[sunnysoul28]

What do you think? I have been married for 10 years and always worked hard in the marriage to get us out of the hole. I found out my husbands credit cards were maxed to 39K after 3 years of marriage and eventually help him to pay it off. I was able to save enough money for a gov't subsidized condo, earned 5 Microsoft office certificates, studied for the LSAT--did not take the test, accepted by columbia university. Yet my husband has no desire to grow or change. He faithfully comes home on Fridays and gets drunk and high, literally wasted to the point of oblivion yet manages to get up the next day and go to work. I am tired and unhappy with that behavior. There is so much more to life to enjoy and as parents we need to be examples. I tried separation in the past for a short period but I allowed my emotions to lead me to take him back, I was overwhelmed with raising two kids, working full time, etc... and also my daughters were depressed. Yet here I am in the same boat looking to climb out because the more I try to achieve, grow, deal the more he goes in the other direction and continues with his drinking... 10 beers in one night, 6 to 8 glasses of wine. Enough is enough but how do I move on when he doesn't make it any easier and my daughters start to get depressed over talks of separation. I am also in therapy and have OCD and suffer with depression, but despite these flaws I rise up and become the person I need to be for myself and family, yet I feel my husband won't due the same. He is not all the bad... he does cook everyday when he comes home from work (gets off at 2:00 p.m.) and picks up the girls after school and does laundry but a marriage is more than that and I feel I am more committed to bettering our lives and he is just coasting and enjoying the ride. We have tried counseling individually which I have suggested and as a couple--he did not continue with the therapy or school once I took him back. I feel dissatisfied in the relationship and even started to contemplate an affair because I am sexually frustrated. My husband has been showing signs of ED for years and has not taken the responsibility to address it. I am tired of being a mommy to him and that's what I feel like. What do you think. Thanks.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

Well, you certainly deserve a lot of credit for all you are handling, that's more than enough without the complications you are dealing with.

You have to realize that your H is content with things the way they are because they work for him. Until you make it obvious that you have boundaries & issues that have to be respected & worked on together or you are willing to live without him under the same roof, nothing will change. And having someone that is wasted that much is not only expensive (as you have already learned the hard way) but not exactly what kids should have to see their dad doing. He will need specialized help to deal with those addictions, but luckily that is easily available & inexpensive if he does the 12 step program or something similar like there is online.

Does he even admit he has a drinking / drug problem or is he in denial about that too? Has he ever made a real effort to address that or did it get swept under the rug when you guys had counseling before?

Was the counselor(s) that you guys used before effective at all? If so, schedule some appts, go in alone to explain what is currently going on & then let him know he needs to go with you to get help so some much needed changes get put in place. If you need to find someone new to help, then do that. Once you do that, if he refuses, then decide what you need to do in order to separate & make it clear that is the option he's choosing if working on making the marriage good for both of you isn't a priority to him.

Let him know you do love him, but what's been going on isn't good for either of you or the kids. You can let him know you are supportive of him but you need him to be the same for you too.

Have you tried going to any alanon mtgs? There are some online as well, & those can offer great support for you too as well as being free & convenient.

The main thing is to take steps to improve your situation, even if it's just baby steps for now & start figuring out what you will & will not allow in your life & that of your kids. Then talk to him to see what you two can do together to make things better on a consistent basis. Change is challenging because old habits die hard. Be patient with yourself & him, if you see him making a sincere daily effort to make things better. Be loving but firm in sticking to the "enough is enough" position. Put together a support system for yourself to help you stay on course & to encourage you along the way.

You can do this, it just won't be easy or automatic, much less as fast as you would like. Deciding what you want to do & how you will do it is the first step. You may want to write him a letter so you can list out all you want to say. The more specific you can be about the changes you want the better. Instead of just saying for example, "I need more help around the house", say "I need you to handle the kid's bath time or clean up after dinner so I don't have to do both every day.

I wish you & your kids the best!