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Mistral121 · Aug 11, 2008, 06:16 PM

Thank you for your time.

I don't know. I am confused myself. I am not in the country right now which is complicating things further. I can't get any more details from her because we are not talking right now.

I don't know if she is not reporting this because the circumstances are such that it is hard to believe, or because it didn't happen as I am lead to believe it. I am told she had told this to a friend of hers, who also knew the person involved and the friend told my Gf that she did not believe her. During the last conversation I had with her she said that if I reported it, I would have to cut her from my life completely and get out.

Regarding the staying over part; I know, this is the bit I am having the hardest time to comprehend. She said that she thought I would come and kill her after he left (bearing in mind I wasn't even in the states at the time). She also told the person that I was would kill him if I found out, and the person said that if I turned up in the car park when he was going, he would push her into my car so he wouldn't get run over (or something like that, plus I also don't understand why you would “accompany” your rapist to the car park.

I don't believe that my Gf had the intention of cheating; I have known her for many years. I do know that this person was hitting on her for a while. She also told me she enjoyed the attention, but later denied it and said she said it to make me angry. I have assured my Gf that even if she was naked in front of him and even if she was flirting, a rape was still a rape and that we should deal with the “crime” of the rape first, then deal with our relationship. But she says I must either get over it or we are not related anymore?! She says the medical profession is a close circle of professionals and she does not want her reputation to be damaged.

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2008, 06:22 PM

I would have to cut her from my life completely and get out.
Let her cut you from her life without reporting it in fact cut HER from your life before she gets a chance.
You can not report it any way.

She is lying because as you said how can she use asking him to spend the night as an excuse for she was afraid of you going after him when A. you would not have even known he was even there and B. you are out of the country.

She may have not been intentionally cheating and just got caught in a weak moment but she is covering it up with a rape lie. That is not good at all.

jessebearz · Aug 11, 2008, 06:36 PM

I agree with nohelp4u 150per cent!! Sorry man but I really do think she was "cought up in the moment" then felt bad about it then was worryed you would find out so made up that story! Too much of it don't add up at all! Like I said before, been there and it dos not happin like that!!

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2008, 06:38 PM

Originally Posted by jessebearz

i agree with nohelp4u 150per cent!!!! sorry man but i really do think she was "cought up in the moment" then felt bad about it then was worryed you would find out so made up that story! to much of it dont add up at all! like i said before, been there and it dos not happin like that!!!

When I said caught up in the moment I was trying to give her SOME benefit of the doubt but I too agree NONE of the story adds up at all!

Mistral121 · Aug 11, 2008, 06:42 PM

Originally Posted by jessebearz

i agree with nohelp4u 150per cent!!!! sorry man but i really do think she was "cought up in the moment" then felt bad about it then was worryed you would find out so made up that story! to much of it dont add up at all! like i said before, been there and it dos not happin like that!!!

After she told me the story, she said if I could fly over to the states to "hold her", and tell her "everything will be ok" and to have sex. Is it normal to want to have sex a week after you are raped?

She has taken me for a ride before, but this is too serious.

Part of me wants to report this to "force" the truth out. But I am wondering if I report it and she denies it, I am going to be left looking an idiot and no where closer to finding out exactly what happened

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2008, 06:50 PM

Reporting it would not force the truth out of her because
A. If you report it it will go NO where because you were not 'the victim'
B. If you tell her that you ARE going to report it just to call her bluff to get the truth out of her then she will do as she said and cut you out of her life any way.

You seem to be caught up in so much you need to step back and look at each piece of this objectively.

Mistral121 · Aug 11, 2008, 06:53 PM

I know the writing is on the wall but please undrestand my situation. I cannot move on or leave her until I am satisfied that she is lying for sure. She is one for those gilrs who is just about stupid enough to not see when a situation could get out of hand and so I can well see how she could end up letting this person take advantage of her.

At the same time she is not telling me anything more, in fact we are not taking right now, I would like to land this person's back side in jail, but obviously if I was confident about the story I would have reported it my now. At the same time, I can, but am afraid to fly back now because I don't trust myself not to do anything stupid which would end up landing my own backside in jail.

