[tiggerella]

My husband and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary, so you would think that I wouldn't have to ask such a question, but his behavior over the past few months has me wondering...

You see, when my husband and I first started dating, an ex-boyfriend was busily spreading rumors about me all over the college campus. In real short order, the rumors were proven to be untrue because I am nothing like the person my ex was saying I was, but I have seen some behavior from my husband to make me wonder if he doesn't still believe the rumor that I "slept around' on my ex....

During the early days of our dating, my husband would dance with any girls he knew at the parties we attended, but would berate me for dancing with the boyfriends of the girls he knew. When accused of being jealous, he would swear he just was protecting me from a man who was a real womanizer.

Shortly after we were married, we went to see a band my brother was playing in and one of the band members I had known for years wrapped me in a big hug. My hubby started posturng like an old rooster meeting a younger rooster, and never fully relaxed for the rest of the evening despite numerous assurances from both myself and the band member that we thought of each other as siblings.

When we got our first computer, the friend who set us up with it showed us a chat room he liked to go into. Both hubby and I went in from time to time and became friends with many of the people - but when one young man tried to tease my hubby by saying he was going to come and steal me away, the chat room was banned as a site that could be used on our computer EVER again. (And despite several apologetic emails from the young man in which he told my hubby it was just a game to test his sense of humor, the young man's name isn't even allowed to be mentioned in our home.)

Last fall, when he got into a big pile of trouble over a drinking problem, my hubby started going to A.A. He is now 9 months clean and sober, and since he blamed many of the above incidences on drinking, I'm at a loss to explain the most recent sign of him being jealous - pr possible a little schizo:

In the spring, I was approached at a web site geared to helping people reconnect with friends from high school and college by a guy both my husband and I knew in college. When I told him of the contact, he seemed pleased to hear from the gent, and over the next few months, we spoke to this friend often about an injury he had sustained that my husband and I have personal experience with. When my husband didn't have time to read the emails from our friend himself, I would paraphrase what had been said, get his opinion on how to respond, and send off our combined response. We compared medical experiences, discussed how hubby and I managed to get ourselves off the pain medicines for the condition before we got addicted, and sent our friend fun web sites to distract him while he healed. Unfortunately, the friend's wife saw only that he was getting emails from a strange woman, so rather than wreck his marriage, we stopped communicating about two weeks ago.

Now, my husband has suddenly changed his opinion about the friend and his "motives" for getting in touch.

According to my husband in his current frame of mind, no longer is this man a mutual friend who just wanted to connect with a couple he knew in college. He is now someone who had a crush on me and was already having trouble with his marriage, so he got in touch to try to make me his next wife. The injury and the required pain meds that were the primary focus of 99.9% of our discussions over the past several months was just "made up" by the friend so that he could gain my sympathy and break up my marriage. And above all else, I'm not allowed to go to my mother's house alone for my niece's wedding in a couple of weeks because our friend lives in the same town and I just might decide that, after 25 years of marriage, NOW is the time that I'm going to cheat on my husband - within two weeks of a renewal ceremony in which I vowed to love, honor and cherish him not just until death, but throughout eternity!

So what do you all think? Is my husband just extremely jealous and unwilling to admit his flaw? Or should I be seeking counseling for us because he's totally schizo?

[StaticFX]

Its as plain as the nose on his face. He is just the jealous type.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

He is jealous & it certainly could help to get some counseling to sort out why he's unreasonably so, if that's the case. Some people equate love with jealousy which is not the case at all, but instead it's driven by fears of some sort.

What the roots of that fear(s) causing him to act that way is, even he may not be able to tell you without some 3rd party help. The obvious ones are fear of being cheated on, of being left / abandoned, a mistrust of people in general & specifically the partner, fear of a divorce, fear of embarrassment or rejection.

Without that knowledge & having it properly addressed, it is a terrible way for him to feel & for you to have to deal with.

[tiggerella]

Many thanks to the two of you who answered. Since hubby is a recovering alcoholic, I approached a mutual friend who is an addiction counselor - and she warned me that he may be just switching addictions. Since his response to her suggestion that we seek marriage counseling was to accuse me of wanting to have an affair with HER (she's gay, I'm not), I've decided to seek counseling on my own and will take her suggestion of going to Al-Anon.

Yes, BetrayalBtCamp, I suspect his behavior is fear related somehow, as I suspect that was why he was drinking, but instead of feeling better after his two meetings per week with people who are in the same boat, he just seems to see whatever they were describing in their lives. (Our counselor friend calls this "ghost in the machine syndrome", meaning he sees ghosts where none exist and can't understand that they really aren't there... )

Blessed be, my friends, and thank you again!

[BetrayalBtCamp]

If he has addiction problems, you're right that there is at least some sort of fear basis to that too. Counseling for yourself is a good idea & hopefully he will be more receptive to joining you at some point.

I suggest you read this great article before getting counseling:

William Doherty: How Therapy Can be Hazardous to Your Marital Health

Also, if he is the adult child of alcoholics or other extremely dysfunctional childhood, some of their material is very good for you to understand where he's coming from.

adult children of alcholics - Google Search

[JBeaucaire]

People who are jealous have a choice to make. They work on the problem (themselves) or they punish the focus of their jealousy (you).

Your husband has chosen the destructive answer. I don't know how much backbone you have, but you WILL have to take his power over you away permanently. He needs to know you love him but can't really be bothered to concern yourself about his jealousies since they are A) nutso, and B) out of your control.

Jealousy can actually be a cute emotion when it is recognized for what it is and discussed THAT WAY. "I'm having trouble with trust and jealousy, so you're going to have to help me through it" is a loving approach to a problem with jealousy.

But he's putting his crazy onto other people, you and old friends and internet names and counselors... and in doing so gives himself permission to take no responsibility. And you're letting him by not putting his crazy back in his lap when he aims it at you.

So, when he does any of that "permission" and "forbidding"... you need to hug him, tell tell him how cute he is with his "little jealousy thing", then remind him you'll talk to whomever you wish, visit whomever you wish, and you expect your best friend and lover to keep his crazy in check and be your best friend.

Then ask him what he wants for dinner.

You have to not only stand up to his crazy, you have to do it in a way that demonstrates the issue is closed with you, you aren't mad or bothered in any way by this silliness, you're just not going to be included.