[GW28]

I moved back in after being gone about a week... I was about to move to another town and she came by and begged me not to leave saying "I can't live without you, please don't leave me." So of course, with the fragile state I was in, I gave in and stayed.. Things have been getting better because of something we all call communication... but anyway, something else is starting to bother me... I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or what... anyways...
Last night she made a profile on some website telling me it was because she wanted to be able to talk to her cousin... plus she made separate profiles on the computer for everyone to use saying that she didn't like her settings being changed... anyways, I looked up the site and noticed her profile... now this is where it gets strange... her profile says that she's interested in dating and friendships... now, I thought at first I was over reacting... so I sat back and thought about it for a while... I calmed down and looked at it again... then I noticed that all the pics of her on this site were... I'll say "busty" pics... now am I over reacting or what?

[talaniman]

This is something to talk about, calmly. With your history of break ups, calmly is the way to go.

[ylaira]

Ur feelings is understood. People can say here "Its just an internet" but you are bothered. How's that? You should talk and meet halfway. If she still refused to update that site, the decision is yours. Take her or leave her.

[GW28]

Well, I talked to her... it didn't go well because she says that I need to get a life of my own separate of hers... I guess she's right... I don't have very many friends anymore, but I generally make friends pretty easy. She says she's trying to meet other girls... I don't mind this because I know she's bi... she's just wanting to bring some excitement to our relationship again...

[sweety]

You need to sit down and talk to her about this and explain how uncomfortable it is making you feel.

[Guidostern]

Did you do like Tal said and talk about it calmly? With the fragile state of things, it seems like this could cause you some major setbacks if she's the way my woman can be. If all she wants is some space, give her some space... go out and hang with your friends a little more... let your relationship be part of your life; not your entire life.

[GW28]

Yes, I talked about it calmly. Now I find out that she changed my profile on OUR laptop... I'm not an administrator anymore like I should be... I can't search for anything and can only visit 3-4 websites... This is not right, I know she has something to hide now... I am so mad I can barely see straight... What should I do about this? I don't want to get mad and blow my top on her in the morning... I don't understand why she is doing this sh*t!!

[Guidostern]

Okay... you need to get a grip on yourself... if you want things to work, you have to be willing to take her feelings into consideration. Given your past with her, you have to make sure that you are doing everything you can to keep yourself on an even keel for YOU... If you continue to be angry and let resentment take over, then you'll never get to where you want to be... just calm down... take a drive, lift some weights, do something without her for a change. Don't blow up on her when she first wakes up in the morning. Just think about how it would make you feel if this person who tells you that she loves you just started yelling and screaming at you after you woke up in the morning... it's not a very pleasant thought, is it?

Don't go to bed angry, don't wake up angry. You make the choice to react this way, you can make the choice to react with consideration for her feelings and show her a little bit of respect. You said that you spoke to her calmly, but did you listen to what she had to say? Communication is a very important key to making a relationship work. If you approach her and she's not ready to talk, just wait; she will be.

Once she is ready to talk about it, you should be calm. If you can't calm down, talk to a friend about it first. Get rid of all that pinned up anger that you seem to have right now... if this is normal, it's vital that you fix the problems that you are having with your anger before anything else. No one likes a grouch... especially when you have to come home to one.

So she changed your comp profile... it can be fixed. You need to start building that trust that you have been talking about in your previous posts. This is not a way to do that. If your girl is anything like mine, anger doesn't help anything... it just shows her that you haven't changed, and probably never will.

Like I said, don't go to bed angry because you'll just wake up that way. Good luck with this, don't forget yourself in the process.

[talaniman]

She says she's trying to meet other girls... I don't mind this because I know she's bi... she's just wanting to bring some excitement to our relationship again...

She is correct to a point, you do need a life outside of her, very badly I might add, but your competing against other females for her attention, and think your hanging in for the hope of other females she may attract and bring to your bed. Make up your mind whether this free sex life style is for you, as obviously its causing you problems. If that's what you want, what's all this jealousy and insecurity about?

If that's all this relationship is built on your in trouble. The fact your not communicating or working together is a bad sign. Get over the anger, and just let her know what you expect, and what bothers you, or its time to go again.

Your staying calm and rational is your goal.

[GW28]

That's not all our relationship is built off. If that's all the relationship was built off, we wouldn't be together after 6 years. I woke up this morning and asked her why she did that. At first she said it was because she didn't want her settings changed. I reminded her about what I do for a living and she changed her tune. She told me that since I won't give her some privacy, then she's going to take it. I don't understand this because I have never done anything to violate her privacy. I asked her what she is hiding and she said "I promise, I am not hiding anything from you." Her actions tell me otherwise.

