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Rank34 · Aug 11, 2008, 07:11 AM

I am in real trouble with my relationship right now and need help! I have been dating my girlfriend now for over 6 years. We get along great and really do love each other, BUT, there is no romance at all! To be honest there hasn't been that much sex. She has not came onto me since Jan. of 2004. We actually went an entire year of no sex at all and just recently 5 months. I have tried to talk to her about it before and she just cries and gets angry. I have offered to go to a relationship counselling and to talk this out, and yet she refuses to. Recently I forced her to talk it out and we agreed that we would set a time once a week to have sex, and that it wasn't just about me having a orgasm, but I need her to be into it as well. The appointments are going, but it is the same everytime; I make her have an orgasm and then it is my turn. She lays there with her eyes closed not making a sound and if I try to kiss her a get a little peck on the cheek or lips. I know a lot of people might just say at least you are getting sex, yet I do not look at this way. I need to feel wanted and not just her letting me so that I don't get upset. That isn't at all what I am after. I want to feel a connection with her and not feel as though I have a roommate. I am 31 and she is 32, with no kids. I have told her that I won't get married with our love life the way it is because the stress of kids and everything else will really slow our love life down, which by the way I understand, but at this point in our lives there is no real reason for things to be this way. Any help or advice would be wonderful. Thanks.

excon · Aug 11, 2008, 07:18 AM

Hello R:

Some people like sex - others don't. If you can live your life like this, marry her. If not, then leave.

But, you ain't going to make her start enjoying sex by going to a therapist. Nope - not happening.

excon

smoothy · Aug 11, 2008, 07:22 AM

I've dated a woman like that before... my advice is what I finally relised I had to do myself. And that was cut my losses and move on. Yeah that's a big time investment but lifes too short to be stuck in a rut with someone who couldn't care less about your needs. Six years is lost but you have a lifetime ahead of you yet. Would you like to spend them like the last 6 years? I think not.

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2008, 07:26 AM

Yeah a therapist would only MAYBE get to the root of the problem of WHY she doesn't want it.
Have you ever gotten any answers why she doesn't like it?
You could try doing some romantic things like make her a candle lite dinner to get her more in the mood but it doesn't even sound like that would solve anything in her case.

So I agree with Ex can you see yourself going like this the entire rest of your life? If not why prolong it? You are sexually incompatible and that can be a rough place to be especially when you are not the one holding back.

Choux · Aug 11, 2008, 12:02 PM

What were you doing for sex the year she wouldn't have sex with you?? :)

I think your ladyfriend has a deep problem regarding sexual relations with you (and possibly sexual relations with any man).

It could be hidden resentments. It could be that she faked her original enjoyment and now is too depressed to fake. It could be a deep depression. It could be any number of other things related to you like are you a substance abuser?

This is one case where she needs immediate counselling... she has to be willing to get to the bottom of her unhappiness.

Good Luck to you; I hope your ladyfriend can get over her misery. :)

Rank34 · Aug 11, 2008, 10:14 PM

I really didn't cheat on her during that time. I thought that it would show weakness if I did. I am not into drugs in any shape or form and only drink beer in a social environment. Not at all saying that is isn't something to do with me, but I have tried to fix or find out with no luck. We really just might not be right for each other.

N0help4u · Aug 12, 2008, 03:02 AM

Nobody is implying that the problem is with you. You are doing more than enough in the relationship and the problem is not you. We just want you to wake up to the fact that maybe you need to move on. Some people can get so caught up in a rut that is not the right place for them to be but they never see it until they actually get out of it and move on. Like exiting a dark tunnel into the bright warm day.

Choux · Aug 12, 2008, 10:09 AM

Perhaps, you are a guy who likes to save a damsel in distress... If that is the case, in this case there is a huge downside because she is very damaged and requires lots of help, and even that may not work.

Best wishes to you in the future,

kp2171 · Aug 12, 2008, 11:15 AM

You might not be compatible.

For perspective, my drive and overall desire for physical touch is stronger than my wife's. Ill chase her down for that first kiss after work, for the kiss at bedtime. My hands are on her skin much more than hers on mine. We are just wired differently. But we're able to find some middle ground. There's enough overlap that I don't feel like I'm constantly imposing, and she doesn't feel like she's constantly denying me. Id like her to kiss me much more, but instead I wait for those times when I know she's more receptive, more rested, more mentally present for me.

Counseling or self help books can't make the other person desire you, but it can help people see different perspectives. And really... you haven't said much about her past, but it sure sounds like there is something she hasn't dealt with in her past.

Also, her hormone levels can be off... it wouldn't be at all unreasonable for her to ask her provider to check her hormone levels. If all of the other factors that play into libido aren't problems, the issue could easily be hormone levels are off.

If talking about intimacy (and you aren't just talking about sex here... you want sensual touch, a connection, not just an orgasm) results in her angry and crying... and she's unwilling to have her health checked or take positive steps to work to some middle ground, then I think you need to accept this as it is, as how it will be, or step back.

N0help4u · Aug 12, 2008, 11:19 AM

Yeah that are definitely sexually incompatible

chrissymarie · Aug 12, 2008, 02:10 PM

Please please please... go to relationship counseling. It will help you. You must talk her into this. Tell her how much you desperately love her and care about her but you need this counseling to happen or you don't see this relationship lasting because you are NOT HAPPY.

You only get ine life to live please do not take it for granted, it's not good you have been living like this since jan. 2004.

talaniman · Oct 1, 2008, 09:47 PM

Leave before you cheat.

kochi · Oct 2, 2008, 12:14 PM

I know exactly what you are going through cause I am in the same boat, if not a little worse. I understand how you want it to be more than just sex and not you doing your thing and so on.

For me it was even getting sex was always a fight, and then just laying there and the most reaction I would get is maybe a caress for like 2secs. I would try to kiss and all and nothing. Its frustrating. You start to think maybe she's not into you as much, or maybe you are good enough for now... Just makes me feel like I am not good enough, that there is somoene better on her mind...

Its frustrating because I have tried everything, Like you cooking dinners, trying romantic things so on and so forth.

Most people would say k you need to leave because that's the logical thing. It makes no sense. But its hard, when you love some one and are trying to work through it, trying to find a solution. Try to figure out that it does not makes sense in the first place.

And I look at the situation and think to myself, why am I taking the responsibility. Why am I worried about it, why am I the one feeling bad, why am I the one feeling like its destroying us.

What I am try to say is perhaps do not try so hard, let her worry about it you know. At least that's my next step.