[flowM]

Hello everyone,
I have a difficult situation...

I'm married since last year, but we were together for about 3 years with my husband.
I love him and don't want to lose him, but I think we have such a strange life..

He loves me too and he says there's nothing more important than me. But since the very beginning of our relationships we didn't have a normal sex.
Actually we do it very rare.
I'm a young woman, just 24 y.o. and I adore making love. But my husband is really strange because we have sex maximum once a week.. Sometimes it can last for 2 weeks.. We've tried to discuss it so many times, he says he doesn't want it to become like a habit and he prefers less quantity but more quality... Well.. for me it doesn't change anything.. So I asked him if we could make love more often, like twice a week maybe?
But it didn't help... he says he's always tired... But I could understand that if I wasn't sexy or else.. But I'm a pretty woman and I have lots of men who'd like to be with me.. Even the friends of my husband can't understand him..

I even asked him how he'd react if I found a lover, well, of course it was in a joking way, and he said it's unacceptable.. because for him it's the most important to be faithful to each other..

Couple of weeks ago I met one of my old friends who's always been in love with me and he's always said if I have any problems he'll be there for me..
He didn't see me for 2 years and he said how I changed a lot.. He said I don't look happy, though I think I'm lucky with my husband... But there are so many problems in our relationships that we can't solve together.. Even the psychologist can't do anything if we're both not involed...

So my friend, who's still in love, asks me to come to his place for some times just to refresh my mind... Of course I'm happy to know that he tries to help me... But I know that it can have some bad end after...

So after I had some arguments with my husband, after he refused me in making love again few times... I'm really desperate... I don't know what to do.. I started to think about my friend who's waiting for me and who doesn't stop messaging me asking if I'm doing well..

And I'm tired of lying to everybody that I'm happy.. even to my mum.. But she feels ther's something wrong..
I know it sounds crazy, that I make a problem because we don't have enough sex, but it hurts me... because I love my husband and it seems like he doesn't desire me..

What should I do??

[Thinker2255]

It doesn't sound crazy. Whether we want to admit it or not sex is a huge part of a normal relationship. Some people may not like that view and that's fine, but it's the truth. Obviously no relationship should revolve entirely around lust but a relationship without sex is like a wedding without a kiss between the groom and bride.
Have you ever considered that perhaps your partner might be gay? I know that may sound far fetched but you'd be surprised how many people marry that are actually gay and haven't come to terms with it.
Two people are in love, the one that wants the sex is attractive and desirable, the one that doesn't want the sex has no excuse other then being tired and some ridiculous rhetoric about quality over quantity.
If he's not a homosexual then perhaps he has insecurities he has never been comfortable expressing.
Your friend makes me sick. He's like a shark prowling around waiting for you to be alone so that he can have his chance that he's waited for for so long. He might be the right one for you but that could also be a horrible move.
I just hate how he is just waiting, teeth barred. That's what they do, people that are in love with someone who is taken. They wait and wait, no matter how long and takes, and snatch their prey without any feelings of empathy twoards their victim.
Just be careful of that. He seems nice and loving, but if he gets what he wants you could see a complete change in him. A let down of his guard that he had up, his traps set for you for so long.

[Wilson Help]

Its not about about you, there is something within him that makes it difficult to open in a sexual manner. Is he loving to you in other ways, or do you have a relationship that is based on the love of really good friends. Explore his self image, how does he feel about his body, how does he feel about just being touched. He's not rejecting you directly, he's rejecting himself through you. Find out what he is rejecting in himself which can range from poor self image to poor self love which could stem from a catostrophic incident in his past. Or he could just be gay and doesn't want to admit it. There's a few explanations, get outside of yourself and you will find them. Oh and you will not find answers in the arms of others you will only create more problems.

[liz28]

Was your having sex before marriage? If so, was it limited to once a week?

[talaniman]

So what has changed in your marriage other than the sex life, which may only be a symptom of a greater problem.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

He should go see a dr to make sure there is no physical cause.

You are extremely vulnerable to an affair right now which is obviously what your "friend" hopes happens. So you need to let your H know that this issue needs to be addressed with professional help in order for your marriage to have a fighting chance for real intimacy & happiness for both of you. And you should stop all contact immediately with your "friend" so you can focus on what you need to in your marriage without the complications of even an emotional affair, much less a physical one when the damage to you both & the marriage will be even greater & harder to deal with.

Search for a therapist that has specific expertise in dealing with sexual issues, hopefully you can find one in your area. Schedule an appt for him to get a full physical to see if there is something medically that needs to be dealt with.

It could be that sort of thing combined with intimacy / low self esteem issues are suppressing his sex drive.