By the way, I do have a grip on myself...

[Romefalls19]

If the laptop is hers, you don't have a saying anything she puts on that thing. If it is both of yours then you can push the envelope a little further. However, with the history of your relationship I don't see you guys lasting much longer. Obviously the emotional dust has not settled between you two and ill feelings are still there.

[GW28]

It's our laptop. I'm getting over it as we speak... it's not worth being mad about... she wants some privacy, I'll give her some privacy. I am just trying to get her to communicate with me at this point. I understand her wanting her privacy, I want the same thing sometimes... but I don't try to hide things from her anymore.

For the last two days all she has done is come home and stay online for hours and hours. I have some plans to go out with a couple of friends to a gun range tomorrow. I figure if I start having my own life outside of our relationship, then things will get better. I need her to communicate with me though. I can't do this all by myself and I told her that. I don't know how to get her to talk to me anymore.

[Guidostern]

Start with giving her some time to herself. Don't get me wrong, I think we all understand some of your concerns... but you got to give her some time to herself. Things aren't just going to instantly be the way they were before. Trust was broken, and it seems like you both took each other for granted. It's going to take a while to build back up, but don't think you can do it by yourself. She has to be willing to work on it too. I think it's great that you're thinking of going out with friends. You do need a life outside of hers, and very badly as Tal says. Believe it or not, absence does make the heart grow fonder... if you show her that you can have a life outside hers, then that will help things... I'm sure it will.

You got to take things slow... do you remember why she fell in love with you? If you do, then go back to being that guy. It sounds like you're being the desperate, clingy, needy guy who just wants her all to himself... it doesn't work that way, especially with women. They think about things different than we do. While we can be happy just kicking back watching sports center, they want to go out and explore... doing their own thing.

You have to communicate with her. Set down and tell her how you feel when she's ready to talk. Make sure that she knows you are serious. Make sure she knows you care about her, but don't be clingy... everyone hates clingy.

[GW28]

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[GW28]

I'm not being clingy. I gave her some time by herself last night and she thanked me when I came into the bedroom. When I woke up this morning, she had left me a small note apologizing for not waking me, but she knew I worked hard yesterday, just to come home and work on the house and yard. She said "You looked so adorable and peaceful sleeping. I just couldn't wake you. I love you and will see you this afternoon." This made me feel better because we're getting somewhere. We will continue to get somewhere as long as I have my own life outside of hers. This is far from being over... we're just starting it up again. She's getting to know me again, and I'm learning a lot about her.

It doesn't help that her little brother who is in college lives with us. He always comes around at the worst times. He makes bad jokes, and makes her mad a lot. I find myself having to tell him to lay off a lot. He has to work tonight, I think... so I am going to make a nice dinner and just spend some time with her without the drama. I'm off today, so I'm making sure that the house is neat and everything too...

[talaniman]

Your right, patients, as this is a very long process, but worth it.

[GW28]

I am learning patience again. I seem to want the entire world right now, and I don't like to wait... but I got to wait. I got to make sure that I'm taking her feelings into consideration, just like Guido says... The truth of the matter is that I haven't been doing that, and it's time to start. That's why we had so many problems is I spent six years worrying about myself and my feelings instead of hers too.

How do I get her to communicate with me though?

[talaniman]

Lead by example, without pressuring her. That's the glue of any relationship. Be aware that just because there are fewer words than you would like, paying attention may let you read a females non verbal communications. Her actions have to be weighed in also.

[GW28]

She texted me just a few minutes ago. I asked her what she is doing tonight and she said spending time with me. I have some things planned out right now and I'm going to try to make a romantic evening for her, without the drama. I'll give her a little while even though it's hard to not talk to her about what we need to do. I just don't want her to hide anything from me, or to feel like she has to... that's my entire problem with all of this. I had to find all of this out through a mutual friend, and it sucks to know that she doesn't feel like she can be honest with me and tell me what is going on...

[fjsmith81]

Well, I talked to her...it didn't go well because she says that I need to get a life of my own separate of hers...I guess she's right...I don't have very many friends anymore, but I generally make friends pretty easy. She says she's trying to meet other girls...I don't mind this because I know she's bi...she's just wanting to bring some excitement to our relationship again...

She tells you that she is trying to bring some excitement into the relationship, huh? Generally when someone tries to bring some excitement into the relationship the other person is included. Unless it's your birthday. Is it your birthday? I didn't think so. She probably wants to bring some excitement into her life by sleeping with someone else behind your back. You can talk calmy and have a civilized conversation all you want, but I am going to tell you from the sound of things your relationship is a done deal. You should have just stuck with your initial actions of moving out, but I would add to it. NOT LOOK BACK!!

Good Luck