't be friends now, and ignoring her is the start of moving on, whether she agrees or likes it. Not her concern anymore, is it??

Its not about being strong, its more about learning to love yourself, and being good to yourself, and being VERY proactive in treating yourself well!

Fr_Chuck · Sep 1, 2008, 12:58 PM

Starting over is hard, have you really cleaned house, not just mentally but actually, gone though and taken everything that reminds you of her out of the house,

In fact sometimes I know people that finally have to move to a new house, even a new town to get a new start to finally get over it.

Also I could preach all day on drinking while on mental health medication. And drinking alone helps lead into depression

plonak · Sep 1, 2008, 10:47 PM

I like the advice that was given, take it

Also, I suggest you take her number out of your phone.. (I know you probably have it memorized but it's still good to get it out)

I also suggest that you change your phone number so she stops calling you.. also change your email.. don't go to the old email.. even have a friend change the password for you so you don't ever go to it again..

This event is life changing.. you have the choice to make it a positive change, better yourself and get out in the world and find someone worth your time and love

heartbrokenguy · Sep 2, 2008, 02:57 AM

Thanks once more for the advices. I have maintained NC for months sometimes in these nearly 9 months now but even maintaining absolutely NC, I still was dreaming about her every night and waking up with tears running down my eyes. I think, I am truly in love with this girl because she is very special for me...

I have been so depressed for the past 8 months, I have even tried twice to take a mixture of sleeping tablets with alcohol to just get into deep sleep and not come back to the reality of my life again.

Please, help me to completely forget about this girl and not to dream about her every night.

p.s. I have done almost all the points on the stickies on this topic, and even seeing psychoterapist & psychiatrist once a week for the past 8 months but to no avail :(.

I am open to any suggestions to feel normal again... advice...

Ithappenstoall · Sep 2, 2008, 04:20 AM

I know this may be extreme but maybe take a drastic step and move to a whole different new place and start fresh. I know it is unrealistic and she will still be for a while in your mind but being somewhere new without antything to relate to her could help you.
You coming here and venting here is also therapeutic and will help, and you should as often as you feel like it but above all now stay away from her.

busterite · Sep 2, 2008, 04:31 AM

Why haven't you been able to maintain NC for the whole 9 months? Have you been breaking NC and contacting her or has she been contacting you on her own initiative?

For your own good I suggest you set a target that you will never break NC again until you stop feeling the way you do. Possibly start keeping a diary and write down your dreams and your thoughts. Then whenever you feel like breaking contact go back and read the first pages of the diary to remind you why you shouldn't.

I mean 11 years is a very long time and you will need more than a few months to get over this. Also can I suggest you stay off the alcohol for quite some time, and possibly start a sports activity. You really should start taking better care of yourself. This has become a vicious cycle because you are harming yourself and she knows that and in order to ease her guilt contacts you. You need to escape this loop. I understand she is very special to you and that is why although you have been dating you still feel like this.

I can't say I am in exactly the same situation because in my case it was only 3 years. She left me for someone else. 2 months later I still dream about her. At first the dreams were really disturbing and I would wake up in the middle of the night and could not go back to sleep. With time the dreams have become milder but still very real. I recently dreamt that I woke up from a nightmare to see she was sleeping next to me and felt so safe, but then woke up for real to find out she wasn't really. The weird part was that it didn't hurt as much as the first weeks so I can only say that if you hang in there and persist long enough it will get better.

Another thing is do you have friends or family around you that really care for you and can give you the support you need at this time? Would moving away for a while be an option for you? Getting a new fresh start?

There are loads of people here that will give you some good advice but at the end of the day you are the one that needs to make these changes happen. You do have the strength to face this and we are here to remind you whenever you start doubting yourself again.

busterite · Sep 2, 2008, 04:33 AM

Sorry I didn't see the post by ithappenstoall when I started writing this. I totally agree with the idea for a new start

talaniman · Sep 2, 2008, 06:08 AM

Expect to dream of her and feel empty, as 11 years is a long time to be with someone, and the healing process is even harder. Stop drinking for a while and put some new people, and activities in your life. You more than ever must be proactive at this time with your healing, as it will be a while until you can move on. Stay with it, and find things that makes you feel good about yourself. Volunteering, is at the top of my list.

talaniman · Sep 2, 2008, 06:09 AM

Get busy, a gym membership is right up your alley.

heartbrokenguy · Sep 3, 2008, 10:13 AM

I have really decided to listen to you all guys this time to give time to myself for healing from all those 11 years. I will try to keep my head cool and occupy myself with different hobbies to forget about her hopefully some time soon.

My only problem is now that I have got really addicted to diazepam after taking a daily dosage of 30-40 mg for the past 8 months and I would not be able to go to work without taking a few first in the morning after waking up.

Do you think I should be getting help from my GP to stop taking these tablets? Or just continue to take it until I feel slightly better in a few more months time, then stop it.

I really appreciate all your help by giving advice to confused people like me... :(

busterite · Sep 3, 2008, 10:37 AM

If I am not mistaken in these cases you cannot just stop taking the medication, you can only phase it out. But I have no personal experience of this and if you are interested in stopping I would definitely recommend talking to a professional, the GP would probably be the best place to start. Don't take any action by yourself because you might end up causing more harm without knowing it. Its good to hear you are determined to take control of your life again.

Applejacks83irv · Sep 3, 2008, 11:20 AM

Man! Dude you letting a female get you sick!! Fin up your heath! Over her! Were your at? Your still stuck on stage one!.

Romefalls19 · Sep 3, 2008, 11:36 AM

Apple, horrible advice. You are no where near stage one! You have come a lot farther than you, yourself thought was possible! Keep your head up, it was an 11 year relationship that was severed. NO ONE is going to blame you for being really heartbroken and your mental health suffering. What we do like is how you are taking notice and getting the proper help for it!

Congrats!