Mistral121 · Aug 11, 2008, 06:58 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You seem to be caught up in so much you need to step back and look at each piece of this objectively.

Have you heard the saying caught between a rock and a hard place?. it doesn't even being to describe the state I am in right now... utterly hopeless..

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2008, 07:01 PM

Yes that is why you have to weigh
Do you want to just buy her lie and drop it
Do you want to push the issue and have her dump you
Do you want to drop it and just leave it in the past
Do you want to take the lie as a red flag that you really need to dump her

Mistral121 · Aug 11, 2008, 07:42 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Yes that is why you have to weigh
do you want to just buy her lie and drop it
do you want to push the issue and have her dump you
do you want to drop it and just leave it in the past
do you want to take the lie as a red flag that you really need to dump her

I wish it was as straightforward. Let me throw in another twist. I was fairly violently raped at knife point some 20 years ago when I was a child. She knew about this. As it turned out I made good with my life and I am now very successful, but this is bringing up the past for me and all the unresolved feelings and anger I have built up growing up.
There are only two alternatives:

1) She is raped: The animals who did that to me were never caught by the police, so if this person did really rape her, he is either going to jail or be subject to vigilante justice by myself. I cannot allow history to repeat itself, period.

2) She is not raped: If my other half would so casually lie about being raped – which is a thought I still want to avoid entertaining- just to cover her back side, knowing the trauma and torture it would cause me, then she has to suffer to the fullest extent possible for making this monumental error of judgement of not only chosing to lie, but in this way.

This is why I said “I don’t trust myself not to do anything stupid” because despite having an otherwise rational and peaceful mind, the remaining 198 pounds of me is loaded with 2 decades of anger that I am ready to take out on someone. So I wish I could “just drop and go” but I can’t.

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2008, 07:56 PM

2.) She is not raped: If my other half would so casually lie about being raped...
Not only that but she should have realized that claiming rape would be a really sore, painful issue for you and therefore should never lie to you about something like that BUT that does not mean she would not.

There really isn't anything you can do as far as reporting it because you were not the victim and the police would have their hands tied since she did not do anything about it originally.

I really don't know what you can do about it because since she evidently would rather you just act like nothing happened it could be hard for you to even feel comfortable around her whether her story was true or not.

jessebearz · Aug 12, 2008, 05:46 AM

Look, like I said before-been there! I have been through group therpy and spoken to countless victims of rape. I'm telling you now that WAY Too much OF HER STORY DO NOT ADD UP!! When you are raped you feel soooo dirty and disgusting, all you want to do is stay in the shower/bath forever! The very thought of seeing/hearing the pig that did that to you is so wrong that you want to throw up just from thinking about them, you DO NOT want them to stay the night!! You Don't walk them to there car!! And a med student KNOWS to go to the police, and KNOWS that something like that WILL NOT affect your carer!! I am sorry but in my opinion she "had a flig" or "got cought up in the moment" and feels bad about it so to clear her own mind she has come up with this story! I don't really know what else to say, I think its clear what is going on. Best of luck with it all though!!

ScottGem · Aug 12, 2008, 06:14 AM

I've moved part of the thread to the Relationships forum since it has become more about your relationship with your girlfriend then a legal issue. Your legal questions were answered in the original thread.

liz28 · Aug 12, 2008, 08:59 AM

Even if you report a rape the cops will still need a statement from her. To me her story mades no sense and your trying to make sense about it but you can't. I understand you was rape and that's might be why your out for justice but in the ends she will have to be the one that press charges. In a way, it's best that your out of the country, otherwise you could be in jail for something base of lies. Don't let your common sense get tangle in this or your emotions. You need to open your eyes and face the facts. If you stay or go, it's a choice only you can decide but I hope you make a wise one because it sems that your girlfriend is making her decision.

talaniman · Aug 12, 2008, 11:32 AM

Nothing about this sound healthy, nor rational. Whether this is real, or not, remove yourself from it, as your doubts, and confusion, make you a lousy shoulder of support any way.