The possibility also exists that he is just one of those people that simply has a low sex drive. In that case, he may always desire sex less than you do but he needs to step out of his comfort zone at least some so your needs are met better than they are now & you will also have to be more accommodating to his lesser drive to some extent if you stay together.

Good luck!

[flowM]

Thank you guys for the answers.

First of all I can be sure my H is not a gay. He's completely straight and all my attepts to touch his butts make him nervous.. He says he can't even think about it, and of course I asked him so many times if he was bisexual, for me, there's no problem, I like women too..
But he's completely against all these things.

He says he loves only me and I'm the only one preson he wants to make love with...

He doesn't have any physical problems..
He's in a good shape, good health etc..
We have no limits while making love.

He says I'm a perfect sex partner and he's happy with that.

We were having sex before our marriage, but I was just hoping that it'll change after.. I didn't even think that it will be such a problem..

My husband told me he had the same thing with his ex gfs.. It was not often and everybody was happy.

So as understood it will never change between us.

BetrayalBtCamp is right, we just have different sex drive, but I guess it will be hard to find a compromise.

[flowM]

So what has changed in your marriage other than the sex life, which may only be a symptom of a greater problem.

It's long to explain, but I'll try to resume.
I'm a foreigner in my husband's country and of course I have lots of difficulties with finding a job. I' ve always had a job since I was 16, I've never been unemployed. And it's the first time in my life I can't find something for me.

Of course you can say that may be a reason of our problems, but even when I was busy working and I had a very busy life I've always had great sex relationships with my ex bfs.
I've never refused to make love even if I was horribly tired. I just simply love that and it gives me some kind of energy.

So it changes nothing for me. I say if I really love somebody I desire this person. It's not just an animal instinct or physical problem.. It's just the question of feeling this man who I love as close as possible and have the best pleasure with him..

[BetrayalBtCamp]

Flow, he could look & act heatlthy but still have a problem with his hormones that isn't apparent so getting an exam woud make sure everything is OK on that level. It's not that common at his age, but it is possible.

His said he doesn't want it to be a habit, has he said why that is? Making love to your wife is a great habit to have!

He also says he prefers quality over quantity, has he explained what exacty that means to him?

Sex is one of those things that the less you do it the easier it can be to do it less & vice versa. I strongly urge you to push for professional help now. If he persists in his current attitutes & pattern of behavior especially at his age, it is very likely the frequency will become even less than it is now which is going to be even more detrimental to your relationship as time goes by.

You can Google "sex starved marriage" & "men low sex drive" & find that it's not an uncommon problem & suggestions that might help.

You have 2 important separate issues to address. His willingness to be more sexual with you & his desire to. His own desire for sex may be lower than yours, but his willingness to please you physically more often can be reason enough for him to be more physical due to his love for you. Obviously you can't make him make love to you. Or make him want to if he's not willing. But maybe a good start would be for him to become more comfortable being physical more often?

I realize that sex can be a very touchy matter to discuss & putting pressure on him isn't going to improve his performance or desire to. But he needs to realize that you are not getting your needs met & a better solution found to the problem than ignoring it hoping it will fix itself or go away. That's not likely to happen.

Is he affectionate in general or is touching & cuddling also difficult for him to do spontaneously? Would he be willing to set aside time every few days just for you two to connect physically even if full intercourse didn't happen? That might help by having you two set aside the time on a schedule that works better for you so it is more likely to become a habit while getting him more comfortable being physical more often. But this is not an issue that can be resolved overnite.

Or maybe even exploring something like Tantric sex could help you both.

Have you checked these books out? You can read excerpts here:

Amazon.com: The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide: Michele Weiner Davis: Books

Amazon.com: The 10-Second Kiss: How to Turn Your Relationship Into a Lifelong Romance -- in Just 24 Hours! A Magical Formula for Passion, Pleasure, and Playfulness: Ellen Kreidman: Books

[talaniman]

I think you need to express your displeasure, and unhappiness to him, in a non-threatening firm way, and let him know his way isn't working for you at all, and maybe something else should be tried. Acting happy, when your not is the worse way to find a solution, and compromise.

Communication, and working together is a cornerstone of any relationship, and solving your issues, is a team sport. It can't be all one way and expect good healthy relations so find a way to have your inputs, where he has to deal with them.

I think you need to teach him that sex is about many things, not just the humping.

But since the very beginning of our relationships we didn't have a normal sex.
Actually we do it very rare.

That should have given you fair warning!!

He says he doesn't want it to become like a habit and he prefers less quantity but more quality..

You had some red flags all the way, and changing things will be quite a challenge. Did you really expect him to change after marrying him??

My husband told me he had the same thing with his ex gfs.. It was not often and everybody was happy

That's his opinion, and they are exes. I think your running the risk of being like them also.

Communicate, and compromise.

