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Moonbeam2 · Aug 24, 2008, 09:24 AM

I believe in getting to know a person and being friends first, but after 20 dates shouldn't he be physical?

CURIOUS08 · Aug 24, 2008, 12:38 PM

I would say so... getting past a "friends" zone is being intimate with one another. Are you having a "relationship" with this guy or does he consider you a "friend". He might just consider you as a friend if he has not been physical after 20 dates. Everyone is different, but I have never been in a situation like that. Usually after 20 dates, there is some kind of relationship status. How old are you both? I would ask him where your relationship stands with him...

Moonbeam2 · Aug 24, 2008, 02:05 PM

He is 63 and I am 57. We are both widowed (him 4 yrs and me 7 yrs). At first I thought he was just being a gentleman and I appreciated it thinking he truly wanted friendship first. Now I'm thinking he has some kind of issue(s) with moving on after losing a spouse of 37 yrs. I was married to my spouse for 31 yrs, but I am ready to move on. A mutual friend told me that this guy had had a relationship (too soon) with a woman 3 months. After he was widowed and that possibly he was just lonely or trying to "make" himself move on, but when it failed (he broke it off) he moved out of state and came here and that's when I met him. This mutual friend set us up and told me to just be his friend and not push him, explaining his "not waiting to heal" past experience, and just see where it goes. We enjoy each other's company immensely (mostly boating and water activities) and have so much in common it is scary. I have never pried into his past life or feelings, only listened when he wanted to share. We have both discussed our spouses deaths from cancer, but he gets to a point where he stops and says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and I've never pushed him. After each boating trip we hug and tell each other what an awesome time we had together, then I await for him to call and make another date. I did kiss him on the neck once (accident), then he kissed me on the lips. That's it. I did notice that when he comes over for dinner he is extremely nervous just sitting on the couch with me watching a movie. I have never been forward with him and don't intend to, but I am just wondering if I should maybe ask him about our relationship, if we have chemistry, or just keep on being his friend when I really want more!

CURIOUS08 · Aug 24, 2008, 02:19 PM

I am younger than you so I don't really have too much to offer you in a situation like this. I know from experience that my father passed away and my mom is widowed. She doesn't even think of being with another man... but she wouldn't mind someone I think when she's older just to have company... but not sex.
I personally think that he is afraid of getting sexually involved since his wife's passing. I think that he really wants to be with you and spend his time with you, but perhaps you are the first woman he would be phsycial with and he doesn't really know what to do.
I think after 20 dates you owe it to yourself to ask him about the relationship. At least this way if he says he wants you as a friend, you can go and put your heart into someone else. Just be very compassionate about it to him so he doesn't feel pressured.

talaniman · Aug 24, 2008, 07:14 PM

How long have you been dating??

Moonbeam2 · Aug 24, 2008, 07:47 PM

Two months with consistent Friday, Saturday, Sunday dates (boating, fishing, swimming on the lake) without being physical. About the only physical thing we do is rub sun tan lotion on each other! Some dates have been more than 14 hours as we are on the lake all day, then go out for dinner that night! He lives nearby and we always go our separate ways between dates. Each "lake date" is better than the previous one and we have a great time together (he even remarks how awesome). The time always seems to fly when we're together, but we just don't seem to ever get to the physical stage although we joke around about it. He appears to be attracted to me, but scared to let go and it's driving me crazy since I'm a touchy, feely, loving person. I do not chase him, but I want to... help! I want to let him know how I feel, but fear I will run him off.

Moonbeam2 · Jun 29, 2009, 10:12 PM

My relationship with the widower has been over a year now and we are intimate. We are totally compatible and have a great time together, but he tells me he wants to date other women because he isn't sure about his feelings for me. I have a real problem with this, since I have chosen not to date other men, but feel he just might realize his feelings for me if he does date (I'm thinking the "release the bird...if it returns to you it's yours" saying. Should I be patient and let him wander hoping he'll return to me or just cut my losses and move on?

57373 · Jun 29, 2009, 10:18 PM

How do you know he won't need this break again?

Its certainly not a good sign this soon in the relationship (yeah 1 year is soon... for someone who has been married in the past), he should be completely into you (if he's sincere)

I don't believe this break is because of grief either,because that tends to fade over time.

I don't believe in the 'if you love something let it go and see if it comes back'

Rather the 'if something loves you,it won't go in the first place'

Moonbeam2 · Jun 29, 2009, 10:27 PM

This is very true and my gut feeling is to get out now before I get even more emotional about him and hurt. Thanks for your insight!

friend4u178 · Jun 29, 2009, 11:26 PM

If he wants to date other women then he's being honest with you.

So your choice , either let him date other women and you be his meat on the side when he can't can't get anything else.

Or let him know it's either exclusive for both of you or nothing.

slapshot_oi · Jun 30, 2009, 05:57 AM

He'll wander back to you when things don't work out with other women, stay with you for a while, and then leave again when he feels that someone better comes along. So yeah, like you said, just get out now.

On the bright-side, I guess you can appreciate his honesty.

I wish · Jun 30, 2009, 06:43 AM

It sounds pretty clear to me that he wants to date other women. Accept his honesty and for not leading you on.

Time for you to move on.

liz28 · Jun 30, 2009, 06:55 AM

Don't sit around waiting for him because you going to be just waiting waiting. This is no way to live.

Get out there and start meeting guys. Your going to meet someone who is looking for the same thing as you.

talaniman · Jun 30, 2009, 07:05 AM

You worked so hard to be intimate with someone, now he wants to date others. Let him, and you do the same, and don't fall for the friends with benefits crap either.

He doesn't want to be exclusive, and that's his right, but don't get stuck on him. No more sex. That means a new partner.