Mistral121 · Aug 17, 2008, 05:34 PM

Hi, its me again

If you have been following this thread in the criminal law section

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/crimin...pe-247931.html

You will know that I just decided to give up on this. Well anyway after not hearing from her for three weeks, I get an email from her. Here is a section of the email.

"….. I really loved you but you never wanted to believe me. You never gave me a chance cause deep inside your always thought I would mess up so you treated me like that. I think that was your problem. You never felt secure enough in my love for you. You were my number 1. You were my man and you never wanted to see it. ….. I REALLY LOVED YOU. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HURT ME LIKE THIS? You always thought I had some hidden agenda. So now you be ready to ….. cause you really lost the person who really loved you through your accusations and nasty words. Do you think I made that up cause I always do? You think I said I want to die cause I want to pull one of my “sick” tricks on you? … Now, Lets see how you dealt with it. Umm, let’s see…let’s …. To get the out of her and then abandon her like I always do. And then disconnect my VM so she can’t leave me any messages. Why didn’t you give me the benefit of the doubt this time? Why didn’t you stick with me through this? Why did you leave me? Why was I so scared to tell you what had happened to me? You think I wanted this. I really thought this time we were going to get married and I wasn’t going to risk it. WHY DIDN”T YOU BELIEVE ME? You know why I was mad at you when you kept pushing? B/c not even for once you asked me how I felt about it and how I wanted to deal with it? It was all about how you felt and how YOU thought I should deal with it. Why didn’t you just listen and tell me that it will all be OK instead of putting restrictions, breaking up and …. "

I have edited it just to take out names etc...

I dont know what to do. It seems she isn't sure herself either over whats happened. Why would she say "why didn't you give me the benefit of the doubt this time?". I also fail to see why isn't she as worked up about being raped as she is over losing me.

I am confused, should I get back to her or leave it be? Part of me really feels bad, the other parts wants to stick to my guns to see if she will eventually come back with a different story. Any thought appreciated.

PS. Here is more history from another thread

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/relationship-meltdown-after-rape-244664.html

talaniman · Aug 17, 2008, 09:21 PM

wants to stick to my guns to see if she will eventually come back with a different story.

Stick to your guns, and where has she been for 3 weeks??

hiyaparis · Aug 17, 2008, 11:09 PM

It sounds like she is A lot of drama.

Cut her out of your life before you get in too deep.

This whole synereo that she has is perfectly crazy.

If she doesn't want you to report it and wants to live with the fact that this supposed rapist is still out there and could do it to her again or to other people let her.

Just make sure she knows why you're cutting it off.

Mistral121 · Aug 18, 2008, 03:55 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Stick to your guns, and where has she been for 3 weeks???

Well she did try to contact me a week and half ago, in the form of a few missed calls (hence why she is angry I truned off my voice mail). But I had told her I could not talk with her until she goes to the police or at least gives me a better reason why she can't than her reputation, given that she would have also had my full support. I might have undrestood if the person had threteaned her, but that isn't the case.

To give you an idea of what she means by "I did get mad ..." when I was trying to push her to report it, this is the kind of messages I was getting from her at the time " I am in contacts with a counsoler and I will make my decisions accordingly. we r no longer related and I respectfully ask you to stop shoving ur nose into other peoples business. I have been on call since 4 in the morning and will be here till tomorrow 4 in the afternoon. I will then sleep ....
thanks for caring. now leave me alone forever".

Remember this is three weeks before her email above saying why I have abandoned her. I think she is scared to tell me the whole story because she thinks if she does I am going to leave her anyway, so why bother? From her perspective, at least this way I will have the niggling doubts of guilt over my neck for a long time.

talaniman · Aug 18, 2008, 06:11 AM

Hate to say it, but the way she copes with her own business is up to her and you do need to back all the way off that, as this happened to her and not you, and you may not undersatand it, but respect it.

Since this is a crucial issue, then leave her alone, and save the ultimatums. You can't help, or are unwilling, so leave her, and her business alone forever.

This is over, and will never work, as your doubts will never be healed. She has a right to be mad, and you have a right to leave.