[NorthernGirl]

I am 44 and my partner is 48. I just went through an abortion 16 weeks ago and while I am on the road to healing, I still have periods of feeling very depressed and very angry. I wanted to have this baby, but my partner felt that we were both to old.
We have been to counseling and it seems to work at times, but other times I feel so angry with my partner.
I don't know if I should stay or leave. On one hand, I love the way he is with my young daughter (not his). He helps me out a great deal and he's very loving and nurturing with my little one.
I don't feel like myself since giving into the pressure to abort and wonder if the "old" me will ever come back. I feel insecure and pretty rotten about myself for not fighting for my unborn baby.
If I'm going to be honest here, I should mention that I have left him at least 15 times since I had the abortion. He doesn't give up on me and I know that the process has been hard on him, even though we experienced the abortion very differently.
I want our relationship to go back to the way it was before the abortion. The laughter, the flirting, the playfulness. I miss it all. I believe the one that has chanced that has been me, but I can't let my guard down around him. It feels like my "trust" equipment is broken right now.
Part of me wants to stay because my little one has bonded so much with my partner. The emotions feel like a roller coaster that I can't get off.
If anyone responds, please don't tell me I kill babies, or I'm a horrible human being. I already feel bad enough.
Thanks

[liz28]

Have you gone through counselling yourself? Having an abortion can kill your emotions and cause depression. There this group called something vineyard, I forgot the first name but will ask my friend, that offer women that went through this a weekend healing process. They offer a support group and let you have something similar to a funeral for your aborted child. My friend went through this and she felt a lot better. I will give you the website name if interested after speaking with her to get the information.

[Thinker2255]

As hard as it may be to admit, and please don't feel insulted by this, I believe a lot of your anger twoards your partner is out of self guilt. You are the one that got the abortion in the end, he didn't force you to. You said that you feel guilty about not fighting for your baby and I am not trying to make you feel guiltier, I'm simply saying that a lot of your anger may be misplaced.
I understand he probably forced you in the sense of if you had the baby, he would not have been there as a father because it would have been against his wishes. In the end, the abortion was both of your faults. The blame should be shared, throw away all the trivial details and stop blamming him. It's both of you and you both need to come to terms with that together.
Imagine if, because of your age, there was a medical complication and the baby came out unhealthy or you were seriously injured in the process of giving birth. Wouldn't that have meant far more sorrow and pain then an abortion?
I know it's sad that a life was taken before it was given a chance. But clearly, that's how things were meant to be. I believe this man has been more of a blessing to you then anything else, and his bond with your daughter is more proof of that.
You need to start seeking forgiveness for yourself before you can ever forgive him. Share your pain with him, but in a civilized way and without any words hitting accusation and aggressive pent up anger. Obviously these things can't happen over night, but focus on them as one goal at a time.
Goal one should be to forgive yourself. Don't sugar coat it, be honest. Focus on the positives like : there could have been complications, your relationship would have suffered greatly, your daughter's happiness could have been taken from her as the bond between her and your spouse could have been effectively shattered, and the list goes on.
Goal two: Understand your spouses reasoning. He was not doing it to be a stubborn man he was doing it because he honestly didn't think you two were of the right age to be fit parents for a child. He loves you and your daughter and didn't want anything to ruin that. And so on.
Goal three: After you accomplish your first two goals, there will be times when the guilt will creep up on you again. This happens with any tramautic event. Just remind yourself of what got you through the first two goals. It's OK to mourn the lose, even healthy to. But don't dwell and don't let it ruin what the event was meant to preserve.

[NorthernGirl]

Thank you both so much for your responses. Liz, I would love an opportunity to mourn, and let go in a healing ceremony like that. I'd appreciate any information that you have.

Thinker2255 - thank you sincerely, for that candid and very honest reply. You know, sometimes it is hard to hear what is really happening because you have to read, take it all in and reflect on it all.
I think that your reply was helpful and I am going to log those steps in order to work on it during counseling. You're right, I never once thought that my anger is self directed and I am lashing out at my partner.
He is a good man. I really do love him.
Take care of yourself. Be well.

[talaniman]

I think giving yourself more time to heal is what you need, and seeing a good doctor, may help.