[misti13]

My fiancé and I want to get married at the courthouse, but we do not want anyone (even our families) to know. If we do this, will we be able to have a wedding in a church later without having people know we got married two years prior? Im worried the church would not do an official wedding ceramony (only a renewing of our vows) since we would already have been legally married.

[Wondergirl]

I'm a preacher's kid, so I have inside information from a Lutheran pov at least.

My dad would marry you, permit a wedding ceremony (like a formal celebration), but you would have to be upfront with him that you are already married. And I think you owe it to your family and guests to tell them the truth. I would not be a happy mommy if my son caused me to think this was the real deal.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, since there will not be a marriage license the pastor has to know, msot denominations will not do a real wedding, since they are not marrying you. But they will bless the marriage.

To be honest a marriage is not something you want to start in secret and hiding, if you can not be public about being married you should not be doing it.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

A marriage that starts with lies is going to be harder to keep on solid ground. When the secret finally pops out which it isn't that hard to do, all hell could break loose with the family. All sorts of bad feelings & anger will get thrown at both of you, some damage may be irrepairable.

I knew a couple that tried to pull this off. Both were living with their iown parents. They were busted when the bride's mom noticed the D getting mail which made her think they'd gotten a wedding license. When she found out they had secretly married, she called the new groom to tell him to pick his bride up to go live with him. He said his mom wouldn't let her move in with them. "Tuff", he was told. "You married her, you live with & support her!". The marriage did last a few years but they did end up divorced.

Why are you thinking a secret marriage would be best for you guys?

[JBeaucaire]

I've actually heard pastor's who RECOMMEND this very thing. Getting married for real a week or two before a wedding can be very stress-reducing. And sex is very stress-reducing, so for Christian couples who are "waiting", this can be a great way to relieve stress legally during the hardest week of their life so far.

So, get married early if there is some legitimate, useful reason to do so. And you will have to get your pastor involved with that process and reasonings.

Ultimately, no one needs to know the goings on in your marriage, not even the real date... except the officiating pastor.

[0rphan]

The church will not be an official wedding because you will already be married.

It will be a blessing by the church.

Maybe it's better to do the whole real thing in the church to start with!

[BetrayalBtCamp]

There is a HUGE difference between a week or two secret marriage & two YEARS which is a very long time to keep a secret & lie.

Never heard of a pastor recommending a secret early marriage so the couple can have stress reducing sex before the wedding either though!

Why do you feel you need to hide the marriage at all, especially for that long?

[misti13]

Thank you everyone for your help. Seeing how I am getting somewhat conflicting answers, I think I'm just going to go to a priest himself. As for starting the marriage on lies... my fiancé is in the military. I'm moving to be where he is based (a today drive from where our families live). We want to be married before he ships out, then have the wedding after he has been home for a few months. His family has forbidden the marriage for the next 2 years and threatened to disown him, but we want to be married since we've been together for 5 years. So thank you again for the answers, I just felt like I should explain the situation for those who have said this is a bad idea.

[JBeaucaire]

Never heard of a pastor recommending a secret early marriage so the couple can have stress reducing sex before the wedding either tho!

Hey, new experiences, eh? Personally, I was very impressed by the pastors I met who had this in their "suggestion" arsenal. It shows very progressive thinking for people trying to adhere to the tenets of their faith... anyway, separate topic, huh?

his family has forbidden the marriage for the next 2 years and threatened to disown him, but we want to be married since we've been together for 5 years. so thank you again for the answers, i just felt like i should explain the situation for those who have said this is a bad idea.

Maybe I'm simplistic, but families that lay down ultimatums like that are families you WANT to minimize your involvement with anyway. Know what I mean?

5 years is plenty of time for you two to decide to get married or not. Get married if he's shipping out. It's nobody's business but yours, that INCLUDES an aggressive extended family. Good riddance to them if they disown him.

My only recommendation is to skip the lies. Be grownups about this. If you get married, invite them to the wedding, even if it's at the courthouse. Be mature in the face of the immaturity you will receive back from his family.

You don't say WHY they are strongly against it. Can you give any credence at all to their position? Or is it really just them being rude?

Meanwhile, when the grandbabies start being born, I'm sure his parents will soften their position somewhat. When that happens, take the high road, forgive their past stupidity TO THEIR FACE and let them know it can never recur. You will protect your kids from all unnecessary rudeness, even from their own grandparents. Keep them in line after that.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

That does make the situation clearer. Calling any church & talking to a priest will give you a better idea of their general policies but if you have a specific church you want to be married at, that would be the best idea, to talk to the priest there you want to marry you.

Getting married before he ships out will give you advantages / benefits from a legal standpoint. Having the wedding when he has been home for a few months may not help with his family if they are trying to forbid him from doing that for another couple of years. It really isn't that hard to find out if someone is married, that info is a public record in a lot of places. You may want to discuss the situation with his family with a priest as well, they may have some helpful advice on how to deal with that. If you wanted to be more specific about what their objections are to the marriage, you may also get better help here.

Now, if you happen to live in Calif, I believe they have a confidential marriage license that stays private & is not part of the public records but you have to be living together to qualify for that one.

It's too bad his family has that attitude, especially after you guys have been together for so long. Hopefully their attitude will change. In the case I spoke of before, both the families were supportive when things settled down but it did cause problems at the start. I still believe it will be better if you are honest from the start but you have to make the best choice for you guys & you know all the facts.

Best wishes to you both!

[misti13]

His parents are just stubborn. They feel we should be together for the better half of a decade before we make it official since that is what they did. We are starting to consider telling my parents (they are in complete support of the marriage), but telling his family is a little more difficult. Since I will only be coming home for major holidays, it is possible to keep it from at least his family (especially since I do not see them except when he is home). I really do appreciate all the feedback from everyone. This has been very difficult and we are trying to take the high road, but his family is making it very hard.

[JBeaucaire]

Do NOT get married and keep it from his parents. Let them get mad, but DO NOT start your marriage with a lie that big. Don't do it. It's not necessary.

They have to live in their own heads. Let them get mad now and get over it. If they find out you've been married for years, they will stay angry YEARS longer. This is on you if that happens.

Don't lie just to protect yourself from someone else's anger. That's teenager thinking. If you get married, it's for life, right? Be honest, be mature, let them be immature. That's on them. A lie would be on you. Don't give them ANY excuse to be righteous in their anger. A lie would give them that.

[donf]

MPO:

Don't do it. My wife and I eloped when I turned 18. The secret lasted less than three months.

The family upheaval was incredible. Both my brothers thought I was loony, my younger sister thought it was sweet. My mother wanted an annulment. Her mom and dad wanted a divorce since their daughter was now tainted fruit, so to speak. Her Aunts and Uncles knew she was pregnant, why else the rush!

We married again when we were both 21. In fact, we asked to Priest to perform the service on the same day as our original marriage date so that we would not have multiple anniversary dates. We had a very small Catholic Wedding Ceremony.

1 year later, our son was born.

[Fr_Chuck]

Starting a relationship on a lie will only help end and destroy that relationship, if you are old enough to be grown up and on your own, and to get married it means acting that way, even if it means telling parents things they don't want to hear,

[ashe_315]

OMG I'm ding the same thing for the same reason. Go girl!! We arnt telling anyone either. My boyfriend is in the army and he is moving away and we both know it the right thing, so we are getting a marrige celebrant to marry us them in 2 years when we have money and are organised we will have the wedding. I think its all fine.