[talaniman]

And it's the first time in my life I can't find something for me.
Of course you can say that may be a reason of our problems, but even when I was busy working and I had a very busy life I've always had great sex relationships with my ex bfs.

This may not be the whole problem, but I think it does add a lot to it, as I know you can't be happy, not working and, not being busy, and have a bad sex life to boot, so if nothing else, I hope you get a job you like, and the busy life, with friends and activities you love.
Good Luck on that!

Obviously comparing your husband to your exes will do you no good.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

T is absolutely right especially about the crucial "Communicate, & compromise", nothing will change for the better without that.

[Thinker2255]

Well, since you two clearly love each other very much, maybe the best thing for you to do, if you have a lot more sexual desire then you partner, would be to buy a sex toy. That might keep you somewhat satisfied during the days leading up to that coveted once a week sex.

[flowM]

Thanks again to all of you guys.
Your advices make me feel more positive about my situation. I'll try to do my best.

talaniman, as you said, we better talk and find compromise.
Well, that's what we've tried to do so many times that even after all this time we didn't find one. And actually it's my husband's words "It's the best way to build the good relationships in a couple - to find compromises"..
I totally agree with that!
But as you see, even if he tells me he'll try to do his best and that we'll make love more often, it doesn't help.

Maybe, as BetrayalBtCamp said we better ask a specialist about his problem.


About sex toys... You'll laugh, but I've already bought one, and my husband wasn't glad. So, again, forget about it. :-S

[BetrayalBtCamp]

Flow, obviously the physical release of sex is important & you would like more of that but could there be other aspects that are also bothering you that could be important to address as well? For instance, no one likes to be continually rejected it does ding out ego's. If you feel you are constantly making overtures that are turned down, that's can't feel good. Is it making you feel as if you are not physically / sexually attractive to him even though he says this has been a long term pattern with him? Did you think that you would be different because your relationship with him was that special & your feelings are very hurt because he hasn't changed automatically with you? Your mind may be understanding this is a problem he's had all along but your heart may be telling you that if he loved you enough it wouldn't be an issue?

For that matter, are you getting enough touching affection from him or is it the combination of the lack of both that's making it more unbearable to you? Is it that the sex frequency itself might not be so much of an issue if you felt that he was making love with you instead of just giving in to your sexual "demands"? Are you feeling that he doesn't understand how important this issue is to you & is trying to get you to go along with his preferred schedule without understanding your need to be physically close to him more often so you're really getting shortchanged?

Twice a week is not an unreasonable request at all. You said he's agreed but that hasn't helped. Have you approached him about picking 2 days of the week that works best for you both to be able to have a good time set aside for lovemaking? I know it sounds sort of forced to do it that way but it is a way to make it a priority.

And again, talking to him about why it's such an issue with him is going to be much more difficult to be productive without some professional help which I strongly urge you to get now before the problem gets even worse. If there is some underlying issue that is causing this, it is unlikely you will be able to get that out in the open on your own, he may not even be consiously aware of what it is himself. Many people especially with strict upbringings are not comfortable with sex or their sexuality even after being married, too many years of the "sex is bad" message has been ingrained so it takes concerted effort to make the shift to a healthy sex life.

[talaniman]

About sex toys... You'll laugh, but I've already bought one, and my husband wasn't glad. So, again, forget about it.

Its not him your trying to please, but yourself, doesn't matter if he is glad or sad about it, does it?

Sometimes we think that our issues can be solved with just communications, and things change after a talk, but sometimes we must be willing to keep working at understanding our partner, and make sure they understand us. That may take a while, as there as to be room to let the knowledge sink in and, then be thought about.

In the meantime, its important for you to do the things that make you happy and be willing to share that happiness, as people are more receptive to patient, and positive actions, rather than being beat over the head.

Actions speak louder than words, and positive reinforcement of even the smallest gestures can grow, if given time, and attention. Does showing him affection bring out a better man in him? Acknowledging the small things he does may lead to a deeper appreciation, especially if he sees how happy you are over his gestures. The point, lead by example, and show him how to be affectionate in easy ways. Partners have to learn from each other, and pay attention to be able to be on the same page.

You must always be willing to express yourself, and question what you don't understand, and stand up for yourself.

The main thing is to make sure you are happy with the other aspects of your life, and with yourself, just to keep a perspective of seeing him for what he is, and be a help, not an opponent, as he has some deep rooted issues that affects his perspective, and that may require some long term digging, and knowing when not to dig.

This is not a problem to be solved by short term thinking. The door was opened by him not being glad about your toy, and that was an opportunity to learn, express, and compromise. That's why its important to be to always ready to communicate. "Why are you not happy about my toy" to open the door wider, and let understanding, and knowledge in.